Heaven and Salvation

You hold me in your arms
And talk of Jesus.
Of heaven and eternal paradise.
That you know what I want
But it's not what I need.

I've lost everything and everyone
I ever loved.

I'm 43. I don't know what happened
To me as a child. I don't remember
My childhood really anymore.

I know I can't seem to change
The way I am. I always got
Through everything difficult
For one thing alone:
Men.

I always did it for daddy.
I hope I find my daddy someday.
I'm starting to give up hope
Like other women my age.

I worked in funeral service
For so long. I thought I was
One person who could deal

With death. I feel like I was
A horrible daughter to my mom.
And I keep remembering how

They kept shocking her over
And over... Her body lifting
From the bed. But there was
No light left in it,
And no light would ever

Grow within it again.
She feared death so much.
My mom used to say death
Was the great equalizer,

The last bastion of nature's
Cruel indifference.
I... I never wanted to be

A common person. I ached
To create beauty. To be
Remembered as someone who

Infused their life with beauty.
And maybe it has so much to do

With whatever happened to me
As a child, which I can't remember,
But which I ache to remember

Someday. I feel like only then
Will I truly heal.

But... I always craved men.
I always had a high sex drive.
Maybe I might have been
A wonderful person had certain things
Never happened...

But... It seems...
I am who I am.

And you hold me
In your arms, you smell so good,
I touch the hair on your hands
In joy and soft contented delight.

And you're not mine...
And you're not my daddy I guess.

You speak of heaven and salvation.
And that I don't have the ability
To love because I haven't
Fully accepted Jesus.

Even though...
Like I told you...
I talk to God all the time now.
I hope He loves me like you
Claim He does.

But...
Ever since I was a little girl...
Heaven I knew would be found
In his arms, whomever he may be,
looking up at his
Beautiful face like I do yours now.

And with everything in me
I ache to kiss you,
To place my hands
On your face lovingly,
To run my fingertips down
The wonderful texture of
Your stubble which fills me
With girlish glee...

To feel you
Inside me... That was always
My own particular heaven,
The sweetest paradise imaginable.

And you get in your car
And drive away. I'm left
Lonely and bereft.
Feeling empty in that
Oh so familiar way.

I hope... I'm worthy enough
To find my daddy someday.
Despite the fact I ended up
A naughty girl, but a deeply

Loving and caring naughty girl.

Maybe, before I die,
I'll find him.
Just maybe.

Maybe...

There is such a thing
As heaven and salvation.