deepundergroundpoetry.com
Let's Talk Straight Because I Need That
There is no
art
in the half-assed
perfect alignment
of the correct form
with a string of
words
found in an online
thesaurus
or rhyme stew creator
That popped up
at the oportune
moment;
like a teenage boy
with a hard on
at the swimming gala
I need to be the bastard
cracking
the bitch
in the room
with a fat
reality check
Poetry either seeps out of your
damn pores
and paws
Pouring
like a fucking fountain
or it doesn't
It's either continually
worked on
Honed into
a damn craft
or it's not
Truth is
the poetry
shot itself in the head
paid the price
and is more
about someone's
imaginary edible panties
We're so busy posting
the daily bullshit
that edits
and calculated
word lust
are thrown to the wind
in a ball of
"who gives a shit"
It is not as much fun
when it's for any
other reason
than a passionate
love for the
artistic craft
of perfectly positioned
emotion
painted in gorgeous
vocabulary
Life is like poetry
without life
there is no
damn
poetry
-x-
Entry 4
Poems that didn't make the cut
for GloPoWriMo 2018
Posted 3rd May 2018
art
in the half-assed
perfect alignment
of the correct form
with a string of
words
found in an online
thesaurus
or rhyme stew creator
That popped up
at the oportune
moment;
like a teenage boy
with a hard on
at the swimming gala
I need to be the bastard
cracking
the bitch
in the room
with a fat
reality check
Poetry either seeps out of your
damn pores
and paws
Pouring
like a fucking fountain
or it doesn't
It's either continually
worked on
Honed into
a damn craft
or it's not
Truth is
the poetry
shot itself in the head
paid the price
and is more
about someone's
imaginary edible panties
We're so busy posting
the daily bullshit
that edits
and calculated
word lust
are thrown to the wind
in a ball of
"who gives a shit"
It is not as much fun
when it's for any
other reason
than a passionate
love for the
artistic craft
of perfectly positioned
emotion
painted in gorgeous
vocabulary
Life is like poetry
without life
there is no
damn
poetry
-x-
Entry 4
Poems that didn't make the cut
for GloPoWriMo 2018
Posted 3rd May 2018
Published 2nd May 2018
| Edited 7th Jun 2018
Author's Note
I have poems that I wrote for GloPoWriMo that I chose not to publish. Some are rubbish, some are okay. I'm just letting them breath on the page this week.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 8
reading list entries 1
comments 17
reads 587
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd May 2018 7:31am
3rd May 2018 8:31pm
2nd May 2018 8:21am
3rd May 2018 8:32pm
2nd May 2018 10:12am
fuck your words smell like shit
the stuff we had in the love is all you need
puff of chaotic wonder
keep it all up
the stuff we had in the love is all you need
puff of chaotic wonder
keep it all up
3rd May 2018 8:34pm
Damn!
Thanks for the fucking critique, man
Hey what exactly is that profile pic?
Fucking good of you to pop over and say Hi!
9th May 2018 6:06am
hey Al, just saw you over in the critique group and spritzed on over. I love the hard edge of clip to your words, I want too say sarcasm undertones. I loved your spin on *for the fun if the write* much respect,
Survivor🍒
Survivor🍒
14th May 2018 10:01pm
Thanks Survivor.
I completely appreciate your reading me and your wonderful comment. Loving your poetry eyes with the "sarcasm" note.
Thank you
Al
I completely appreciate your reading me and your wonderful comment. Loving your poetry eyes with the "sarcasm" note.
Thank you
Al
Anonymous
14th May 2018 9:08pm
Hello.
If you don’t mind, I haven’t exercised my critique muscle in a while, and occasionally you have to be the change. So bare with me while I rip this a new eye.
Because, poetry.
“There is no
art
in the half
assed
perfect alignment
of the correct form
with a string of
words
found on a online
thesaurus
or rhyme stew creator
that popped up
at the oportune
moment;
like a teenage boy
with a hard on
at the swimming gala”
- I’d like to suggest if I may, putting a line break in after “thesaurus” just because that feels like a stand alone stanza and where one would normally pause for breath. I’d also like to suggest working on the first part in grammatical terms, just because “half assed” is hyphenated, and “found on a online thesaurus” needs changing to “found in an online thesaurus” - the words are in the thesaurus, not on them.
