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james: ur tears still disgust me
i have so few words left for u.
except
to say that when i see u out
& u fill ur eyes up
like u have been kicked but are being
very brave about it
very good boy
it turns my stomach
meet ur gaze no problem
knowing u to be
a shithouse liar
& a cunt
pitched against u
i the better
perhaps
that's what u cannot stand
& why u cry
Published 13th Jul 2018
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likes 5
reading list entries 0
comments 9
reads 628
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
13th Jul 2018 2:05pm
A strong, feisty write. Love it!
Honest Critique. (Fuck me up later)
I get that the "u" / "ure" is your own style. Weather I dig it is not the question. Question is, should one commit? Either commit to "u" or "you" both in a single piece looks wierd.
How do you feel about...
"like u have been kicked but are being
brave about it
very good boy
it turns my stomach"
(I lost "a very" in the first line and dropped "it turns..." to it's own line.)
Solid emotional spat in your normal strong short raw way.
Thanks for the read
Al
Honest Critique. (Fuck me up later)
I get that the "u" / "ure" is your own style. Weather I dig it is not the question. Question is, should one commit? Either commit to "u" or "you" both in a single piece looks wierd.
How do you feel about...
"like u have been kicked but are being
brave about it
very good boy
it turns my stomach"
(I lost "a very" in the first line and dropped "it turns..." to it's own line.)
Solid emotional spat in your normal strong short raw way.
Thanks for the read
Al
thanks al
i get that the u u're you you're thing is annoying. heres my secret. i use it to try and avoid having too many of the pronouns scattered about.
then i get lazy and never change them back. i'll look into it. i dont think its working.
the 'a very' happened by mistake and somehow i decided it was alright. will also regroup.
i changed 'better' to 'winner' so as not to be disingenuous, but it perhaps doesn't even need to be there?
this is the last poem i'll ever write about this fiasco
a 10/10 critique
(changed back to 'better'. its true)
i get that the u u're you you're thing is annoying. heres my secret. i use it to try and avoid having too many of the pronouns scattered about.
then i get lazy and never change them back. i'll look into it. i dont think its working.
the 'a very' happened by mistake and somehow i decided it was alright. will also regroup.
i changed 'better' to 'winner' so as not to be disingenuous, but it perhaps doesn't even need to be there?
this is the last poem i'll ever write about this fiasco
a 10/10 critique
(changed back to 'better'. its true)
13th Jul 2018 2:55pm
Yeah!
See a propper wordsmith.
It's landed much more comfortably on the page now.
Gotta admit I like "better" more than "winner"
The extra line break after L1 makes a huge difference.
I like the layout of the second stanza better too. It smacks the page with a bigger punch.
The thing with pronouns is I find they're quite often unnecessary by using words like...
"filling eyes" etcetera etcetera.
I like it even more now.
Al
See a propper wordsmith.
It's landed much more comfortably on the page now.
Gotta admit I like "better" more than "winner"
The extra line break after L1 makes a huge difference.
I like the layout of the second stanza better too. It smacks the page with a bigger punch.
The thing with pronouns is I find they're quite often unnecessary by using words like...
"filling eyes" etcetera etcetera.
I like it even more now.
Al
13th Jul 2018 2:53pm
dearest Anna this is what i'm talking about
love your style...
when you said critique harsher if I like
the only thing that stuck out to me was the u in place of you
but I figured it adds to your style so I didn't say anything...
It's almost like I can hear u talking through gritted teeth...
so I think you should leave it...
it's already clear your cutthroat smart...
it's like this is me and I don't give a fuck...
bravo on not falling for those tears...
love Brenda
love your style...
when you said critique harsher if I like
the only thing that stuck out to me was the u in place of you
but I figured it adds to your style so I didn't say anything...
It's almost like I can hear u talking through gritted teeth...
so I think you should leave it...
it's already clear your cutthroat smart...
it's like this is me and I don't give a fuck...
bravo on not falling for those tears...
love Brenda
13th Jul 2018 3:01pm
i will see how it looks without u and ur. i think i have too many of them but in a way i don't think that can be helped. i dont want to poetrify it with passive language
seems to be a consensus that the txtspk should go, idk its tough bc i switch between different types of language a lot
much love x
seems to be a consensus that the txtspk should go, idk its tough bc i switch between different types of language a lot
much love x
13th Jul 2018 3:07pm
personally I would slit my throat if you went and poetrify everything lol...
I wrote about breaking these type of rules...
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/313953-rusted-out-thoughts-from-the-edge/
I wrote about breaking these type of rules...
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/313953-rusted-out-thoughts-from-the-edge/
13th Jul 2018 5:55pm
13th Jul 2018 2:53pm
Anonymous
13th Jul 2018 4:38pm
I`d give you a good critique`ing
and toss my 2cents in
but this was too good
to gut; you`re unique
and I refuse to steal
your voice ...
maybe because I read poetry
a lot more differently?
Either that, or I just love you ... Hmm??
~Devlin
