bluebird

   
usually I would feel relieved      
at getting high successfully for the day    
but there is lead in my stomach    
my heart is heavy and has sunk      
with realizations of the man I'm hurting    
I'm not just letting myself down    
my husband is counting on me to get better    
sitting quietly by pulling for me    
     
I hurt him today    
I was reading your poem Lord Viddax
about you thought you had a hand of hearts    
instead it was just your heart vested
and my heart sank with the thought
that's probably how my husband feels    
like he's playing solitaire in this marriage    
with only his feelings on the line    
I felt your deep pain    
I see my husband's hopeful then sad eyes    
and it hurts with a deep ache    
     
when I relapsed he didn't say a word
but I know he knows    
he deserves better    
a fully functioning wife      
who is one hundred percent present
giving and caring for his needs    
not one always scheming on ways to check out    
I really hope it's not too late    
to repair his faith in me    
my faith in myself    
     
he is my love light    
I would be lost without him    
     
that I could think for even a moment
I would be alright without him    
when I know I wouldn't    
it's killing me this painful truth    
but a friend told me get used to living in the moment    
to feel really allow myself to feel    
any given emotion    
so I let grief wash over me    
and embrace it    
     
it tells me I still have a heart    
and a love worth saving