deepundergroundpoetry.com
[ SK ] Clowning Around
When it rains
in the town of Derry
it pours
---flooded streets
awash with paper sailing ships
and a merry assortment of toys
swallowed by sidewalk drains
on field trips destined for
the sewer
Does anyone notice
laughter lately is dwindling
as the number of kids playing
in the neighborhood
seems to be getting fewer?
as little boys
with their little dreams
crouch on all fours in gutters
reaching through metal grates
in hopes of reclaiming
their innocence lost
---dashed
when the cost is learned:
downed payments of
an arm here
a leg there
Why, poor little Georgie
who lived up the block
was mashed!
Unlike his
the bodies are rarely found
We live in dangerous times
It's better to be safe than sorry
---get your ass indoors now
while you still can
before day turns starry dusk;
twilight moon highlighting your
yellow raincoat
Who's that funny looking man
over in the park, near the
merry-go-round?
When it pours
in the town of Derry
you may float
so quit your clowning around
Author's Note
inspired by Stephen King's "IT"
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 1
comments 7
reads 938
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Re. Clowning Around
5th Oct 2017 00:41am
Re. Clowning Around
'IT' scared the shIT out of me, literally. I've always had a thing about clowns anyway. I had an opportunity to see the remake a few weeks ago and declined. I thought I'd wait for the matinee . . . and daylight! Especially with All Hallows' Eve approaching. LOL!
I'm curious to see how Bill Skarsgård upstages Tim Curry as Pennywise. I felt like Curry stole every scene he appeared in. I'm reading and hearing mixed reviews ( though the consensus says IT'S (no pun intended) scary as crap).
Bottom line for me is how a childhood can come back to haunt you. And how you can exorcise that haunting.
Now, for your poem:
Clowning Around
[ Bloody excellent! It's a double-entendre of both humor and horror ( much like the movie in places ) ]
When it rains
in the town of Derry
it pours
[ ANOTHER excellent double-entendre! Literally and figuratively! Wow. What a way to open up! If I had any suggestions. . .and this may be a stretch. . . I would capitalize on one 'it' by capitalizing or italicizing. ]
[f]looded streets
awash with paper sailing ships
and a merry assortment of toys
swallowed by sidewalk drains
[ I adore the natural alliteration / consonance of 's' and alliteration / assonance of 'a' ( yes; even the 'and' ). You are a true master of lyrical poetics without losing the meaning or seemingly forcing phonics. The entire stanza rolls off the tongue when recited aloud.
I would suggest either capping Flooded to start a new thought since you've spaced. Or, perhaps semi after pours to connect the thought? ]
on field trips destined for
the sewer
[ ships/ field / trips /destined are a waterfall of rhyme and half-rhyme, with 'sewer' as a caboose picking up the alliteration of swallowed and sidewalks. Sailing over waves of waves in verse. ]
Has anyone noticed lately
the number of kids laughing
and playing in the neighborhood
seems to be getting fewer?
[ One of the patterns of your work is the connective rhyme / half-rhyme not only within stanzas, but between them. Here you have 'fewer' as the caboose picking up 'sewer' in the previous couplet, and the half-rhyme / assonance / consonance combination between 'er' of 'number' is an excellent bridge connecting the phonics.
Also playing into the half-rhyme is lately / playing and 'neigh'borhoods. I really like the alliteration and assonance of lately and laughing with the 'l' and 'a'.
I'm wondering if you should substitute 'Does' for 'Has' in L1? The 'd' would play beautifully off destined in the previous couplet and neighborhood in this stanza. You'd lose none of the consonance of 's' throughout the stanza, though you would lose a tad of assonance with 'a'; however, it's not enough to affect it phonically. You would also need to alter 'noticed' to 'notice' if you opt.
I almost wish you could work dwindling in there somehow.]
as little boys
with their little brains
crouch on all fours in gutters
reaching in
[ I want to substitute dreams for brains. . .it just seems more of a sacrifice of trusting innocence than the inference of 'little brains'. Yes, you'll lose the alliteration of 'b' ; however, compare the resonance between the two when substituted. Also, you'd carry the the 'd' from the previous stanza.
