deepundergroundpoetry.com
Basho After the Rain
Look, oh waves so bright,
This hidden mess beneath stars
steps bare in your grass.
Oak leaves brush the bark.
Scattered squirrels, tatters of light,
question these footsteps.
As songless snap-birds,
fluttering bounced branches, you
whisper to a train.
This hidden mess beneath stars
steps bare in your grass.
Oak leaves brush the bark.
Scattered squirrels, tatters of light,
question these footsteps.
As songless snap-birds,
fluttering bounced branches, you
whisper to a train.
Published 25th Feb 2018
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He would love this. Beautifully done.
While I love Haiku, modern versions are rarely enough. They lack the punch of their origin, leaving no aftertaste. Renga is one of my favorite forms, I could almost say you channeled Basho on this. The form is modern but the essense tradition.
Train is a perfect kireji ( as are footsteps ), a sharp juxtaposition against nature. Leaves a long-fading whistle of aftertaste within the rustling leaves.
While I love Haiku, modern versions are rarely enough. They lack the punch of their origin, leaving no aftertaste. Renga is one of my favorite forms, I could almost say you channeled Basho on this. The form is modern but the essense tradition.
Train is a perfect kireji ( as are footsteps ), a sharp juxtaposition against nature. Leaves a long-fading whistle of aftertaste within the rustling leaves.
9th Mar 2018 5:12am
I liked your use of alliteration. I have to admit "whisper to a train" made no sense to me, but I guess according to Ahavati it is supposed to be jarring. The whole scene reminds me of my grandma's backyard, there was a highway close that had an almost whispered hum. That brought it all together.
9th Mar 2018 5:40am
The 'whisper to a train' line is contrast to the serenity of the backyard to the rumbling, horn-blowing, almost violence of the train passing. Though understated. Which is why the birds are 'snap-birds' that seem like they are whispering to the train.
Maybe not jarring, but a revealing turn of some kind. It helps to be clear though, and I can see that its choppiness didn't lead to the intended effect.
I appreciate your comments, DomistLoral. Thank you.
Maybe not jarring, but a revealing turn of some kind. It helps to be clear though, and I can see that its choppiness didn't lead to the intended effect.
I appreciate your comments, DomistLoral. Thank you.
9th Mar 2018 6:23am
I think your meaning here can have so many layers. The work of a great mind.
