I Don't Love You Anymore

I don’t love you anymore.
Maybe this came upon you when you decided to be absent in my childhood. I decided you were absent when all I can remember is you being there for my sixth birthday.
That’s it, that’s the only memory I have of you, and even then it’s small.

And maybe, I discovered this when all you would do is call me names, or tease me too often.
Maybe that’s why I’ve built up these walls, these walls that surround my heart that has softened,
But that shouldn’t happen with Father and Daughter, oh no, the father should be the reason these walls fall, not the reason they are built up, stronger, higher than ever before.

And one day, it will be the very reason I’m destroyed,
And with every comment, every word that engulfs me in pain, I weaken.
I weaken and maybe that’s the reason I’m a beacon in your eyes,

I’m a target, a target with no defenses because you are the adult, I have to listen to you.
Maybe that’s why I feel so blue, and maybe that’s why I knew I couldn’t go near you.
So I stayed to myself, and tried to glue my pieces together, the pieces you broke.

But these things, can’t stop you when you’re hungry,
They can’t stop you from hurting me more and more until I can’t breathe,
Until I can’t do anything but fight back, but as I said before, you are the adult.

You are powerful, strong, and bigger.
I can’t defeat that, especially someone who was supposed to help me, love me, support me.
Yet here I am, stuck in this never ending loop of punishment and pain.

You want to know what you’ve done to me? You want to know how you’ve hurt me?
That’s funny, I thought you knew, I thought you knew how every word you’ve said to me hurt in some way.
Maybe you just need a fresh reminder.

Do you remember my first visit to a behavioral hospital? Remember? No?
Well I remember leaving, being so happy to be with my family. We went to the store and you told me to cut off my medical band. I remember wanting to keep it, as a reminder, but you didn’t want that.
Remember how you grabbed my arm, and ripped it off? Remember how embarrassed you were of your daughter having mental health issues?
I do.
You want to know what that did? It made me feel like you don’t care about my mental health, and like I should be ashamed of my depression, my bipolar, my anxiety, I STILL feel that way, because of you.
I don’t love you anymore.

Do you remember that time I was doing my laundry and you wanted the remote? Let me refresh your memory.
I was almost done with folding my clothes, and you wanted the remote. I said give me a moment, I’m folding my laundry. You began to yell, so I yelled back.
Remember how you tried to ground me for three months? As a girl with mental health issues not yet addressed, this pissed me off. Remember how I stormed off to my room? Remember how I began to clean, huffing and puffing, tears falling?
Remember how mama talked to you and you decided to only ground me for three days? When I did nothing but do my laundry and defend myself…
I don’t love you anymore

Do you remember when you commented on my weight?
It wasn’t a “you need to eat healthier so you can stay healthy” oh no, it was worse.
Remember how you said “you’re getting bigger, you need to lose weight? I do.
I don’t love you anymore.

Do you remember when I wanted to kill myself, harm myself? You stood there with my sister and mother and told me how you would take away everything I owned.
You would ground me for months, and take away my cat and dump her in the street, my cat who is my only support at times?
Do you remember when I tried to get you to move, and you tackled me into the bathtub? Remember how I said you were hurting me because you were squishing me...but what did you say? “Oh you’re fine.” We sat like that for a while before you finally let go, then had the audacity to put your hand on my head to smooth my hair. I yelled at you.
I don’t love you anymore.

Do you remember all the times you’ve argued with me, yelled at me, told me how all I do is complain, tell my how lazy I am, and hurt me. You hurt me more than anyone.
You tell me how this is my fault and that is my fault. You spend quality time with all my other siblings, but leave me out.
You’ve threatened to kick my dog, threatened to throw my pets into the street. You use anything possible to try to hurt me, and maybe that’s my fault, I don’t know anymore.
In fact, you make it seem like everything is my fault in some twisted way.
I don’t love you anymore.

I don’t love you anymore…
I don’t love you anymore...
I don’t love you anymore...
I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE….
A father is supposed to love, protect, support his daughter, but you don’t.
A father is supposed to care, to cherish, to have hope… but you don’t
A father is many things, but you’re none of them.
You have done so many things to me, I can’t remember them all, It’s hard to keep track. But don’t worry, there is much more where that came from.

I don’t love you anymore.