Two minutes (part two)

We lay there lost in thoughts of our own, it is now the new normal not to share our fears with each other. Not too long ago it was when we shared every raving thought before they were completely formed.

I broke the silence 'I wish.... ' , I needn't say more, she understands what I mean beyond what I've said. We get each other like that. I think I'm not a spineless  rat in not wanting this to be over, it is the  feeling that my incomplete statement makes complete sense to her that I'll miss,  the many looks that carry loaded meanings, the ways she knows me, understands me without me having to explain.  The fear that I'll never get this again, the possibility of never syncing with another soul...it can never be quite the same, can it?

Her soft voice disrupted my thoughts, bringing me back to the moment. Now we've given each other a little space,  our backs on the mattress, our faces to the ceiling, mine teary and unseeing and hers I assume,steady and clear.
'I never stopped loving you ' she said softly. Okay,  this is just crazy,  you don't want to be with me and you love me? Please explain, I'm lost,  I said as I begin to get rather furious. 'What do you think I am,  a play thing?', I'm not a fucking ping pong you can toss back and forth.
The sheer folly of it all strengthened me and in my tirade, I heard her say softly 'it's not easy for me too'. I was broken.  Not by this outburst but because her voice shook and when I hazard a look,  her lips quivered. Oh God, she's sad,  I can't bear for her to be sad,  I can't....

I raised myself on my elbow to get a better look of her face, and I knew in that moment I'll do her bidding,  anything to make her less sad, if it means sacrificing my happiness, oh, let that be. If being with me goes again your grain, I'll forget my how your smile make me tremble, forget the softness of your lips beneath mine, I'll forget  how the sound of your approaching footstep make my heart skip a beat,  forget the ecstasy your laughter beings. Oh,  I can do more,  I'll forget our shared laughter and tears, forget all the time we talked far into the night, the morning kisses with unbrushed teeth,  the velvety slickness of aching members. If forgetting will make you better, I will forget....

She touched my face and her eyes said 'thank you '....