Sometimes phonics is important, and sometimes resonant imagery trumps it. Who dreams more than little boys?
I did a double thought on little, but I like the repitition; it's lyrical and phonically apt. ]
hopes of reclaiming their
innocence lost
dashed
[ This is why I feel dreams would be a better word than brains in the previous stanza. Dreams seem more in line with innocence than thoughts - a feeling.
I Love the consonance of 's' in this tercet, especially the 'c' in innocence. I'm wondering if dashed preceding 'dashed' would work? ]
when the cost
is learned:
downed payments of
an arm here
a leg there
[ This sent shudders down my spine. . .literally. I Love the use of 'downed' vs down. ]
Why, poor little Georgie
who lived up the block was
mashed!
[ Shudders. I would suggest moving was to L3. I almost want to suggest 'smashed'. Love the half-rhyme if poor / Georgie. The alliteration of 'wh' between 'Why' and 'Who' is lovely.
It's interesting you used the exclamation mark to add an aire of shocked gossip. It projects a powerful image of shock. ]
Unlike his,
the bodies are rarely found
[ You're taking no prisoners with this one. The power of this couplet to turn the stomach ( especially if you've seen the film ) is unnerving. ]
Word is
there's a serial killer
loose on the street
so quit clowning around
- get your ass indoors
before day turns dark
We live in dangerous times
Better to be safe than sorry
[ How can we rearrange this where " so quit clowning around " ends the poem?
We live in dangerous times
[It's] better to be safe than sorry
- get your ass indoors
before day turns dark
Quit clowning around
I also want to tie a metaphor in about the rain somehow vs " before day turns dark " to carry the double-entendre of the opening through to the end. How can we do that?
[It's] better to be safe than sorry
- get your ass indoors
[ before day turns dark ]
When you told me you struggled with this one, and I read it, I really couldn't understand why. But now that I've critiqued it, and understand your thought process with this series, I feel it's the ending that your instinct is reserving doubt for.
Though the lines are excellently executed, perhaps a simple rearranging would suffice ( with the exception of the rain / pours that I feel needs to accompany the ending somehow as well ).
I've always loved the brevity with which you re-capture a single thought of horror or shock. Your mastery of double-entendre and phonics shines in this as the others in the series.
Can't wait to see what your mind does with the end! Something completely surprising I'm sure!
I'm curious to see how Bill Skarsgård upstages Tim Curry as Pennywise. I felt like Curry stole every scene he appeared in. I'm reading and hearing mixed reviews ( though the consensus says IT'S (no pun intended) scary as crap).
Bottom line for me is how a childhood can come back to haunt you. And how you can exorcise that haunting.
Now, for your poem:
Clowning Around
[ Bloody excellent! It's a double-entendre of both humor and horror ( much like the movie in places ) ]
When it rains
in the town of Derry
it pours
[ ANOTHER excellent double-entendre! Literally and figuratively! Wow. What a way to open up! If I had any suggestions. . .and this may be a stretch. . . I would capitalize on one 'it' by capitalizing or italicizing. ]
[f]looded streets
awash with paper sailing ships
and a merry assortment of toys
swallowed by sidewalk drains
[ I adore the natural alliteration / consonance of 's' and alliteration / assonance of 'a' ( yes; even the 'and' ). You are a true master of lyrical poetics without losing the meaning or seemingly forcing phonics. The entire stanza rolls off the tongue when recited aloud.
I would suggest either capping Flooded to start a new thought since you've spaced. Or, perhaps semi after pours to connect the thought? ]
on field trips destined for
the sewer
[ ships/ field / trips /destined are a waterfall of rhyme and half-rhyme, with 'sewer' as a caboose picking up the alliteration of swallowed and sidewalks. Sailing over waves of waves in verse. ]
Has anyone noticed lately
the number of kids laughing
and playing in the neighborhood
seems to be getting fewer?
[ One of the patterns of your work is the connective rhyme / half-rhyme not only within stanzas, but between them. Here you have 'fewer' as the caboose picking up 'sewer' in the previous couplet, and the half-rhyme / assonance / consonance combination between 'er' of 'number' is an excellent bridge connecting the phonics.