“I need to be the bastard
that cracks
the bitch
in the room
with a fat
reality check
Poetry either seeps out of your
damn pores
and paws
like a fucking fountain
or it doesn't”
- The reality check stanza is great. The next stanza, I believe you mean the word “pours” (as in liquid in the fountain) not “paws” (animal paws)
It's either continually
worked on
and honed into
a damn craft
or it's not
- Full stop after it’s not? I think as a speaker, that’s where I would inflect. Therefore I would break there.
“Around the rooms we're in
Truth is
the poetry
shot itself in the head
paid the price
and is more
about someone's
imaginary edible panties
than the real life
that
rests
on the fine string
of
the well written
with a attitude
that bites”
- I would lose the “around the rooms we’re in” line altogether. Just because we (as readers) don’t know who we (the sudden multiples in the poem) are. That line seems a little redundant. If it were me, I’d cut it. “Truth is the poetry shot itself in the head” is a far more impactful opening to that stanza. This is the most clunky of all the stanzas. I’d actually lose everything after “than the real life” - everything else it what I’ve come to refer too as “digital fluff”. Words for words sake. They don’t add anything to the punch.
“We're so busy posting
the daily bullshit
that edits
and calculated
word lust
is thrown to the wind
in a ball of
"who gives a shit"
- “are thrown to the wind” not “is”
It is not as much fun
when it's for any
other reason
than a passionate
love for the
artistic craft
of perfectly positioned
emotion
painted in gorgeous
vocabulary
- nice stanza this one. If possible, I’d recommend a full stop at the end here. Natural break.
“Life is like poetry
and without life
there is no
damn
poetry!”
... the exclamation mark winds me up. Because it feels like you’re trying too hard to make a point, when the words make the point all by themselves. That may just be me. The poem however is called “let’s talk straight” so let your words do the talking. As Papa BooCow says: “don’t try”.
I like the bluntness of this piece. I’m pretty blunt myself, so I can relate which is always good. I think with a little “digital fluff” reduction it could actually be a perfectly acceptable piece.
Thank you for sharing.
If you don’t mind, I haven’t exercised my critique muscle in a while, and occasionally you have to be the change. So bare with me while I rip this a new eye.
Because, poetry.
“There is no
art
in the half
assed
perfect alignment
of the correct form
with a string of
words
found on a online
thesaurus
or rhyme stew creator
that popped up
at the oportune
moment;
like a teenage boy
with a hard on
at the swimming gala”
- I’d like to suggest if I may, putting a line break in after “thesaurus” just because that feels like a stand alone stanza and where one would normally pause for breath. I’d also like to suggest working on the first part in grammatical terms, just because “half assed” is hyphenated, and “found on a online thesaurus” needs changing to “found in an online thesaurus” - the words are in the thesaurus, not on them.
“I need to be the bastard
that cracks
the bitch
in the room
with a fat
reality check
Poetry either seeps out of your
damn pores
and paws
like a fucking fountain
or it doesn't”
- The reality check stanza is great. The next stanza, I believe you mean the word “pours” (as in liquid in the fountain) not “paws” (animal paws)
It's either continually
worked on
and honed into
a damn craft
or it's not
- Full stop after it’s not? I think as a speaker, that’s where I would inflect. Therefore I would break there.
“Around the rooms we're in
Truth is
the poetry
shot itself in the head
paid the price
and is more
about someone's
imaginary edible panties
than the real life
that
rests
on the fine string
of
the well written
with a attitude
that bites”
- I would lose the “around the rooms we’re in” line altogether. Just because we (as readers) don’t know who we (the sudden multiples in the poem) are. That line seems a little redundant. If it were me, I’d cut it. “Truth is the poetry shot itself in the head” is a far more impactful opening to that stanza. This is the most clunky of all the stanzas. I’d actually lose everything after “than the real life” - everything else it what I’ve come to refer too as “digital fluff”. Words for words sake. They don’t add anything to the punch.
“We're so busy posting
the daily bullshit
that edits
and calculated
word lust
is thrown to the wind
in a ball of
"who gives a shit"
- “are thrown to the wind” not “is”
It is not as much fun
when it's for any
other reason
than a passionate
love for the
artistic craft
of perfectly positioned
emotion
painted in gorgeous
vocabulary
- nice stanza this one. If possible, I’d recommend a full stop at the end here. Natural break.
“Life is like poetry
and without life
there is no
damn
poetry!”
... the exclamation mark winds me up. Because it feels like you’re trying too hard to make a point, when the words make the point all by themselves. That may just be me. The poem however is called “let’s talk straight” so let your words do the talking. As Papa BooCow says: “don’t try”.
