Pieces

In a psychological tailspin --  Came to me half opened yet half closed.
Needing to be loved,
                                        Yet wanting to be hated.
A sadist and a masochist depending on the flip of the coin.
You are very much insane but not without good reason,
A vicious cycle of self-criticism, self-consciousness, and panic.
     Why is it I am worried you will leave?
       Why is it I am always self aware?
         Why is it that I am so used to this dynamic
                                      and then the panic comes ..
I am anxious in every way, that my love will not comfort your heart.
You can't even begin to solve your own paradox, while now mine grows thicker.
You need space to breathe but I need hands to hold before I slice mine to pieces
                                     and then the truth comes out..
I am used to feeling neglect,
the distinct stare of disgust,
grand illusions, and familiarity in anxious thoughts..
The masochist lives in me and beats against a cold black heart.
I know these words will haunt me, I know this life will soon bleed to a stop.
I know these words aren’t true but now that I’ve said them they are ringing on.
                                         I will never succeed..
                                                 I will never please..
                                                       I will never amount to anything..
A fear that will never leave me.
I feel helpless to this inner tantrum on my emotional drum..
   A hysterical approach to love.
      An esoteric conversation that never needs to be out-loud.
         A thought I’ve had but try not to keep.
            A betrayed bitterness I cannot shake.
               A rage no meditation could mediate.
                   Looking for answers? Suck it
I am done looking for everything. I have found that I NEED hardly anything at all..