[ SK ] Carried Away

Da'yum! That 6th stanza! What a pivot. I'm going to have to digest this one a bit more before critiquing. It was like an unexpected gut punch. 👊

Oh, and the double-entendre of the title is fabulous!

Very few poems have that effect on me.  

Great job.

Thank you.[excitedlybouncingbunnyicon]    

I look forward to critique, as this one is real rough.

Okay, finally!

Carried Away

[ I've previously commented on the brilliant doubt-entendre of the title . . . I still can't get over it! ]

"It was supposed to be a prank
a funny way to say, Thank
you for being such a good sport"

[ This verse sets the tone, an almost excuse-like shirk of responsibility so indicative of bullies. Prank / Thank
is an amazing line up of rhyme, and even " good sport" aligns with half rhyme.

The assonance of the a and u shines through this stanza.

If I had any critique, it would be to italicize Thank you. ]

"I myself was shocked when
electrocuted, the principal
as well as the entire
King and Queen's Court
went up in flames"

[ Here's where you set the narration by ( I first assumed ) Chris Hargensen; however, Chris wasn't electrocuted. So that displaced me and made me think of the many adaptations and whose perspective this could be from: a prom attendee from the final remake, or a townsperson from the original outside of the church she was praying in.

I finally decided I liked the mystery. Its a true King trademark.

The play on words between shocked / electrocted is great ( and clever ). The consonance of 's' throughout this stanza is ironic in that it hisses. . .as electrocution. Not sure if that was intentional or not.]

"So, yeah
I guess we got a little
carried away"

[ Brilliant as the title! Absolutely! ]

"No sense in naming names
and pointing fingers
because most everyone involved
or caught in the crossfire is
dead"

The alliteration of 'n' in that first line is fantastic! The way it's carried ( no pun intended ) as consonance throughout the stanza is excellent. The alliterative play between caught and crossfire is awesome, and I feel would be better served if you changed 'is dead' to 'was killed'.

I realize that 'is' picks up both the alliteration of 'involved / in' and assonance throughout the stanza. . .not to mention 'dead' leading with half rhyme into 'blame' in the next stanza; however, I feel in this case the alliteration of killed with caught and crossfire would make up for that in spades. Not to mention Carrie & casualties in the next stanza.]

"while no one blames
that bitch Carrie White
for casualties on Prom Night
relived as the Snell girl's nightmare
lingers"

Again, this causes one to ponder the perspective  . . . from the many adaptations, including the discovery of Carrie's half-sister by Snell when she was a school counselor. The fact that this perspective ties every adaptation and remake in with the original is as mysterious as it is brilliant.

This stanza possesses a lot of lyrical beauty to it. The assonance of the 'a' and 'i' plays off one another perfectly. Much of your rythm isn't created with rhyme and meter, but lyrical phonics pinging off each other.

There seems something off about that final line; however, I'm uncertain what. I'll have to think on that one.]

"instead
she still plays the victim well
despite eternal burning in Hell
buried in her own stone crypt

Do you understand
how twisted and fucked up this is?"

[This stanza and couplet reveal the mindset of the narrator perfectly as a bully ( or even critic ) themselves, in their inability to perceive Carrie as a victim. ( I'll have more to say about that at the end of this critique ).

I enjoyed how the former stanzas assonance of i opens this one perfectly, and carries through it like a bell tone off the tongue.

The burning in Hell and crypt reference remind me of what was painted on her grave. . ."stone crypt / how twisted and fucked up this is" is an excellent play on words and half rhyme you're infamous for.]

"Makes you wonder
about the warped mind
behind writing this script"

The irony of ending is so indicative of King's style thought. And to think he threw this in the trash. Thank God for wives.

The alliteration of 'w' is a dream in this. 😊

I question whether 'script' is needed vs an ellipses. . .while I realize it picks up crypt. . .'this' does as well.

Further thouguts from a bullies perspective,

[ Carrie’s reaction against those who've bullied her ( and unfortunate prom goers ) shouldn't be considered revenge. But, an inevitable action/reaction: push a person too long and too far, and they will strike back in whatever means they can.

