The last thing I need is another Love Poem

You are already so soft to me, not like anyone I’ve had before. And a gentle flowered turn of phrase {I love you} would feel more like defeat than anything else. I’ve lost too many wars with my own feelings, I don’t want this to be one, so I’m trying so hard to not want you this way or at least not this badly. And the trouble with me and love poems is I’ve written so many about the ones who loved me badly, I wouldn’t even know where to begin about someone who might actually do it right. Honestly the truth is I’m afraid that you’ll be just another person who got bored once the novelty wore off. Because I know I’m better in theory - more alluring in the abstract. I’m scared you’ll become just one of the almost-lovers that I can’t stop writing poetry for. I don’t want to write a love poem about you because then it’s all over. The point of no return. And I know better than to play jump rope with my heartstrings. If I write a love poem then I’ll show all my cards and then we’ll both know I’ve been bluffing. And if I write it down there will be documentation of yet another time I put my heart where my mouth is and made a fool of myself. I don’t want you to see me like that. I don’t you to see me like I see myself. Because the truth is, I’m having trouble believing someone like you ever looked at me in the first place. I have been trained to wear my body like a sad apology because I’m still unlearning self loathing. It’s easy to believe in myself when I’m not in the headlights of some beautiful boy from up north but I expect you to find everything wrong with me. Even though I keep hoping that you won’t. The last thing I need to do is write a love poem because I’m already in too deep without one.