I like the bluntness of this piece. I’m pretty blunt myself, so I can relate which is always good. I think with a little “digital fluff” reduction it could actually be a perfectly acceptable piece.
Thank you for sharing.
14th May 2018 9:44pm
Well fuckedy fuck! Look at that... A reader with a fucking honest critique!
1) So thank you. It is extremely kind of you to take the time to scrutinize my writing and produce a utterly decent critique at it. Much gratitude at you!
2) I realise how long it must have taken to get to that very detailed comment and feel a slap dash reply that didn't return any valid edits would be insult. So please bare with me, while I go through it line for line. After which I will most certainly offer a valid and respectful reply.
3) Your hat is falling off must be the wind or something, a trick I use is to put my hand on my head (above the hat) works perfectly.
Hugely indebted to you
Thank you
Al
1) So thank you. It is extremely kind of you to take the time to scrutinize my writing and produce a utterly decent critique at it. Much gratitude at you!
2) I realise how long it must have taken to get to that very detailed comment and feel a slap dash reply that didn't return any valid edits would be insult. So please bare with me, while I go through it line for line. After which I will most certainly offer a valid and respectful reply.
3) Your hat is falling off must be the wind or something, a trick I use is to put my hand on my head (above the hat) works perfectly.
Hugely indebted to you
Thank you
Al
Anonymous
14th May 2018 10:58pm
1) You’re welcome.
2) I’m in no rush.
3) Then I’d be walking round with my arm above my head like a crazy woman. And I’ve been told I’m not. I have paperwork.
I don’t however have any hat paperwork. I mean, hat hints and tips are clearly your thing, man. Just do your thing. I bow before your hat based advice. 😂
2) I’m in no rush.
3) Then I’d be walking round with my arm above my head like a crazy woman. And I’ve been told I’m not. I have paperwork.
I don’t however have any hat paperwork. I mean, hat hints and tips are clearly your thing, man. Just do your thing. I bow before your hat based advice. 😂
If you don’t mind, I haven’t exercised my critique muscle in a while, and occasionally you have to be the change. So bare with me while I rip this a new eye.
Because, poetry.
Flexing muscles is an important thing! It is healthy. I appreciate every moment spent. "Because, poetry." While you need no reason that is possibly the best reason ever!
My responses are not in order of your critique but rather the edits, hense the quotations...
.. the exclamation mark winds me up. Because it feels like you’re trying too hard to make a point, when the words make the point all by themselves
Frankly, you are 100% correct. Apart from which the punctuation does not match the rest of the style of the write... Leaving it feeling uneasy on the page. Thank you for that. *edited accordingly
vocabulary
- nice stanza this one. If possible, I’d recommend a full stop at the end here. Natural break.
I would have agreed, however having pulled the exclamation that full stop will be one lonely guy in the poem looking lost. Kinda feel the resolve needs to be punctuate or don't. However it is on a line break followed by a cap for a sentence so it should breath better.
I’d like to suggest if I may, putting a line break in after “thesaurus” just because that feels like a stand alone stanza and where one would normally pause for breath
This worries me because "rhyme stew" is part of that sentence and thought process... But possibly if I broke the stanza after that it might give that breath we need. *edited, does it read easier?
I’d also like to suggest working on the first part in grammatical terms, just because “half assed” is hyphenated, and “found on a online thesaurus” needs changing to “found in an online thesaurus” - the words are in the thesaurus, not on them.
*hyphen added
*found in changed... This is a location thing though us South Africans look on a website or computer or on DU... But as this is an international read we go with the english!
The reality check stanza is great. The next stanza, I believe you mean the word “pours” (as in liquid in the fountain) not “paws” (animal paws)
This sidelined me... I was fairly sure the word play was the best part of the piece. A very good example of what a writer thinks is self explanatory, isn't always so.
* I added a "pouring". Is it more obvious?
- I would lose the “around the rooms we’re in” line altogether.
agreed both counts...
* Edited
“are thrown to the wind” not “is”
* Agreed!
Thank you ever so much for the time and effort you afforded this. I haven't edited any of the GloPo stuff... I posted em as they came out and I've been working the back of the pages since. I'm so grateful for your input!
Al ;)
Because, poetry.
Flexing muscles is an important thing! It is healthy. I appreciate every moment spent. "Because, poetry." While you need no reason that is possibly the best reason ever!
My responses are not in order of your critique but rather the edits, hense the quotations...
