glow stick

 
my sadness stems from a truth
it's unlikely I will be able to change
I'm afraid I am sleepwalking
and will awaken a moment too late
 
when you say goodbye for the last time
my world will come crashing in on me
you're sick of my shit you told me so
and still, I can't get it together  
what's wrong with my heart does it long to be
broken into a million pieces with no hope of being put back together?
 
what hurts worst
is that you think it's because I don't love you
you have given me so much time to get it straight
but I wonder did you understand you awoke a demon
with your idea to play with cocaine?
I could have been in a rage and left you that day
but I loved you and went where you lead
 
I know I'm weak
it's clear to me now with all the pain and loss
going rounds with drugs earlier in life
I still hadn't learned
 
now you're clean and I'm stuck sneaking around
feeling every bit of my heart sink  
at the thought of losing you
I was an addict when we met  
I will always be an addict
but I can say I was clean for all those years
 
until you opened Pandora's box
and the demon bit me
I'm not blaming you I had a choice
but part of my plan to stay clean
involved a sober living situation
no drugs
 
sometimes I feel life conspires against us
that we were doomed to fail
I will break when you give up on me
but perhaps like a glow stick  
I have to be broken to shine fully