Depression

Depression, it’s a thing that’s always going to be there, always going to be in my head, like I can take medications for it, yeah, but it’s always going to be there and that’s why I hate it so much, and it’s so fucking unpredictable. I can be completely fine now, then the next day I wake up, or even seconds later, something will trigger me, and here come depression with his good ol friend anxiety. I’ll fall to the ground because my knees are so weak and filled with sadness that I just can't stand anymore, my eyes will flood with tears, get red and puffy, my body will began to ache and will feel like every bone in my body is shattering, shattering into the disappointment I am. Depression is not what it seems to be in movies or even TV shows for that matter. It’s close curtains, being in bed all day, not wanting to go out, even if you made plans, you’ll just have to cancel them, and when you have anxiety that comes with that, it makes you scared to go out. There was so many times where I couldn’t even get out of bed, didn’t even brush my hair, peed myself and I wouldn’t shower for weeks, because I was too sad to get the fuck up. It’s just so miserable and frustrating, just to lie in your filth because you don’t give a shit about anything, because you can’t even give a shit about anything, because nothing fucking matters, and it just sucks because, it’s neurotic. Things matter, things, you care about things, but you can’t at the same time. So you’re stuck in this in between and it’s like you don’t care enough to go outside and hang with friends, but you care enough to..I don’t know..be alive. It’s just. I fucking hate depression, like why is it even here? Things are just shit, really shit. Like even if everything is okay, you feel stupid for being ungrateful, but I am grateful, it’s just I can’t predict or even put into words, what’s going on. I had to cancel so many things because I was too depressed, too depressed to even give a shit. It’s just you don’t want to see yourself living another day..I remember when my depression was so bad, but it’s really better, way better now. It started off where I couldn’t see myself in the next month, or in a couple weeks, then it was to the point where I couldn’t even see myself tomorrow, and that’s when I attempted suicide.. because I just couldn’t keep going on. If I don’t love myself then nobody ever will, and that’s what I’m trying to do now, I’m trying to love who I am, because who I am is great. If you have depression, be selfish, I know that’s bad to say, but be selfish, you have to care about yourself, you have to love yourself. You are the most perfect, amazing person you can be, and no one can take that from you, because the most important relationship you can have with anybody, is yourself. You have to want to be here, you have to want to keep going on, staying strong, you have to want it for you, and in the end you will be proud of yourself. Never give up, you got this.