Big Dave's Scottish Recopies

Tuna Milkshake:

Take one live yellow fin tuna
force it to drink a large glass of milk
Attach the tuna to your electricity supply
And leave to shake for about five minutes
or ten minutes if you think it's funny
Place the Tuna into a liquidiser
add cashew nuts and bat eared mushrooms
blend on full power for about two minutes
pour into a glass and top with sugar
frosted cheesy pasta and garlic marshmallows
turn off your central heating and serve chilled

Haggis Pizza :

Take one Haggis be it bald or hairy
delicately cut its legs off with
a chain saw, this should be done whilst
the haggis is still alive as fear makes
a much better flavour I suppose it
depends on your sense of humour
and whether you can put up with the screaming
Hang on a meat hook for four days or until he confesses
Place in a pan of boiling water
add whisky and coriander to taste
drain after 20 minutes sprinkle with parmesan
and roll in grated chocolate and raw sewerage.
Phone Pizza Hut and order a Large deep pan
swimming in grease, egg and anchovy special
with extra hormone injected animal fats
when it arrives, shoot the delivery guy,
There can be no witnesses
take the pizza an roughly scrape the topping
on to the haggis and flush the base down the toilet
grill for ten minutes or interrogate for 20 minutes
then serve bagpiping hot, as The Breakfast of Champions


Whisky and lamb Casserole :

Take one sheep,
take it again,
take it again and again
Take it as many times as
the Viagra will allow,
don't kill it or eat it,
there's tomorrow to think of
and the next day and Saturday night
Take one large enamel bucket of scotch
and drink all at once, I assure you
that sheep will become even better looking
offer her some of your favourite tipple
you never know you might get lucky
who needs a casserole
this is really
living

Glesga Shortbread :

Shortbread derived frpm the Gaelic Short 'a' bread.
Invented in ancient times (2016) a poor man's cookie
it has taken a more sinister meaning in urban patter
you must be so poor you'd eat a church mouse
First and foremost you must knead the dough
Take one large fence post treated or untreated
wrap around the top with lashings of razor wire
Hammer three six inch nails sticking through the end
enlist the help of six psychotic hairy haggises,
roam the streets of Glesga looking for American Tourists,
once found hit three times with the chib
and then demand all their bread
(Money, dough, dollars credit cards etc,)
uttering the immortal line " Don't you try and run on us,
cause I got six little hairy friends and they can all run
much faster than you"(Best George Clooney Impersonations please)
give the haggises their cut and head off to the bar