Which brings me to your perspective ( a critique excerpt I read :

" Peirce’s Carrie offers an unsettling critique of simplistic, sexist reactions that can dominate public and private responses to bullying. What’s more, it grimly asserts that fairy tale transformations – of individuals, institutions, and culture – can be brought to a screeching halt by the figurative bucket of pig’s blood from above. One could argue that this represents a rather cynical puncturing of the progressive, long-arc-of-history view of society. However, in an age when a transgendered sixteen-year-old can be crowned prom queen, only to be merciless derided and threatened by thousands of adults via social media, Carrie’s skepticism seems closer to the mark than not."

And that's the narrator in a nutshell.

Brilliant.  ]

Okay, finally!  
 
Carried Away  
 
[ I've previously commented on the brilliant doubt-entendre of the title . . . I still can't get over it! ]  
 
"It was supposed to be a prank  
a funny way to say, Thank  
you for being such a good sport"  
 
[ This verse sets the tone, an almost excuse-like shirk of responsibility so indicative of bullies. Prank / Thank  
is an amazing line up of rhyme, and even " good sport" aligns with half rhyme.  
 
The assonance of the a and u shines through this stanza.  
 
If I had any critique, it would be to italicize Thank you. ]  
 
==============================================  
 
That's exactly how I wanted to set up the poem - narrated from the perspective of an unknown participant involved in dumping pig's blood on Carrie; a bully loosely related to the prank who may have ended being discovered in the police investigation. And this is perhaps his so-called confession.  
 
I have that entire line italicized already. Are you suggesting I should limit the italics to just the "Thank you" portion?  
 
We seem to be off to a great start in the rhyme / momentum department!  
 
==============================================  
 
"I myself was shocked when  
electrocuted, the principal  
as well as the entire  
King and Queen's Court  
went up in flames"  
 
[ Here's where you set the narration by ( I first assumed ) Chris Hargensen; however, Chris wasn't electrocuted. So that displaced me and made me think of the many adaptations and whose perspective this could be from: a prom attendee from the final remake, or a townsperson from the original outside of the church she was praying in.  
 
I finally decided I liked the mystery. Its a true King trademark.  
 
The play on words between shocked / electrocted is great ( and clever ). The consonance of 's' throughout this stanza is ironic in that it hisses. . .as electrocution. Not sure if that was intentional or not.]  
 
======================================  
 
The hissing of the consonance was not intended. You do bring up a fascinating use of consonance I had never considered before!  
 
And that you like the narrator being a mystery character is good, because I don't know who he or she is either - thus the poem is working to both writer's and reader's advantage! .  
 
======================================  
 
"So, yeah  
I guess we got a little  
carried away"  
 
[ Brilliant as the title! Absolutely! ]  
 
"No sense in naming names  
and pointing fingers  
because most everyone involved  
or caught in the crossfire is  
dead"  
 
The alliteration of 'n' in that first line is fantastic! The way it's carried ( no pun intended ) as consonance throughout the stanza is excellent. The alliterative play between caught and crossfire is awesome, and I feel would be better served if you changed 'is dead' to 'was killed'.  
 
I realize that 'is' picks up both the alliteration of 'involved / in' and assonance throughout the stanza. . .not to mention 'dead' leading with half rhyme into 'blame' in the next stanza; however, I feel in this case the alliteration of killed with caught and crossfire would make up for that in spades. Not to mention Carrie & casualties in the next stanza.]  
 
========================================  
 
"killed" works just fine for me.  
 
I originally chose "dead" so that it would rhyme with "instead" later on. But that just means my rhyme scheme has fallen into disarray. It isn't working as I hoped or otherwise you would have picked up on it. It's too subtle.  
 
========================================  
 
"while no one blames  
that bitch Carrie White  
for casualties on Prom Night  
relived as the Snell girl's nightmare  
lingers"  
 
Again, this causes one to ponder the perspective  . . . from the many adaptations, including the discovery of Carrie's half-sister by Snell when she was a school counselor. The fact that this perspective ties every adaptation and remake in with the original is as mysterious as it is brilliant.  
 
This stanza possesses a lot of lyrical beauty to it. The assonance of the 'a' and 'i' plays off one another perfectly. Much of your rythm isn't created with rhyme and meter, but lyrical phonics pinging off each other.  
 
