Love my mental illness, please.

I just dont want to put myself in a situation where i can hurt others again
The thought that i fucked someone up because of my selfish and unpredictable, unprocessed actions
I dont want to see someone the way i saw you
And i mean that in so many more ways than just one
I dont want another soul to hold
Because for me im not just holding im crushing
And destroying
And im not looking for pity
And i dont think im pitying myself
I just keep looking for that moment when i realized im not fucked up anymore
Im searching deep in my soul for that sigh of relief
Yet i cant find it
Its as though someone shoved their hand down my throat and took everything good from me
And i cant help but think maybe im the one
Maybe im the one who did that to me
That i stole all of my own happiness
And when that wasnt enough anymore i stole yours
And i crushed it in my palm like it was nothing
So no i am not searching for a nother person to love because i am still struggling to find a reason why i should put anyone in my path again.
It seems like theres no end,
As if im just following routines, im waking up in the morning and doing things but am i even really awake and doing things? Im following the motions
And the motions arent good anymore.
I dont know if they ever were
I dont know if i was ever good
But when you looked at me the sun set fire and i lit up like the fourth of july and when you leaned in to kiss me it was waterfalls and long drives and music and hand holding
Fingers intertwining and smiles rising
Even the clouds couldnt cover your shine.
So for me to look for that in someone else feels selfish, for me to ever think ill be able to love someone without breaking them feels selfish and it makes my chest ache bc all i want is to be good but i am a storm held in a jar and i was just waiting for you to knock me over
So i could shatter.