deepundergroundpoetry.com
Suffering Life
Is it not
when you believe
Society
owes you
do you become
Twisted
in your thinking
Slack Lazy Ignorant
in the suffering of life
in the struggle
to stand your ground
to take one step
at a time
to make
the suffering
of life
a little Easier
inside
and outside
Your Mind
when you believe
Society
owes you
do you become
Twisted
in your thinking
Slack Lazy Ignorant
in the suffering of life
in the struggle
to stand your ground
to take one step
at a time
to make
the suffering
of life
a little Easier
inside
and outside
Your Mind
Published 7th Jul 2018
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The author encourages honest critique.
I think you have found another "Eternal Question" to ponder, Drone... and it's a good one... If I read you correctly.
Certainly a person can be twisted by misfortune and hardship...
but it is by no means a Universal Truth, as many of us
seem able to weather the storm without the same ill effects. It's a subject ripe for discussion. All in all... I think very well done.
I do have one suggestion as to construction... in the beginning you say...
Is it not
when you believe
Society
owes you
(that)do you become
Twisted
in your thinking
In line 5 remove (do) and substitute *that*. I think it would both clarify and be more effective. Perhaps you would try it out? Thanks for listening... Ely
Certainly a person can be twisted by misfortune and hardship...
but it is by no means a Universal Truth, as many of us
seem able to weather the storm without the same ill effects. It's a subject ripe for discussion. All in all... I think very well done.
I do have one suggestion as to construction... in the beginning you say...
Is it not
when you believe
Society
owes you
(that)do you become
Twisted
in your thinking
In line 5 remove (do) and substitute *that*. I think it would both clarify and be more effective. Perhaps you would try it out? Thanks for listening... Ely
24th Jul 2018 9:38am
