This is madness

I´m not sure what this... What this is will be...
Maybe in the end someone knows.
Sitting in my room at 12 pm listening to a song, which makes me think a lot about my life.
But i cant sort out whats right and whats wrong.
I should be proud of what i achieved in my life, but there is always this strange feeling that nothing is going to be right.
Im feeling anger, hate, disappointment, anxiety.
I want to scream, destroy my room but im sitting here -calm like snow- on my chair and write these lines.
So many things to think about...
So many things to complain about...
So many things to do...
Sometimes i feel like i dont know who i am anymore, cause there is this feeling that nothing is left of me, then this empty shell of a human body.
Is there forgivness for me in the end?
Will this ever end or am i cursed until the end of my life?
Can they understand, how it was being face to face with death?
Seeing the freedom and the eternal peace behind the black veil?
But choosing life instead of death, cause you love them so much.
How is it even possible to love as intense as i do, if you are dead on the inside?
Little do they know about the conflict, which is dividing me for years now.
They always say that humans can change.
That we are not the one, we once were.
I really want to believe it, so i can be free at the end, but it haunts me in every thought i have like a ghost in the night.
THIS IS MADNESS.