Snooping in the House M.D.
Are you reading this?
I hope so, cause its for you.
You want to know whats really in my thoughts?
All the little deviant images that go through my head?
There is a piece of me I am trying to repair.
I never said anything explicitly to you because I thought I could get over it.
But it burned me enough where its like having a leg thats constantly in pain and taking Vicodin every 3 hours to numb the pain.
I thought loving you would heal that wounded part.
I was wrong.
So I attempted ways to solve it. I dont know what I was looking for. Where it was taking me. Or even why I did the things I do.
You think I am in love with her, but I am not.
I never had the chance to.
But the experience seems clipped. And I was trying to make a bridge somehow between what I feel and what I want to feel.
Even though I did all those things that hurt you,
I never stopped loving you. I just was too far in my head to give you the focus and attention you desired, and often deserved.
And we split up and became friends to each other.
And I appreciated you more than when we were together.
Because you came across less needy. Less attached.
It gave me an opportunity to seek you.
I think sometimes I want something I cant have.
I think sometimes I want whats in my head, and its clouding whats in front of me.
We had a weekend planned and I was excited for it. I took care of the car to make sure it could get us there and back without worry.
But you needed to know whats going on in my head. You needed to know what my conversations are with others. You needed to know if you need to be jealous. To prove to yourself that you are both jealous.
You see, you are already jealous, and so you have to set things up to prove that your feelings of jealousy are correct.
Rather than letting things be as good as they were, cause maybe they were too good, and that scared you. So you need to go into a space to let your jealousy out.
And maybe I wrote those things about you, unknown to myself, setting up this moment to get you upset cause I need to know if you are still jealous, or if I am ok to carry on with your approval.
We both know the answer to both of those questions now. You are jealous. And I am not free to do those things. Even with your permission, I was really not free to do those things. We both know that.
I am really angry at you. Angry that you still dont know when to keep your hands off my private stuff. I dont know that I would show you that myself, but I would minimally relate to you portions of the conversation. But at the same time, I have conversations with lots of people. And, for all intents and purposes, they are between me and the people I am taking to. Even if I talk about you to someone else, you should not be privy to that knowledge. In the same way if you talk about me to someone else. I dont expect you to tell me, or to find our through scrupulous means, but if you did, then thats your business.
If you did do that, I dont think I would react in the way that you did.
I dont hide a lot from you. But I know whats sensitive to you. And those are the things I try to keep secret. Other than that, you pretty much know all of my ins and outs. I dont like being secretive. But I do it cause I want to protect our friendship. But you feel like it needs to be completely open on every level.
I am sorry I hurt you. I dont want to place us in a position of ill-repair. I am angry, but I still love you. I am content with giving each other space if that is what you want. I know I have my own shit to contend with. Its gotten me here, whether this is a good space or not. I dont know. But I have to deal with the reality.
I want things for you. I want you to love. I want to see your successes.
I am always here for you and always will be.
I love you.