deepundergroundpoetry.com
Whole my Life
meet walking corpse - with a sad Grin,
keeping a treasure box - with despair Within,
meet crying clown - performing my best Jokes,
about a granite stone - hidden behind dry Oaks.
whole my Life....
i hide the truth as it may be - heart Breaking,
i offer lies and they're up - for the Taking,
should you be concerned? - or just take Them?
should you ask? - or just break Them?
whole my Life....
i live pretending that my soul's - not in Ashtray,
i live pretending as it is my job - to seem Ok,
"i'm alive - and i'm living",
i have died - i'm just breathing.
for the whole, rest of my Life....
With my personal - ghost in an Photograph,
i try to smile - and then i try to Laugh,
echoing through empty halls - of my head,
all the voices that - she used to sing in our bed.
whole my Life....
is she in another world? - is she right here beside Me?
lost in endless voids? - in broken teacup belonging to Nobody?
unborn tears try to smirk - while i'm being lonely,
my eyes flirt with ash - but my thoughts, with death only.
whole my Life....
so while stars are up - and street lights are Dark,
i dance alone - with her in concrete Park,
candles burn - while red bottles Fall,
and my mind gets drowned - in alcohol.
for the whole, rest of my Life....
i dare not to think - that she's still somewhere Watching,
that breeze would be her hug - and rain her Touching,
i dare not to step - on the cracks in Pavement,
for they might break - our nonexistent Engagement.
whole my Life....
laying in room full of glass - and scribbled Paper,
laying in world of confused days - and foggy Vapor,
without a clue - colour to Prefer,
hopelessly waiting for - another chance to meet Her.
whole my Life....
with a last note or two - still left to Compose,
i'll take a walk - i've always hated Those,
i watch my paradise - flowing under Arch,
i watch it in treetop - of every tall Birch.
for the whole, rest of my Life....
i'm keeper of letters no-one - ever Reads,
i'm keeper of secrets leaving behind - no Leads,
i wish to help - when others Cry.
i wish to die - yet never Try.
whole my Life....
now you know - my Story,
say, do you care? - do you Worry?
call me a weirdo - or to stand Up,
walking mystery - or walking Breakup.
i don't Care....
waiting for lady in black - and, for our last Dance,
burning blossoms of roses - with, morbid Romance,
visiting graves - and bells Dreams,
silently voicing - their desperate Screams.
for the whole - rest of my Life....
Published 14th Mar 2018
| Edited 23rd Feb 2021
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 8
reads 516
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
15th Mar 2018 6:32am
few points... my personal opinions on this ink-how i felt reading it
i. the depth of your feelings is rarely understood, for people can't help but judge, based on what's apparent.
ii. this ink for the effect it had on me a reader, i have to say is profound and moving. may not be the same for others, when read and re-read, it conveys the emotions you felt pretty well, hence the effect on (this) reader.
iii. they say the price of empathy is pain, and price of love/care?..well you explain much better through example in this..
as for the honoring of your request for honest critique...
i have not much to say 'cept the capitalization of each end word, i presume you mean to put the extra emphasis on that, fine by me but for traditional readers, it looks not normal.
and the ellipses expressing the longer pause, i believe are not that necessary as leaving them separate from the stanzas as stand alone lines delivers the same effect.
and in this ink which is heart-felt...it does that perfectly
from this ink i gather...my brother..you been dealing with life rather than showing your back to it! keep fighting soldier!
i. the depth of your feelings is rarely understood, for people can't help but judge, based on what's apparent.
ii. this ink for the effect it had on me a reader, i have to say is profound and moving. may not be the same for others, when read and re-read, it conveys the emotions you felt pretty well, hence the effect on (this) reader.
iii. they say the price of empathy is pain, and price of love/care?..well you explain much better through example in this..
as for the honoring of your request for honest critique...
i have not much to say 'cept the capitalization of each end word, i presume you mean to put the extra emphasis on that, fine by me but for traditional readers, it looks not normal.
and the ellipses expressing the longer pause, i believe are not that necessary as leaving them separate from the stanzas as stand alone lines delivers the same effect.
and in this ink which is heart-felt...it does that perfectly
from this ink i gather...my brother..you been dealing with life rather than showing your back to it! keep fighting soldier!
15th Mar 2018 11:30am
Thank you for your critique. I don't think i can express how happy that made me. ^-^
If i may, i would like to explain intended purpose of the "features" you mentioned - for it seems i may finally gather information on whether they're fulfilling their purpose
officially, i use capitalization of the end word rather than the first one to create the feeling that "there's something wrong" in the reader (the same reason is behind the four - instead of the three dots (altho you need to understand numerology a bit for that), or the purpose of the "ABBABA-C" structure of my "Book of Pain" works), unofficially it's my way to differentiate my works from the general poetry.... so if you were to see my work among few others and knew of my existence - immediately knew that one of them is mine
so are they "not looking normal" as "off-putting"? for then they actually convey their purpose....
or are they "not looking normal" as "seem weird and are just annoying"? and i should get rid of those/try to alter them to better fulfill their purpose?
