float yourself

my heart is a ticking time grenade  
you pulled the pin  
 
my mind is land mind  
small, but there are warnings everywhere for it  
you stepped on me  
 
But yet somehow it reverberated and exploded inside of my mind instead of blowing up on you  
 
The walls of my head let this echo for days  
my heart is still ticking  
rickity tickity tock  
 
when we went came into this relationship two years ago  
I think only one of us dived head in first  
the other just lazily fell  
 
 
not to say either one is worse  
 
But one of us was more ready than the other  
 
I think that's always the case with all of my past lovers  
I was more ready than you were  
I was already more committed to us on the very first day  
 
but I was also toxic  
And it's hard to explain my toxic  
I'm like warm tea with a sugar cube but also a dash of poison  
 
like a rose but with too many thorns  
I'm like coffee with a Beatle at the bottle of the cup  
its always surprising  
i even surprise myself when it happens  
because its never slow  
 
 
it's always always a sudden death punch  
like when you're really high and you're not really paying attention  
 
so you drop something?  
that's kind of how it is  
I float around the world with shaky fingers  
I am flaky  
to say the least  
But its not really me  
more so my anxiety  
 
she says stay in bed and I listen like a loyal dog  
no matter how many friends I cancel on  
I stay loyal to my anxiety  
i am an untrained dog  
the only thing I know is stay  
and so I stay in this relationship with the hope of new colors  
 
with old eyes trying to see the new  
I stay because I cannot let go of you  
I stay because you have trained me to listen so I do that very well  
i am tied to the ground with you  
i am rooted firmly in your life  
until you figure you don't like looking at me anymore  
 
 and then cut me down  
and I go back to floating around  
continuing to cancel on people  
But now I have a real reason  
if you call depression a reason  
with my anxiety and my depression telling me to stay in bed  
 
I can't do anything but that.  
so I'll float in my room  
with shaky fingers  
And a trembling lip  
with eyes that betray me  
 
fill up the room with tears  
until I drown.