There seems something off about that final line; however, I'm uncertain what. I'll have to think on that one.]  
 
=======================================  
 
Again, my rhyme scheme appears to not be working. Lingers was to bounce off of fingers earlier, but its not.  
 
Which might also be caused by the rhyming of White / Night / night-mare . "night" is being repeated twice, while "mare" is perhaps resulting in enjambment.  
 
But I'm glad to hear about the pinging phonics.  
 
And that you felt it reach beyond Carrie into Carrie 2: The Rage,. which was a pretty decent sequel when most sequels usually suck.  
 
=======================================  
 
"instead  
she still plays the victim well  
despite eternal burning in Hell  
buried in her own stone crypt  
 
Do you understand  
how twisted and fucked up this is?"  
 
[This stanza and couplet reveal the mindset of the narrator perfectly as a bully ( or even critic ) themselves, in their inability to perceive Carrie as a victim. ( I'll have more to say about that at the end of this critique ).  
 
I enjoyed how the former stanzas assonance of i opens this one perfectly, and carries through it like a bell tone off the tongue.  
 
The burning in Hell and crypt reference remind me of what was painted on her grave. . ."stone crypt / how twisted and fucked up this is" is an excellent play on words and half rhyme you're infamous for.]  
 
======================================  
 
Goody! about the Burning in Hell remark.  
 
Fun Facts:  
 
For those who aren't familiar with the story, the "stone crypt" references the mystery stones falling from the sky onto Carrie's house. These scenes ended up on the cutting room floor of the original Carrie movie because the special effects weren't working. They did appear in the 2nd made-for-television version mostly through the aid of CGI.  
 
======================================  
 
"Makes you wonder  
about the warped mind  
behind writing this script"  
 
The irony of ending is so indicative of King's style thought. And to think he threw this in the trash. Thank God for wives.  
 
The alliteration of 'w' is a dream in this. 😊  
 
I question whether 'script' is needed vs an ellipses. . .while I realize it picks up crypt. . .'this' does as well.  
 
========================================  
 
This pretty much is the nail in coffin of my initial attempt to incorporate rhyme into this poem. We started off with a bang - ended with a whimper.  
 
Wow. The "w" alliteration was purely unconscious;  
 
Carrie was definitely an odd duck of a book. I find it surprising that it was published and made into a movie despite its voyeuristic glimpses into a high school girls' locker room. The writer in Tabitha definitely saw potential in it to overcome the taboo.  
 
I'm thinking we should leave "crypt" in due to the fact that the prior stanza already ends with "this is". Without, it creates somewhat of a redundancy.  
 
=======================================  
 
Further thouguts from a bullies perspective,  
 
[ Carrie’s reaction against those who've bullied her ( and unfortunate prom goers ) shouldn't be considered revenge. But, an inevitable action/reaction: push a person too long and too far, and they will strike back in whatever means they can.  
 
Which brings me to your perspective ( a critique excerpt I read :  
 
" Peirce’s Carrie offers an unsettling critique of simplistic, sexist reactions that can dominate public and private responses to bullying. What’s more, it grimly asserts that fairy tale transformations – of individuals, institutions, and culture – can be brought to a screeching halt by the figurative bucket of pig’s blood from above. One could argue that this represents a rather cynical puncturing of the progressive, long-arc-of-history view of society. However, in an age when a transgendered sixteen-year-old can be crowned prom queen, only to be merciless derided and threatened by thousands of adults via social media, Carrie’s skepticism seems closer to the mark than not."  
 
And that's the narrator in a nutshell.  
 
Brilliant.  
 
======================================  
 
Haters gonna hate. That's what bullies do. But without their seriously flawed characters and warped perspectives, there would be no amazing literature the likes of Carrie.  
 
I'm going to work on a rewrite soon that fixes the poorly engineered rhyme scheme. I did not construct this poem with any form of musicality in mind. Perhaps that is the problem.    

Amazing in-depth critique as usual my Darling.

XOXOXOXOXO

" That's exactly how I wanted to set up the poem - narrated from the perspective of an unknown participant involved in dumping pig's blood on Carrie; a bully loosely related to the prank who may have ended being discovered in the police investigation. And this is perhaps his so-called confession.  
  
