Never, Ever, Be Complacent
This is for those who are in the addiction struggle, one way or another.
I feel your pain, because I still sometimes feel mine....
There is something merciless and a little wicked in the way my disease, the devil in me, leaves his trail of breadcrumbs.
How I still, sometimes, want to follow the cinematic songs it sings, into the cold, black, heart of darkness.
How I even want to wander into the anthem of the lonely, where zombies walk on water and bleeding out seems the sweeter place I want to call my domain.
My disease Kongís to take me deeper into the erupting volcano of feeling nothing and leave me inseparable from my delusional hotel ceiling of pain killers and the merciless internal forest fires ignited, just to watch them burn.
It wants me to try to find solace in drowning underwater, while remaining the master of my own, disgusting disguises.
It speaks in tongues the call of the wild, that is stitched together without music.
Itís divided dynasty begs me to come skydiving back together.
It is as as capable of turning me into stone as it is to leave me screaming, in a scarlet red riot of letís hurt tonight.
It promises me that it will kill my pain and provide my heart shelter, yet when I cant breathe, it laughs as it administers 50 lashes, making my life its beautiful mess.
But even though it courts me with queens, I know it only offers me a vagabond life.
I became way to good at saying goodbyes and I refuse, for today, to give in to its plot.
That if, I am going to be truthful with myself and come clean with my soul, then I must never give in to doing anything it offers, just to feel alive.
I know that in the end, only one of us gets out of this alive but if I let my beating heart, be the place I find shelter, then nothing traumatic that my wicked, devilish, deceitful disease may offer, can ever prevent me from refusing itís call and beginning my day again.
It has been a very long time since I felt the pull and heard my disease whisper in my ear to go use.
It Just goes to show any and all of us that have struggled with or are currently struggling with addiction, our disease never quits so we cannot either.
It knows when that is when we are most vulnerable, is when it should strike.
So stay strong, stay hopeful, and today....
Stay vigilant and never, ever,