Dating, is bullshit ! Fucking, is better...

 
 
"You and I, were never meant to be lovers, let alone friends."
 
That's all I kept thinking as he sat across from me while I watched the stillness of the water upon the lake through the window, turning to meet his direct eye contact only when he paused in conversation, seeking my acknowledgement.
 
My mind absconded from the dialogue once he started to elaborate upon his deviation.
 
He was a liar. I knew it. He knew it, and so too did the whore who he was planning on leaving, for me.  
 
Blah ! How fucking scandalous would that have been, knowing that I was oblivious to the fact he was already engaged to her.
 
I was sick & tired of being sick & tired, and I didn't have time to take into consideration his ongoing subtle head fuckery.
 
Usually, all it takes is  6 - 12 weeks to determine whether or not I'll continue seeing a man.  
 
By week 2, I knew he wasn't the one for me but we made it to week 6.
 
He was funny, sexually compatible and extremely playful but there were mannerisms that rubbed me the wrong way.
 
He drank, he smoked, and he wanted children, eventually. 
 
No way am I open to birthing another child with someone of that calibre. I already learnt my lesson from that perspective, and ended up alone raising my children.  
 
From experience, sharing parenting responsibilities with a man of such calibre is a fucking nightmare.  
 
The hangovers, the constant mood swings, and kissing the smell of a dirty ash tray each morning isn't my vision of marital bliss.
 
His excessive drinking and smoking, was strike one and two, all wrapped up in one. Then, when truth of her emerged, that was the final straw.
 
And then, he dropped the axe upon me in that his vision for a wife was for her to stay at home, and take care of things in the home, without ever having to work.
 
Um. What. The. Fuck.
 
All those bits & pieces of truth made me disconnect, altogether. I'm not made of homemaker fibres to cook, clean and indulge in wine during business hours, or worst, be the couch potato watching the bold and the fucking beautiful or days of our lives each and every day !
 
I'm a worker bee, and I need to contribute to society for my own sense of purpose, in life. 
 
I tried being a stay at home mother, and I ended up in a deep depressive state of being. Sure, I can cook, clean and run a household, but those things do not provide me with a sense of achievement, alone.
 
I don't go to work purely for the money. I need the mental stimulation associated with working with people, towards achieving a common goal.
 
Job satisfaction, is critical for me as I didn't spend all those years studying and working, just to trade it in on someone else's pipedream.
 
Plus, I like the freedom associated with my financial independence.
 
Life is much easier balanced when both people work, and contribute to their shared acquired assets.  
 
There's much fun to be had whilst on leave from the workplace, and during the hours we steal between rest and play but I still need that kind of routine to keep me well balanced; emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.
 
It's awkward seeking a companion as I have a set of criteria, like a mental checklist, in which I recall during each encounter I spend time with someone. 
 
However, I've now come to realise that the reason why several men have failed to emerge any further in my life is because they never ever live up to the man in which I mused upon for years on end as I measured the depth of their hearts, against his.
 
He, who dwells in my thoughts from dusk to dawn. 
 
The others were just too shallow.
 
Sadly, none of them were ever given a real chance, and I have to live with that guilt. 
 
I have to keep telling myself that it’s OK to engage in non - commital, no strings consensual sex.  
 
Evidently, I like to try before I buy as I can’t think of anything worst than being with someone, just for the sake of being with someone, for the rest of my life.
 
That’s definitely, not love... and the sex is always better, when people love each other. However, until then !