Also playing into the half-rhyme is lately / playing and 'neigh'borhoods. I really like the alliteration and assonance of lately and laughing with the 'l' and 'a'.
I'm wondering if you should substitute 'Does' for 'Has' in L1? The 'd' would play beautifully off destined in the previous couplet and neighborhood in this stanza. You'd lose none of the consonance of 's' throughout the stanza, though you would lose a tad of assonance with 'a'; however, it's not enough to affect it phonically. You would also need to alter 'noticed' to 'notice' if you opt.
I almost wish you could work dwindling in there somehow.]
as little boys
with their little brains
crouch on all fours in gutters
reaching in
[ I want to substitute dreams for brains. . .it just seems more of a sacrifice of trusting innocence than the inference of 'little brains'. Yes, you'll lose the alliteration of 'b' ; however, compare the resonance between the two when substituted. Also, you'd carry the the 'd' from the previous stanza.
Sometimes phonics is important, and sometimes resonant imagery trumps it. Who dreams more than little boys?
I did a double thought on little, but I like the repitition; it's lyrical and phonically apt. ]
hopes of reclaiming their
innocence lost
dashed
[ This is why I feel dreams would be a better word than brains in the previous stanza. Dreams seem more in line with innocence than thoughts - a feeling.
I Love the consonance of 's' in this tercet, especially the 'c' in innocence. I'm wondering if dashed preceding 'dashed' would work? ]
when the cost
is learned:
downed payments of
an arm here
a leg there
[ This sent shudders down my spine. . .literally. I Love the use of 'downed' vs down. ]
Why, poor little Georgie
who lived up the block was
mashed!
[ Shudders. I would suggest moving was to L3. I almost want to suggest 'smashed'. Love the half-rhyme if poor / Georgie. The alliteration of 'wh' between 'Why' and 'Who' is lovely.
It's interesting you used the exclamation mark to add an aire of shocked gossip. It projects a powerful image of shock. ]
Unlike his,
the bodies are rarely found
[ You're taking no prisoners with this one. The power of this couplet to turn the stomach ( especially if you've seen the film ) is unnerving. ]
Word is
there's a serial killer
loose on the street
so quit clowning around
- get your ass indoors
before day turns dark
We live in dangerous times
Better to be safe than sorry
[ How can we rearrange this where " so quit clowning around " ends the poem?
We live in dangerous times
[It's] better to be safe than sorry
- get your ass indoors
before day turns dark
Quit clowning around
I also want to tie a metaphor in about the rain somehow vs " before day turns dark " to carry the double-entendre of the opening through to the end. How can we do that?
[It's] better to be safe than sorry
- get your ass indoors
[ before day turns dark ]
When you told me you struggled with this one, and I read it, I really couldn't understand why. But now that I've critiqued it, and understand your thought process with this series, I feel it's the ending that your instinct is reserving doubt for.
Though the lines are excellently executed, perhaps a simple rearranging would suffice ( with the exception of the rain / pours that I feel needs to accompany the ending somehow as well ).
I've always loved the brevity with which you re-capture a single thought of horror or shock. Your mastery of double-entendre and phonics shines in this as the others in the series.
Can't wait to see what your mind does with the end! Something completely surprising I'm sure!
0
Re: Re. Clowning Around
'IT' scared the shIT out of me, literally. I've always had a thing about clowns anyway. I had an opportunity to see the remake a few weeks ago and declined. I thought I'd wait for the matinee . . . and daylight! Especially with All Hallows' Eve approaching. LOL! I'm curious to see how Bill Skarsgård upstages Tim Curry as Pennywise. I felt like Curry stole every scene he appeared in. I'm reading and hearing mixed reviews ( though the consensus says IT'S (no pun intended) scary as crap). Bottom line for me is how a childhood can come back to haunt you. And how you 1can exorcise that haunting.
=================================================
You and me both. Clowns are not my thing. I will probably wait for the DVD. I'm already wearing out my copy of the original, as I've watched it about 10 times this year. Skarsgard is menacing without any make-up and has that voice capable of making skin crawl. 'Nuff said.
