choices

choices, how is this a choice?, i sit here writing my poem
staring at my hands and writing in words
wandering why my hand cannot look a real part of me
this isn't a choice, i never once asked to be mentally messed up
dissociated, and fragmented, a sad story
did i ask for this ? not once, never!
so where is the choice in how i am now feeling?

if someone asks you what you want for christmas
you respond with your wants, surely i should have more choices
just like the christmas present i choose to pick
i should not be lumbered with feelings i never asked to feel
sometimes it feels like a box of bad has been attached to me
my mind and my soul damaged
when did i once ask to be neglected and ignored ?
when did i ask to be abused by the dark?
it was lumbered upon me, all of it

neglect was visible, she chose to neglect me
my needs and my feelings were not considered
i never asked her to neglect my feelings and yet
i had to suffer in consequence
her actions turned my inner world into an empty sad place
worthless good for nothing self hate, lack of self love

my mind felt silently pained, was this a choice?
the river who has to accept the pounding rain
grains of sand which have to accept the pain of people's feet
do i ask to feel sad , no , do i ask to feel empty
my want for abuse? hello, did i ever ask for this
so the choices are where? where?

rivers cannot say yes or no to rain touching their skin
even strong houses, even they have no choice
hail hits the roof and they cannot push back and say no , go away!
they have no choice and no forceful voice
most of the time having to withstand forces which come their way
grass, soil, rivers, ponds, oceans, seas, pounding treading of feet
heavy rain slamming down from right on above

do you know what its like to not have a choice in what happens to you ?
to feel out of control, silent and victimised
threatened, pained, overwhelmed or even disregarded
neglected in childhood, then i had to be abused later on in adulthood
your expected to believe in choices, being able to feel how you want to feel
because you can, because you have those rights, nothing has set you off course

sometimes i've felt like an unloveable kid who couldn't do a simple thing right!
sometimes i felt like an abused animal, trapped in a cage and suffocated by the bad
living in a living hell , do you know what that feels like ?
not being able to escape a trap
to be so incredibly unlucky and pained in life
that sometimes you actually question your life on this crazy thing called earth!

choices, excuse me , where have they been in my life ?
some people choose to step onto a train because they can
some people choose to travel on a plane
they can choose because they are not burdened, they can
i guess i'm somehow different from all of those normal lucky people out there