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Life is too short for head fuckery... and heartbreak !

   
The silence... is deafening.    
   
It echos in the chasm in which he once occupied.    
   
I still can't determine whether he's there, or just gone, fishing.    
   
He says “don’t be silly, I wanna see you” but his behaviour tells me otherwise.    
   
Grief is hard to explain when you've lost someone that you love, or even, see yourself loving but have to implement strategies for the sole purpose of self preservation.    
   
Even though, they're still drawing breath, it's just not the same breath that was once shared.    
   
Though, if he were to speak, he wouldn't be able to cope with having to clarify the underlying.    
   
He’ll nestle into another and lead her on whilst seeking the pleasures of flesh to make him forget that I never existed.    
   
It’ll be his final act of denial as if he never wanted to plant himself in the depths of me, ever.    
   
He’ll lie to himself, and her too.    
   
Much lies between us, yet the vacancy between us at present is enough to make you feel the burden & weight of apathy.    
   
I struggle conceptually to grasp people, yet I'm fully congnisant of human behavior.    
   
I suppose, it was his ongoing inconsistencies that gripped me internally, to the point where it became hard to breathe as the pain in my heart became more apparent.    
   
Loyalty and trust are foundational for many of us, and it's the end all and be all when it comes to my affirmations, affiliations, or affections.    
   
Without those elements, I don't see the point in channeling ones energy into a vacant space that isn't able to reciprocate.    
   
Reciprocity, means everything.    
   
However, I spend much time in observation to ascertain those things as it's better to make informed decisions, as opposed to going through the motions, and reciting to yourself "I told you so !" afterwards.    
   
I don't know about others, but I despise those words. Just as much as I despise hindsight.    
   
I'm tenacious when it comes to healing the fragments that exist because I wasn't born to be anything other than who I am, and I wouldn't expect anything less of another.    
   
Some things don't bother me, and I couldn't care less. However, when it comes to people and my state of being, particularly my emotional well being, it's imperative to understand thy self, intimately.    
   
My emotions are usually magnified, and everything matters.    
   
Though, the greatest things that matter the most, are the little things, and presence.    
   
I don't see the validity once those ingredients have decided to go road tripping, without an itinerary or a return date.    
   
He left me fermenting in his silence.  
   
My vision is clouded as I reside on the fringes and linger between the might be's and have been's, whilst trying to temper being fully immersed in the centre stage of my life.    
   
Truth and trust has always been elusive in my life, or they've both been busy having a wild love affair with lies and deceit.    
   
I can never tell, at the time. I just feel the shattering within, when it unfolds as such.    
   
Sometimes, I can't even distinguish their whereabouts, at all.    
   
Though, I understand they're on the periphery of my vision, whilst my heart is being slivered, subtly.    
   
When I love, I love so deeply, that I'm usually fragmented at the realisation of any hint of betrayal.    
   
The kind you aren't ever expecting, this hinting is often denied in turning a blind eye, until it hits me like a freight train.    
   
I must learn to remove my heart from my sleeve, and shove it deep down in my back pocket, until I can learn to love again.    
   
It does nothing but torment me, especially when I think about all the truths I discovered, which conflicted with what I felt.    
   
Sometimes, what we know to be truth in our heart, conflicts with the actualities. Juxtaposed between truth and lies, and who knows who lies.    
   
His heart. Hers. Mine. Hmm.    
   
Just because she felt it, doesn't make it truth.  
 
For truth to unravel, it has to be a mutual flow, to enable it to be kindled further.    
   
But, that's for another day, or time.    
   
It's late. I'm tired. Tired of being cast upon his sea of nothingness, drifting without an anchoring to his heart as his cock informs his decisions.    
   
So. We say nothing, and pretend as if our hearts weren't aligned, as if it didn't matter, as if we never really loved one another, as we declared.    
   
We pretend, until there's tears streaming down ones face. And, those tears could not possibly be indicative of what lies beneath the surface, upon his shores, which he wasn't too sure about.    
   
To the point where I lose my words whilst mourning during the wake of all that he massacred, within me.    
   
God forbid he ever hear those words from my mouth, even though, you're a cunning stunt who left me with the last laugh.    
   
I say nothing because it wraps you in bubble wrap, and keeps you safe from harm.    
   
It's in the nothingness that we'll lose the love we made, without laying a finger upon one another's flesh.    
   
And, that's what happens when curiosity kills the cat.    
   
Gosh. I never quite understood those who pursue others, who are already spoken for.
 
Again, that’s for another day.
Written by shadow_starzzz
Published
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