.. the exclamation mark winds me up. Because it feels like you’re trying too hard to make a point, when the words make the point all by themselves
Frankly, you are 100% correct. Apart from which the punctuation does not match the rest of the style of the write... Leaving it feeling uneasy on the page. Thank you for that. *edited accordingly
vocabulary
- nice stanza this one. If possible, I’d recommend a full stop at the end here. Natural break.
I would have agreed, however having pulled the exclamation that full stop will be one lonely guy in the poem looking lost. Kinda feel the resolve needs to be punctuate or don't. However it is on a line break followed by a cap for a sentence so it should breath better.
I’d like to suggest if I may, putting a line break in after “thesaurus” just because that feels like a stand alone stanza and where one would normally pause for breath
This worries me because "rhyme stew" is part of that sentence and thought process... But possibly if I broke the stanza after that it might give that breath we need. *edited, does it read easier?
I’d also like to suggest working on the first part in grammatical terms, just because “half assed” is hyphenated, and “found on a online thesaurus” needs changing to “found in an online thesaurus” - the words are in the thesaurus, not on them.
*hyphen added
*found in changed... This is a location thing though us South Africans look on a website or computer or on DU... But as this is an international read we go with the english!
The reality check stanza is great. The next stanza, I believe you mean the word “pours” (as in liquid in the fountain) not “paws” (animal paws)
This sidelined me... I was fairly sure the word play was the best part of the piece. A very good example of what a writer thinks is self explanatory, isn't always so.
* I added a "pouring". Is it more obvious?
- I would lose the “around the rooms we’re in” line altogether.
agreed both counts...
* Edited
“are thrown to the wind” not “is”
* Agreed!
Thank you ever so much for the time and effort you afforded this. I haven't edited any of the GloPo stuff... I posted em as they came out and I've been working the back of the pages since. I'm so grateful for your input!
Al ;)
Anonymous
14th May 2018 11:37pm
“Flexing muscles is an important thing! It is healthy. I appreciate every moment spent. "Because, poetry." While you need no reason that is possibly the best reason ever!”
- if I’m flexing muscles or fkn running you better believe my life is in serious danger. Because this girl doesn’t run. Hell to the eff nooooo. Lol. While I do partake in a little yoga these days, that requires a little more decorum, my dear. I’m down with that. “Because, poetry” comes from my latest write “Rampensau” - seemed like the perfect line for me. I loved it so much, I made it my tagline.
“Frankly, you are 100% correct. Apart from which the punctuation does not match the rest of the style of the write... Leaving it feeling uneasy on the page. Thank you for that. *edited accordingly”
- I’m glad you felt that way.
“I would have agreed, however having pulled the exclamation that full stop will be one lonely guy in the poem looking lost. Kinda feel the resolve needs to be punctuate or don't. However it is on a line break followed by a cap for a sentence so it should breath better”
- In hindsight you may be right here so I’ll let that one go. Challenge game, set and match. K’pow.
“This worries me because "rhyme stew" is part of that sentence and thought process... But possibly if I broke the stanza after that it might give that breath we need. *edited, does it read easier?”
- the stew is cooked. Wunderbar.
“*hyphen added
*found in changed... This is a location thing though us South Africans look on a website or computer or on DU... But as this is an international read we go with the english!”
- Well, South Africa. Let’s discuss all the fkn reasons you are oh so very grammatically wrong. Don’t even get me started on your bizarre words. 😂
“This sidelined me... I was fairly sure the word play was the best part of the piece. A very good example of what a writer thinks is self explanatory, isn't always so.
* I added a "pouring". Is it more obvious?
agreed both counts...
* Edited”
- ok, while I get its word play, I just think it’s distracting from what you’re trying to say. I even find myself tripping on it. I can’t even think of how to fix it right now without losing that humour which is undoubtedly you. Obviously I don’t want to edit ‘you’ out of the poem either. Hmmm. I’ll think.
“Thank you ever so much for the time and effort you afforded this. I haven't edited any of the GloPo stuff... I posted em as they came out and I've been working the back of the pages since. I'm so grateful for your input!”
Al ;)
- well if I can’t give a good critique once in a while, there really is no point is there. You’re welcome, sweet.
- if I’m flexing muscles or fkn running you better believe my life is in serious danger. Because this girl doesn’t run. Hell to the eff nooooo. Lol. While I do partake in a little yoga these days, that requires a little more decorum, my dear. I’m down with that. “Because, poetry” comes from my latest write “Rampensau” - seemed like the perfect line for me. I loved it so much, I made it my tagline.
