ANY SO CALLED PROMISED LAND  (1-21-96, Galveston Island, Texas)

   
2:30  3:00    
4:00 a m    
here i am    
yet again      
still crawling    
around      
on brittle      
bones    
wasted muscles    
and thinning skin    
way down    
here below    
nowhere near    
any so called    
promised land    
where presently    
i stand    
before    
this hate filled    
mirror    
to watch myself    
slowly disappear      
right before    
my desperate eyes    
a little more    
every day    
every night    
hour after    
hour    
lost here in    
this limbo realm    
of micro cosmic  
introspective  
near bottomless  
self reflection  
this frightening  
futile    
inner realm  
of no deposit    
no return    
where in    
just    
a few short    
years    
ive seen      
and watched myself    
grow      
way too old    
long before    
my time    
my ravaged body    
can hardly    
stand    
nor barely support    
much more    
optimism    
or heartfelt hope    
than ive      
already    
used up    
thus far    
just another    
stubborn    
one in a    
million    
resilient  rubber    
soul    
i guess
yet still
so very tired  
of fighting  
this so far  
unyielding war  
half wanting  
to keep on  
while  
impatiently  
half longing  
for the  
ghost side  
of lifes fence  
although  
i realize now
ive long been  
well on my    
way    
in this trying      
trial      
and tribulation    
nightmare jubilation      
of this      
long  strange journeys    
mostly inner    
mysterious quest    
still      
struggling on    
seemingly forever    
on down      
this lonesome    
leaving road      
of so much    
relentless emptiness      
imposed    
but at least      
im not    
completely alone    
not quite fully    
given up    
nor gone    
just yet    
with two    
old friends      
who still call    
at times      
to reminisce      
in trying to      
lift    
my spirits up    
and a family    
who say    
they care    
i know    
they do    
but in truth    
i know that    
none of them    
no not one    
really know me    
not the true    
me      
i most      
wholly am    
and most likely    
never will      
but still somehow      
in some      
sad      
but not so    
tragic way    
that itself    
may be enough    
for me    
at least    
this time around    
and then      
theres my lover    
whom i      
cant even    
fully touch anymore    
who nonetheless    
through      
his friendship    
and love    
has chosen to      
still    
be here      
for me    
to selflessly      
escort me through    
my many trials    
who has witnessed    
all too      
closely    
my every      
very scary      
new  sudden      
tribulation    
he has done    
and freely given      
so much    
but still    
i worry    
who will escort    
him    
if and when    
he becomes    
me    
and i run    
out of road      
who will      
be there      
for him    
to help carry    
and lighten    
his unforeseeable    
load      
who will      
be there    
to show    
and give him    
unconditional love      
in his darkest    
hours    
in return    
for that    
in my time    
hes given me    
if and when    
they should  ever    
come      
if not me    
then perhaps      
some other    
warm  kind angel    
by then      
i hope    
might come along      
to help    
guide him    
to soothe and    
comfort    
his war torn    
heart    
into and through    
this true      
ongoing    
nightmare journey    
it seems our      
kind      
must take    
which apparently    
must precede    
to make ready    
into      
or out of    
then      
back into again    
each souls potential    
re entry    
into any so    
called    
promised land    
beyond    
this much lower    
vibrational planes    
temporal    
illusory dimension    
we are all    
still presently      
living in      
of continuous    
life lessons    
of and through    
countless    
joys and sufferings    
where ultimately      
we each    
and all    
create      
in our lives    
in this      
wondrously      
experiential world    
through our thoughts    
intentions    
our emotions    
choices    
and deeds    
via our own    
free wills    
either a living    
heaven    
or hell    
or both    
should ones
true nature
so choose to 
swing it that    
way    
wherein even here    
now    
many at present    
are already      
awake    
or slowly  yet    
gradually    
awakening still    
though      
so many more    
are so obviously    
still fast      
and blindly    
asleep    
but fear not    
the increasing madness    
of this      
chronically    
maddening world    
for all is    
as it    
should be    
at this pinnacle    
point in mans    
time    
and soon      
enough now    
we each    
and all may    
finally come to    
see and know    
the ineffable      
truth    
which no man    
in this      
world    
can truly know      
until his time      
has come    
or until    
through grace    
of divine source    
it has been      
given    
him to know    
even before then    
so he can    
somehow better    
both himself    
and this world    
we and all      
things      
live in    
here in    
this    
or any    
other    
so called    
promised    
land