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Image for the poem The Apartment

The Apartment

Another disclaimer: This may be hard for some people to read, it deals with sexual abuse.

So, another view into the childhood that made me who I am today.  It is the Apartment, the apartment of the man who sexually abused me.  Who played with the emotions of a child and convinced him he was special, that he was loved.  It was the place that blurred the lines between child and adult.  It made me grow up way too quick, while inside, behind the walls, part of me never grew up at all.  It was a place I was given a key to.  He worked offshore, week on, week off.  That meant that half the time I had access to my own place.  He said it was a place of refuge for me if I needed it, that he knew I was responsible enough not to abuse it.  It was in the 80s and VHS had come into its own, so he had lots of porn tapes.  He had alcohol, made me my first drink in fact, a Grasshopper.  He developed his own black and white film, taught me how.  We took some photos that I loved, some he took shame me to think they still exist....... some I pray never see the light of day again.  It was months after he gave me the key before he left the bedroom unlocked.  I don’t know what he was thinking, maybe it was a test, but I never went in there when he wasn’t home.  It was something that he wanted.  I acted out sexually in many ways, but only once at the apartment without him initiating it.  It turned into the second time that he abused me sexually.  It started with him going to the store and leaving me alone.  I was watching TV and started looking at his VHS tapes.  The titles and the covers made it clear what I had found.  So I had to watch a porno.  My dad had some, it wasn’t my first time, but these were new titles.  I had found one I liked and was watching a scene, rewinding it and watching it again.  I was really into it and had lost track of time.  He came in and caught me.  Told me to keep watching, came over to watch it with me.  He kept asking me questions about it.  Which women I thought were the most attractive?  Did I find any of the men attractive?  Had I ever touched a woman in this way or that? Had I ever touched a man in this way or that? He commented on the fact that he could see that I was hard.  He told me that he was too.  He reached over and rubbed me through my pants.  He unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and took his dick out.  It was so much bigger than mine.  He kneelt down in front of me and undid my pants and pulled them off.  For the second time I was frozen and at his mercy.  He took my dick into his mouth.  He sucked on it, stroked it, licked it, played with my balls.  All I could do was stare at the TV.  This woman with big breasts was being fucked doggy style, her breasts swaying back and forth like crazy.  She was moaning oh yes fuck me over and over, it was on a yacht.  I came in his mouth.  After he finished swallowing my cum he turned around and said that that guy looked like he was having a lot of fun.  He asked me if what he had done had felt good? He asked me if I would be willing to help him feel good?  He took me and led me to the bedroom.  I don’t know why I let him do this, I still blame myself.  He had this wedge shaped pillow and this lotion.  He said he was inspired by the movie.  He said it would probably hurt a little at first, but he would be as careful as he could.  He put a lot of lotion on my ass, he put one finger then two in me and that hurt some.  Then he lotioned up his dick and pushed into me and it hurt like hell, even though he went slow.  I wanted to cry out, but I bit my lip until it bled.  He asked if it was ok and I just mumbled uh huh.  He finally worked it all the way in and he started fucking me.  I don’t know how long it went on before he finally came.  When he finally pulled his dick out and I turned over he asked me if I liked it.  I didn’t say a word, but he took me into his arms and hugged me and thanked me and said he loved me.  Then I understood, it hurt, but he was gentle and now he loved me, it was the first time he had said that.  This is what I needed to do for him.  I bled for a week from my ass.  Why would I ever go into that bedroom when he wasn’t home?  I never watched another VHS without him either.  That was between us.
Written by Sunwolfe1745
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