=================================================
Now, for your poem: Clowning Around [ Bloody excellent! It's a double-entendre of both humor and horror ( much like the movie in places ) ] When it rains in the town of Derry it pours [ ANOTHER excellent double-entendre! Literally and figuratively! Wow. What a way to open up! If I had any suggestions. . .and this may be a stretch. . . I would capitalize on one 'it' by capitalizing or italicizing. ]
=================================================
Interesting suggestion. There will be little doubt for established King fans which book this poem is referencing, so we might as well have fun with it.
=================================================
flooded streets awash with paper sailing ships and a merry assortment of toys swallowed by sidewalk drains [ I adore the natural alliteration / consonance of 's' and alliteration / assonance of 'a' ( yes; even the 'and' ). You are a true master of lyrical poetics without losing the meaning or seemingly forcing phonics. The entire stanza rolls off the tongue when recited aloud. I would suggest either capping Flooded to start a new thought since you've spaced. Or, perhaps semi after pours to connect the thought? ]
================================================
I just noticed that myself while making editing. Let's try a semi.
================================================
on field trips destined for the sewer [ ships/ field / trips /destined are a waterfall of rhyme and half-rhyme, with 'sewer' as a caboose picking up the alliteration of swallowed and sidewalks. Sailing over waves of waves in verse. ] Has anyone noticed lately the number of kids laughing and playing in the neighborhood seems to be getting fewer? [ One of the patterns of your work is the connective rhyme / half-rhyme not only within stanzas, but between them. Here you have 'fewer' as the caboose picking up 'sewer' in the previous couplet, and the half-rhyme / assonance / consonance combination between 'er' of 'number' is an excellent bridge connecting the phonics. Also playing into the half-rhyme is lately / playing and 'neigh'borhoods. I really like the alliteration and assonance of lately and laughing with the 'l' and 'a'. I'm wondering if you should substitute 'Does' for 'Has' in L1? The 'd' would play beautifully off destined in the previous couplet and neighborhood in this stanza. You'd lose none of the consonance of 's' throughout the stanza, though you would lose a tad of assonance with 'a'; however, it's not enough to affect it phonically. You would also need to alter 'noticed' to 'notice' if you opt. I almost wish you could work dwindling in there somehow.]
================================================
I think this can all be arranged.
================================================
as little boys with their little brains crouch on all fours in gutters reaching in [ I want to substitute dreams for brains. . .it just seems more of a sacrifice of trusting innocence than the inference of 'little brains'. Yes, you'll lose the alliteration of 'b' ; however, compare the resonance between the two when substituted. Also, you'd carry the the 'd' from the previous stanza. Sometimes phonics is important, and sometimes resonant imagery trumps it. Who dreams more than little boys? I did a double thought on little, but I like the repitition; it's lyrical and phonically apt. ]
==================================================
Here, I was trying too hard. There's a line in the original movie where Pennywise tells the Loser's Club they will lose their little minds. But I wanted to rhyme off of "drains" earlier. Since it is best to make the most of opportunity, dreams will add dimension.
==================================================
hopes of reclaiming their innocence lost dashed [ This is why I feel dreams would be a better word than brains in the previous stanza. Dreams seem more in line with innocence than thoughts - a feeling. I Love the consonance of 's' in this tercet, especially the 'c' in innocence. I'm wondering if dashed preceding 'dashed' would work? ]
=================================================
It will add dramatic pause. Brilliant.
==================================================
when the cost is learned: downed payments of an arm here a leg there [ This sent shudders down my spine. . .literally. I Love the use of 'downed' vs down. ] Why, poor little Georgie who lived up the block was mashed! [ Shudders. I would suggest moving was to L3. I almost want to suggest 'smashed'. Love the half-rhyme if poor / Georgie. The alliteration of 'wh' between 'Why' and 'Who' is lovely. It's interesting you used the exclamation mark to add an aire of shocked gossip. It projects a powerful image of shock. ]
=====================================================
I see what you mean about "was". The emphasis in delivery. Bad people were often reffered to as "mashers" back in those days.
