deepundergroundpoetry.com
Rags in the River
Raw across the fields, we ran
from gunfire to birdsong
the still of orchard
greening moss
timing nature's slower breath
by steady march of afternoon
The bloodiest stains
may never come clean
memories that cant be washed
'till death permits us to forget
a bitter mourning wasting lives
however just times seemed
Kids with orders
hugging guns
though when the smoke cleared
none of us were men
and whether ours or theirs
no-one deemed to care
For just a moment then
we were all one army with sole intent
dragging bodies breathless
past so much fallen fruit
from a world struck dumb
for a prayer
Published 22nd Oct 2011
| Edited 2nd Nov 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
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The author encourages honest critique.
22nd Oct 2011 11:16am
The nostalgia and near silent grief conveyed is perfect and I enjoyed that the message is so much bigger than it looks. It provokes higher thought than these moving images.
"timing nature's slower breath" and "when the smoke cleared / none of us were men"
were memorable lines. Beautiful work.
"timing nature's slower breath" and "when the smoke cleared / none of us were men"
were memorable lines. Beautiful work.
22nd Oct 2011 11:27am
Ah, Jolais my friend - you we're too quick for me!
I was still tweaking & have added another line - it seems nothing can be perfect
Your kind attention much appreciated ~ A.
I was still tweaking & have added another line - it seems nothing can be perfect
Your kind attention much appreciated ~ A.
22nd Oct 2011 11:32am
Deep heart stirring poem..
'Just' kids
hugging guns
though when the smoke cleared
none of us were men
and whether ours or theirs
didn't seem to matter
It was all one army
dragging breathless souls
from the world struck dumb
for a prayer
profound..wishing you peace Crim
'Just' kids
hugging guns
though when the smoke cleared
none of us were men
and whether ours or theirs
didn't seem to matter
It was all one army
dragging breathless souls
from the world struck dumb
for a prayer
profound..wishing you peace Crim
22nd Oct 2011 9:51pm
There's no sense in war when peace is always a better option. Thanks for reading.
Best ~ Abra
Best ~ Abra
Anonymous
23rd Oct 2011 7:02am
Subtly and more than ably crafted, the two (strong) rhymes both integrating and punctuating its easy flow.
''Just' kids
hugging guns
though when the smoke cleared
none of us were men '
stands out on a rich tapestry. It kind of nails the (almost greater) unseen tragedy of the aftermath. Great closing also. Fine work. R.
''Just' kids
hugging guns
though when the smoke cleared
none of us were men '
stands out on a rich tapestry. It kind of nails the (almost greater) unseen tragedy of the aftermath. Great closing also. Fine work. R.
23rd Oct 2011 11:13am
Appreciate & value your feedback - thanks for taking the time. Best ~ Abra.