“Frankly, you are 100% correct. Apart from which the punctuation does not match the rest of the style of the write... Leaving it feeling uneasy on the page. Thank you for that. *edited accordingly”
- I’m glad you felt that way.
“I would have agreed, however having pulled the exclamation that full stop will be one lonely guy in the poem looking lost. Kinda feel the resolve needs to be punctuate or don't. However it is on a line break followed by a cap for a sentence so it should breath better”
- In hindsight you may be right here so I’ll let that one go. Challenge game, set and match. K’pow.
“This worries me because "rhyme stew" is part of that sentence and thought process... But possibly if I broke the stanza after that it might give that breath we need. *edited, does it read easier?”
- the stew is cooked. Wunderbar.
“*hyphen added
*found in changed... This is a location thing though us South Africans look on a website or computer or on DU... But as this is an international read we go with the english!”
- Well, South Africa. Let’s discuss all the fkn reasons you are oh so very grammatically wrong. Don’t even get me started on your bizarre words. 😂
“This sidelined me... I was fairly sure the word play was the best part of the piece. A very good example of what a writer thinks is self explanatory, isn't always so.
* I added a "pouring". Is it more obvious?
agreed both counts...
* Edited”
- ok, while I get its word play, I just think it’s distracting from what you’re trying to say. I even find myself tripping on it. I can’t even think of how to fix it right now without losing that humour which is undoubtedly you. Obviously I don’t want to edit ‘you’ out of the poem either. Hmmm. I’ll think.
“Thank you ever so much for the time and effort you afforded this. I haven't edited any of the GloPo stuff... I posted em as they came out and I've been working the back of the pages since. I'm so grateful for your input!”
Al ;)
- well if I can’t give a good critique once in a while, there really is no point is there. You’re welcome, sweet.
15th May 2018 3:01am
Truth is
the poetry
shot itself in the head
paid the price
and is more
about someone's
imaginary edible panties
You better say it!!! *love* this
the poetry
shot itself in the head
paid the price
and is more
about someone's
imaginary edible panties
You better say it!!! *love* this
15th May 2018 10:43am
Aah the lady with the "Christmas Tree" legs...
Good to have you here!
Thank you for listing my poem!
Do you think... The first and second stanza would read better as a single Verse. Miss Supa Critique above went with two but I'm reading it and thinking... Flow... Flow!
Love at you for spreading love here!
Al x
Good to have you here!
Thank you for listing my poem!
Do you think... The first and second stanza would read better as a single Verse. Miss Supa Critique above went with two but I'm reading it and thinking... Flow... Flow!
Love at you for spreading love here!
Al x
16th May 2018 10:04pm
bigger question are you writing for you? or someone else?
it flows how YOU see fit!
ijs...its (it's for the grammar nazi's) your expression right? i get what the person is saying but...is it not your words? your expression?
i say leave it the way you want it!
it flows how YOU see fit!
ijs...its (it's for the grammar nazi's) your expression right? i get what the person is saying but...is it not your words? your expression?
i say leave it the way you want it!
16th May 2018 10:19pm
Ooh a conversation I could spend hours in...
To answer your most important question..
"bigger question are you writing for you? or someone else? "
See I've tried writing for lots of peeps... My mom, me, the aunty with the labrador the whole lot! I found out the best reason to write.... For the reader. All good and well writing but umm needs to be read and readers have needs. Universal.
So in my quest... I found out the best damn thing is when readers give it to you.
You know what?
The ones that rest on the page and breath the happiest breaths are the words that readers slam dunked hard truth at. The more solid the truth, the more worthwhile the poem. Thank heavens for that "honest critique" button.
Around my pages... We all just say it like it is when we read it and I just call an attorney if we get a traffic jam.
Welcome here btw. It's good having an extra pair of eyes on the words.
Al ;)
To answer your most important question..
"bigger question are you writing for you? or someone else? "
See I've tried writing for lots of peeps... My mom, me, the aunty with the labrador the whole lot! I found out the best reason to write.... For the reader. All good and well writing but umm needs to be read and readers have needs. Universal.
So in my quest... I found out the best damn thing is when readers give it to you.
You know what?
The ones that rest on the page and breath the happiest breaths are the words that readers slam dunked hard truth at. The more solid the truth, the more worthwhile the poem. Thank heavens for that "honest critique" button.
Around my pages... We all just say it like it is when we read it and I just call an attorney if we get a traffic jam.
Welcome here btw. It's good having an extra pair of eyes on the words.
Al ;)