I have that entire line italicized already. Are you suggesting I should limit the italics to just the "Thank you" portion?  
  
We seem to be off to a great start in the rhyme / momentum department! "
 .....

Okay. . .you must've been editing when I was critiquing because I swear that line wasnt italicized when I was critiquing it!  

And I meant the whole line. 😊

==============================================
  
" The hissing of the consonance was not intended. You do bring up a fascinating use of consonance I had never considered before!  
  
And that you like the narrator being a mystery character is good, because I don't know who he or she is either - thus the poem is working to both writer's and reader's advantage! "

.....

We women are fully acclimated in snakedom and the sounds thereof. . .having bitten the Apple and all. . .[nonsense]

Wow at the anonymity of the narrator. You definitely got your point across. 😎

 ======================================  

"killed" works just fine for me.  
  
I originally chose "dead" so that it would rhyme with "instead" later on. But that just means my rhyme scheme has fallen into disarray. It isn't working as I hoped or otherwise you would have picked up on it. It's too subtle.  

.....

Uh. . .yeah, that one got right past me. And believe me, I looked too. Scoured is more like it. . . as in, " I know it's there somewhere, dag nabbit." You can't alter a word of yours without it being a dominoe effect. . .

======================================  

" Again, my rhyme scheme appears to not be working. Lingers was to bounce off of fingers earlier, but its not.  
  
" Which might also be caused by the rhyming of White / Night / night-mare . "night" is being repeated twice, while "mare" is perhaps resulting in enjambment.  
  
" But I'm glad to hear about the pinging phonics.    
  
" And that you felt it reach beyond Carrie into Carrie 2: The Rage,. which was a pretty decent sequel when most sequels usually suck. "

.....

I agree about the rhyme scheme. That's another that got totally past me despite scouring.  The phonics totally dominated this piece, and frankly I liked it.  
  
I honestly did feel like it encapsulated the entire process of adaptations and sequels.  

=======================================  
 Goody! about the Burning in Hell remark.  
  
Fun Facts:  
  
For those who aren't familiar with the story, the "stone crypt" references the mystery stones falling from the sky onto Carrie's house. These scenes ended up on the cutting room floor of the original Carrie movie because the special effects weren't working. They did appear in the 2nd made-for-television version mostly through the aid of CGI.  

.....

Fun facts are fun! Especially when the special affects failed ginormously in the original ( imo ). I hadn't made the correlation between that. . . I was too busy visualising the spray paint on the headstone.  
  
======================================  
This pretty much is the nail in coffin of my initial attempt to incorporate rhyme into this poem. We started off with a bang - ended with a whimper.  
  
Wow. The "w" alliteration was purely unconscious;  
  
Carrie was definitely an odd duck of a book. I find it surprising that it was published and made into a movie despite its voyeuristic glimpses into a high school girls' locker room. The writer in Tabitha definitely saw potential in it to overcome the taboo.  
  
I'm thinking we should leave "crypt" in due to the fact that the prior stanza already ends with "this is". Without, it creates somewhat of a redundancy.  

.....

Crypt is a give/take that can stay without really impacting the verse. I was thinking of the mystery of an open ended ellipses. . .
  
=======================================  
  
" Haters gonna hate. That's what bullies do. But without their seriously flawed characters and warped perspectives, there would be no amazing literature the likes of Carrie.  
  
" I'm going to work on a rewrite soon that fixes the poorly engineered rhyme scheme. I did not construct this poem with any form of musicality in mind. Perhaps that is the problem.    

" Amazing in-depth critique as usual my Darling.  

XOXOXOXOXO "

.....

And don't we know it?! I'm shashaying like Taylor Swift here. . .flicking sand in some faces! Tru dat about the human psychology of bullying and literature. And poetry. And critiques for that matter.  

I look forward to reading the revision to see what you do. [nonsense]  

Happy Haddoweeen, Dahlink. 🎃👻

* feeds you a cluster of bite-sized caramel milky ways *  

🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫

^ The pleasure was all mine. 💜  
 
The above is being edited. . .considering I'm continually interrupted by tiny ghosts and goblins pillaging for sugar . . . causing me to lose what I've already written . . . twice  [nonsense] therefore half-way done is better than losing . . . again.

