I do want to do better

I'm stressed
It's hard for me to express what I feel deep beneath my chest
But I'm doing my best
Nonetheless
Damn...
What a mess...
I'm wanna do better I do.
They say change starts right inside of you
I don't know how to make that move
What am I here for?
I mean tell me...
What do I got to prove.
We all die in the end
Sometimes fast.
Sometimes very slowly
I crave for a cutie to hold me.
And never scold me.
The truth is, inside I just feel so lonely.
I feel like I don't even know me.
Na man you cant control me.
I grew up without my father
For he was behind bars
They say when you're young
Certain situations can follow you
And leave you very scarred
How did this all happen?
Where do I start?
They locked my dad away and I was just a little boy.
Still was in my room
Playing with a couple toys.
Those times I did enjoy.
But as the years went by
It starting catching up to me
Which left me mentally destroyed.
I tried to avoid,
The pain,
The hurt.
As time went by I just got worse.
Met some friends in school and they were cool.
Help me get away with just one tool.
One method.
Drugs.
Oh that's when I meet love.
Oh that's when I'm free from pain.
That's when I feel so sane.
That's..
That's just me manipulating my brain...
Because at the end of the day nothing has changed.
I'm still the same.
And I feel so ashamed.
For treating my own mother the way I have.
I don't know if there's a god but I pray I can grab.
Some sort of faith.
Because I tell myself I need something.
Everyday.
I tell myself I feel nothing.
My skies are gray.
But I feel nothing because it's locked inside somewhere.
I have channeled that part of my brain that allows me not to care.
To feel detached.
Sometimes I wish I can go back...
But I can’t.
Nah I cant.
But believe.
I do wanna be a better man. I do wanna be a better man.