Nightmare

It was one of those dark nights
That changed me, but rather than a fragment
It altered my whole sense of being  
Confusion, puzzlement
As I hit replay on the memory once more,
 
I had planned to go out with only my friends
The two people I nearly trusted with my life  
But then he decided to come along  
The boy I thought I loved,  
Who everyone warned about,
The cheater, the liar, the troublemaker  
 
I argued,
Told them it would go badly,  
And they brushed me off
 
So at Ice Cream Hill  
We met at midnight  
Drinking, chugging, shouting, laughing
Wandering through the small town's empty streets  
 
Then the night ended, and he decided to walk me  
Home  
He climbed in through my window  
Drunk as me, gazing intensely
As I handed him a cigarette, lighting my own
 
Then his hand fisted in my hair
And he dragged me underneath him as the world  
Spun, twisted, nausea forming in my stomach
Slurred words leaving my lips,
"Wait,"
 
Hand in my jeans, under my shirt,  
His lips crushing mine  
Undressing me, alarms going off in my ears, ringing  
My father slept in the room next to mine, and fear  
Of being too loud  
Stitched my words to silence  
 
Panic, fear, trying to fight his touch off  
As he pinned me down, putting his palm  
Over my mouth and giving me no choice  
As he opened my legs,  
Placed his elbows above my shoulders  
And moved  
 
I recall the tears, the pain, the agony  
Nothing I had ever experienced could mimic
That night in June, as others slept
And the crickets chirped  
And blood stained the sheets underneath me
 
Eventually, my cries of pain were heard, and the boy hid
As my father opened the door
And as tears trekked down my face  
I whispered to him I had a nightmare  
Too afraid to get in trouble, to feel his fists  
Yet afraid to close the door  
 
But eventually, my both hero and fear
Went back to bed  
And so did I
 
Changing in gym, everyone gasping and staring  
At the horrific bruises touching nearly every  
Centimeter  
Of my body  
The whispers at school,  
The loss of friends due to their thinking I lied,  
My father telling me I acted differently
And everything around me  
Seeming to shatter, everything I had built  
Since I fell to the bottom
Everyone telling me,
"He was drunk too so it didn't count,"
"Are you sure?"
"If you didn't say no, it wasn't rape."
"Are you sure?  
"That's just boys."
"Are you sure?"
 
Are you sure?
Are you sure?
Are you sure?
 
I never was,
And perhaps I never will be,
For memories fragment
And our perspectives and emotions
Twist them
But whenever I try to accept it
Something tugs at my heart
And I know deep down,
Even if I don't remember perfectly,
His fingerprints bruised my memory
Just as they did my thighs