Numb Again

I miss being sleepy
With you
Laying in your bed while you play guitar
Drowsy listening
And when you get in
It’s all silver
The darkness
And your voice
And your hands
and I smile
Because it is so beautiful
You are so beautiful
Sometimes
And I don’t care
If that’s the wrong adjective;

Tonight I thought of getting drunk
But We went bowling
And I got nervous about spending money
I Giggled too much
And had a stutter when I spoke
I felt like such an idiot
Yes such a fucking idiot;

We almost drove to their house
And I almost felt like someone I used to be
it really scared me
To think of who I was
Before you
But for some reason I was so numb
And still am

Sometimes I really don’t know who I am
Why is it so important for me to know
When I never have
Sometimes I thought I had
But maybe I was wrong
Maybe I still am
God I wish I had some fucking consistency in my life
God I wish I could believe in God as blindly as anyone who does

I wish you could hold me too-

But Maybe I deserve to be alone