🎃💜

It is done, Dahlink. . .now to get * home * and kick my shoes off in your lap. 💜👠👠

[nonsense]

I'm keeping the coffin warm for you. 💜

And don't we know it?! I'm shashaying like Taylor Swift here. . .flicking sand in some faces! Tru dat about the human psychology of bullying and literature. And poetry. And critiques for that matter.  

I look forward to reading the revision to see what you do. [nonsense]  

Happy Haddoweeen, Dahlink. 🎃👻

* feeds you a cluster of bite-sized caramel milky ways *  

🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫

===================================

BOO! Revised! [nonsense]

Until this BRILLIANCE is added back . . .

" So, yeah
I guess we got a little
carried away "

Talk to the hand!

✋

Harummph ( though so will say ( as I nonchalantly smooth my hair ) Carietta was a masterful revision )!

Oh, shit! I accidentally lost a stanza!!! WTH???

* rescues it from the trash and flips hair *  💋

 So, yeah  
I guess we got a little  
carried away  

😊❤
    
It was just a funny prank      
a way to say, Thank you    
for being such a good sport

[ I kinda miss 'supposed' playing off 'sport' here. Nice job of cleaning up though. ]    

I myself was shocked when      
electrocuted, the principal      
along with the King and Queen's    
Court went up in flames      

[ I miss the 'as well as', which really contributed to the consonance of 's' throughout the stanza.  The repetition worked here: ironic in that it hisses. . .as electrocution. ]      

    
No sense in pointing fingers      
or naming names      
    
because most everyone involved      
or caught in the crossfire was    
killed outright

[ I like the breakup of this. The space adds a pause to think. And because of that, I would suggest a ellipses. I also like right falling into night of the next stanza.]
    
While the Snell girl's nightmare lingers    
who blames that bitch Carrietta White      
for the casualties on Prom Night?      

[Interesting flip here. . .have you thought about saying Sue Snell's vs. girl's? Say it aloud. . .killer consonance of 's' and loses 'the']
    
She certainly plays the victim well      
despite burial in her own stone crypt  
eternal burning in Hell      

[ I would suggest 'eternally' here.]
        
Do you understand      
what a fucked up, twisted    
script it all is?      

[You've completely altered references here. . .from a witnessed occurence by a participant to a reader / watcher of a book / film. . .let me think about this new twist ( no pun intended ) and ending overnight. . .
    
💜

Tabby saves the day. 💕

💋

I look forward to further critiquage from you. [nonsense]💕

"shit     
snatched out of a trash bin   
that will never sell"    
 
How about referencing Tabby too, if you're going down this lane?  
 
"or the one who snatched it  
out of the trash bin  
 
shit"
 
💏  
 
I realize you'll have to redo the previous stanza a bit. . .  
    

I'll give it a whirl ! 💋

I mean, sure, question the mindset that wrote it; however, he actually threw it away! It was the one who pulled it out of the trash that convinced him it would sell!  

Sounds like they are perfect for one another. . .💕💏

Reminds me of another couple I know ........ 💏💕

Ummmhmmm . . .💜💋

💏

💋💜

Phew! Alright, we're almost there ......... [nonsense]

I think we could streamline it a bit. . .

Do you understand        
what a twisted script
was truly penned?        
       
Makes one wonder more
about the person who snatched
it from the trash bin
       
thinking the shit      
would actually be published    

I Love the play of 'snatched / shit /published' and ' penned / bin / shit ' . . . of course, it needs the Blaze touch!  💜💋

No, I think you nailed it! 💜

Sigh. . .just when I think a woman's work is never done. . .I'm pleasantly surprised by You ( yet again ). 💜💋

I wonder what Stephen did for Tabby when it was published? [nonsense]

I'll have to research that, as I've never heard anything beyond the removal from the trash can. 💕💜

Oh! 💜💋

But wait. . .because a woman can change her mind 💃. . .how about this instead:


Makes one wonder [ as much ]

Now read it all aloud. 💕

It dances well with snatched .... I'm sold! 💑💜

Damn right. . .I spent my life savings on you! 💑

[nonsense]

LOL 💜

This has to be the longest fucking comments ever on a poem! [nonsense]

💜