2 months ago..

All I got was a reply of silence
They see the missed calls and ignore my texts
But I'm fine I'm pretty damn fine
Don't mind me I'm just singing my regrets
Shit man. Did you really think I was in line
I mean look at me. Wait you can't because you're silent. Because you're fine
Im sitting in my apartment. Feeling lost at "home"
You cant hear me cuz your silent and here i sit I'm fucking crying.
I try to go for a walk. But truth is. I'm still alone.
It's about 3 or 5 pm. I say fuck it. I tear a razor for  
A blade. Craving for drops of blood a sweet  relief
But shit I cut too deep. Red is flowing from my wrist. I'm finally convinced I'm not fine and that I've found my time. I put a tissue to it and as it oozed I could see a little blue vein.. I rolled down my sleave and finally fuck it. Didn't care to lock up the place. And didn't care if I ended up bleeding to my death. I start to walk to a friends house. I'm Tryna look like I'm fine. Ask if I could use the bathroom. She said sure. I look at my wrist and realise that it clotted once again I'm fine. I eventually told her thank you and then left. Walked back to my place. Started again shit why? why is my heart running a race. Maybe it's because it knows that I lost her. And she's been gone for over a week. I make it back to my place. Shit I'm growing weak. Still no texts back and no one dares to fucking call. So there I sit and bawl. Cleaning up the drops of blood.. I go for yet as bother
 walk. And I'm walking back to my friends. It's pretty damn late. I had the blades in my pocket. Ready for if another cop came. I could slit myself to my fate. She texted me. And she knew I was no longer even trying. A block from her house. I see her rushing to her car. Didn't think much of it. And walked up the other street. Towards the er. Shit... I'm spilling tears and saliva... remembering my suicide. I walk down the hill towards her place. And I don't see her car. So I walk a few blocks past. And emt shows up... they said I matched a report... I didn't want to die. So I told them but they waited for the cop... shit fuck that cop. He fucking lied to me. Said he wouldn't court commit me if I cooperated well. Why the hell am I crying in the er for an hour? Maybe it's because I'm on 48 hour hold. Why the fuck would you lie??? That was so fucking cold... I cried myself to sleep... in that bed cold... that was my last time of self harm. 2 months ago...