I presume "elipse" is this: "-" (and apologize for my lack of language understanding) i used those to shorten the work and make it seem more... "tight"
I think that makes them easier to read.... (but have no data supporting that theory)
On this other page, i have found that physically longer works (take longer time to scroll through than works with the number of words alike) have worse (altho the difference is not big enough to clearly hint at causality) comment/view ratio
the change is not linear tho, and works of only text and no "structure" have it actually the worst. (alto i haven't made many)
Thank You
- Mr.Rain
If i may, i would like to explain intended purpose of the "features" you mentioned - for it seems i may finally gather information on whether they're fulfilling their purpose
officially, i use capitalization of the end word rather than the first one to create the feeling that "there's something wrong" in the reader (the same reason is behind the four - instead of the three dots (altho you need to understand numerology a bit for that), or the purpose of the "ABBABA-C" structure of my "Book of Pain" works), unofficially it's my way to differentiate my works from the general poetry.... so if you were to see my work among few others and knew of my existence - immediately knew that one of them is mine
so are they "not looking normal" as "off-putting"? for then they actually convey their purpose....
or are they "not looking normal" as "seem weird and are just annoying"? and i should get rid of those/try to alter them to better fulfill their purpose?
I presume "elipse" is this: "-" (and apologize for my lack of language understanding) i used those to shorten the work and make it seem more... "tight"
I think that makes them easier to read.... (but have no data supporting that theory)
On this other page, i have found that physically longer works (take longer time to scroll through than works with the number of words alike) have worse (altho the difference is not big enough to clearly hint at causality) comment/view ratio
the change is not linear tho, and works of only text and no "structure" have it actually the worst. (alto i haven't made many)
Thank You
- Mr.Rain
16th Mar 2018 11:22am
Welcome your fantastic reply dear bro!
now you made it clear your 'features', i can see it much better!
my suggestion would be to mention the features somewhere on the page as to guide the untrained and the confused eye. Yes confused, because what schemes and structures you have put there, are 'different' to the 'usual'/traditional styles. But again, I also understand your reason behind them. Reminded me of similar tactic i used to do in my works on other language poetry sites, even in English poems... capitalise the some words in a sequence when put together would spell my pen-name there. :-)
no, your features are not off-putting just out of the ordinary/usual. To an objective eye they are unusual/unique. But those biased towards traditional writing styles would argue that it's not right and so forth. But again, that is their opinion and they have the right to hold so. Not saying what you have done is wrong. Just different and may confuse the untrained eye easily. Like myself! :-)
no, the ellipsis am referring to are the three dots at the end of the stand alone lines '...'
to my understanding the ellipsis i mentioned above represents the omission of words and also derived long pause as the effect, the latter is natural since the line is a stand alone and separated from the other stanzas.
I get your perspective and reasoning, just explaining how the poem to the best of my knowledge is generally perceived/received/viewed.
now you made it clear your 'features', i can see it much better!
my suggestion would be to mention the features somewhere on the page as to guide the untrained and the confused eye. Yes confused, because what schemes and structures you have put there, are 'different' to the 'usual'/traditional styles. But again, I also understand your reason behind them. Reminded me of similar tactic i used to do in my works on other language poetry sites, even in English poems... capitalise the some words in a sequence when put together would spell my pen-name there. :-)
no, your features are not off-putting just out of the ordinary/usual. To an objective eye they are unusual/unique. But those biased towards traditional writing styles would argue that it's not right and so forth. But again, that is their opinion and they have the right to hold so. Not saying what you have done is wrong. Just different and may confuse the untrained eye easily. Like myself! :-)
no, the ellipsis am referring to are the three dots at the end of the stand alone lines '...'
to my understanding the ellipsis i mentioned above represents the omission of words and also derived long pause as the effect, the latter is natural since the line is a stand alone and separated from the other stanzas.
I get your perspective and reasoning, just explaining how the poem to the best of my knowledge is generally perceived/received/viewed.
16th Mar 2018 1:15pm
oh.... I see.
They're originally to add "4" to the line.
But if it's just creating unnecessary suspension they're not worth their existence.
I'll (at least try to) keep it in mind in the future. ^^
as for this poem
I can't think of a four word substitute that would sound well right now, but ill put a note somewhere about it.
About perspective and reasoning.... i'm not sure it's very clear so i'd like to make say that i wasn't/am not trying to defend the poem/features nor to "make you understand them"
i'm just trying to understand your critique better so i can make use of it when creating future works.
Thank You
- Mr.Rain
They're originally to add "4" to the line.
But if it's just creating unnecessary suspension they're not worth their existence.
I'll (at least try to) keep it in mind in the future. ^^
as for this poem
I can't think of a four word substitute that would sound well right now, but ill put a note somewhere about it.
About perspective and reasoning.... i'm not sure it's very clear so i'd like to make say that i wasn't/am not trying to defend the poem/features nor to "make you understand them"
i'm just trying to understand your critique better so i can make use of it when creating future works.
Thank You
- Mr.Rain
17th Mar 2018 6:54am
dear brother,
the point was to exchange each other's views/opinions as to why things are the way they are. I am satisfied with your reason and also mine or anyone's critique just because they (including me) believe what we're saying is right not necessarily be right. And it is absolutely ok to disregard it if your mind and heart don't feel it is right. No, no way anywhere was your response defensive, in fact, i am pleased to find someone who is open and keen to have true and honest critique on their works. I'll do my best for your future works my brother, to say what i feel, without hesitation.
keep going champ!
the point was to exchange each other's views/opinions as to why things are the way they are. I am satisfied with your reason and also mine or anyone's critique just because they (including me) believe what we're saying is right not necessarily be right. And it is absolutely ok to disregard it if your mind and heart don't feel it is right. No, no way anywhere was your response defensive, in fact, i am pleased to find someone who is open and keen to have true and honest critique on their works. I'll do my best for your future works my brother, to say what i feel, without hesitation.
keep going champ!
17th Mar 2018 8:01am
15th Mar 2018 9:14pm
16th Mar 2018 6:05am
