My Two Baby Boys

(for Joshua and J'don with so much love)

You gave me a gift today.
I've never seen two more adorable
Boys than you.

I feel like you liked me today.
You gave me the gift
Of mommy today.
I felt like mommy again.
I felt a little needed.
A little necessary.

We talked of video games
And Call of Duty
And cartoons and YouTube
And you two showed off
Your awesome gymnastics,

And I remembered how I once
Took gymnastics as a child,
And how much fun it was.

And I caught myself watching
If your parents fight around you
Like sometimes I know they do.

I'm still the same,
I get very sensitive and protective
Around children, how sensitive
And impressionable they are.

I get a little crazy protective
Around children for some reason.

I noticed how I let slip in front of
Them I'm always a few doors away.
I noticed...
I needed you both to hear that
For some reason.

Even if I'm not sure exactly why yet.

I know... I just had a memory.
I'm pretty sure my stepfather
Threw a tin pail at my mom once.

I don't remember if it hit her or not.

I think I remember her crying in my
Arms a lot. I know I've told
That story a lot. I know I think...
I think I remember...
Always feeling like...

I have to take care of my mommy.

She was always so hurt.
I think.

But... I am going to give you two
A special gift that means a lot
To me. It's a gilded journal...

It has a picture on the cover
Of "The Kiss" by Klimt,
Something you might grow to
Appreciate someday.

I've noticed...
I never can seem to write
In journals anymore
Though I try...

I always felt like I would
Somehow taint the insides.

Or maybe it has something to do
With how I've been feeling lately...

Only two words seem to come
To mind.

Blank slate.

My best friend gave it to me.
That beautiful book.
He'd written in it...

Toni I love you.
Fill these pages with all
That is you.

I know I've told that other story
For many years even though
I don't remember now if it's
True or not...

How I kept writing these filthy notes
Of rage to my stepfather
And putting them in a little
Cedar box.

Why can't I remember now?
Did that little box really exist?

I think I remember things like...

Die mother fucker.
I hate you,
I hope you die
You stupid mother fucker.

Would God forgive me for that now.

It's important to me for some
Reason that you and your brother
Have something you can write in.
To tell your stories, your secrets,

Your dreams and wishes
And deepest hopes.

And as soon as I go back home
I'm bringing you, J'don,
My daughter's Call of Duty poster
That still hangs on our wall.

And today you both were my gift.

And I love you both so much.

Thank you.
Written by toniscales (Lost Girl)
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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