=====================================================
Unlike his, the bodies are rarely found [ You're taking no prisoners with this one. The power of this couplet to turn the stomach ( especially if you've seen the film ) is unnerving. ] Word is there's a serial killer loose on the street so quit clowning around - get your ass indoors before day turns dark We live in dangerous times Better to be safe than sorry [ How can we rearrange this where " so quit clowning around " ends the poem? We live in dangerous times [It's] better to be safe than sorry - get your ass indoors before day turns dark Quit clowning around I also want to tie a metaphor in about the rain somehow vs " before day turns dark " to carry the double-entendre of the opening through to the end. How can we do that? [It's] better to be safe than sorry - get your ass indoors [ before day turns dark ] When you told me you struggled with this one, and I read it, I really couldn't understand why. But now that I've critiqued it, and understand your thought process with this series, I feel it's the ending that your instinct is reserving doubt for. Though the lines are excellently executed, perhaps a simple rearranging would suffice ( with the exception of the rain / pours that I feel needs to accompany the ending somehow as well ). I've always loved the brevity with which you re-capture a single thought of horror or shock. Your mastery of double-entendre and phonics shines in this as the others in the series. Can't wait to see what your mind does with the end! Something completely surprising I'm sure!
=================================================
Yes, the ending is mostly why I had reservations. To me, it fell flat. I'll see what I can do with tying in the beginning.
=================================================
You and me both. Clowns are not my thing. I will probably wait for the DVD. I'm already wearing out my copy of the original, as I've watched it about 10 times this year. Skarsgard is menacing without any make-up and has that voice capable of making skin crawl. 'Nuff said.
=================================================
Now, for your poem: Clowning Around [ Bloody excellent! It's a double-entendre of both humor and horror ( much like the movie in places ) ] When it rains in the town of Derry it pours [ ANOTHER excellent double-entendre! Literally and figuratively! Wow. What a way to open up! If I had any suggestions. . .and this may be a stretch. . . I would capitalize on one 'it' by capitalizing or italicizing. ]
=================================================
Interesting suggestion. There will be little doubt for established King fans which book this poem is referencing, so we might as well have fun with it.
=================================================
flooded streets awash with paper sailing ships and a merry assortment of toys swallowed by sidewalk drains [ I adore the natural alliteration / consonance of 's' and alliteration / assonance of 'a' ( yes; even the 'and' ). You are a true master of lyrical poetics without losing the meaning or seemingly forcing phonics. The entire stanza rolls off the tongue when recited aloud. I would suggest either capping Flooded to start a new thought since you've spaced. Or, perhaps semi after pours to connect the thought? ]
================================================
I just noticed that myself while making editing. Let's try a semi.
================================================
on field trips destined for the sewer [ ships/ field / trips /destined are a waterfall of rhyme and half-rhyme, with 'sewer' as a caboose picking up the alliteration of swallowed and sidewalks. Sailing over waves of waves in verse. ] Has anyone noticed lately the number of kids laughing and playing in the neighborhood seems to be getting fewer? [ One of the patterns of your work is the connective rhyme / half-rhyme not only within stanzas, but between them. Here you have 'fewer' as the caboose picking up 'sewer' in the previous couplet, and the half-rhyme / assonance / consonance combination between 'er' of 'number' is an excellent bridge connecting the phonics. Also playing into the half-rhyme is lately / playing and 'neigh'borhoods. I really like the alliteration and assonance of lately and laughing with the 'l' and 'a'. I'm wondering if you should substitute 'Does' for 'Has' in L1? The 'd' would play beautifully off destined in the previous couplet and neighborhood in this stanza. You'd lose none of the consonance of 's' throughout the stanza, though you would lose a tad of assonance with 'a'; however, it's not enough to affect it phonically. You would also need to alter 'noticed' to 'notice' if you opt. I almost wish you could work dwindling in there somehow.]
================================================
I think this can all be arranged.
================================================
as little boys with their little brains crouch on all fours in gutters reaching in [ I want to substitute dreams for brains. . .it just seems more of a sacrifice of trusting innocence than the inference of 'little brains'. Yes, you'll lose the alliteration of 'b' ; however, compare the resonance between the two when substituted. Also, you'd carry the the 'd' from the previous stanza. Sometimes phonics is important, and sometimes resonant imagery trumps it. Who dreams more than little boys? I did a double thought on little, but I like the repitition; it's lyrical and phonically apt. ]
==================================================
Here, I was trying too hard. There's a line in the original movie where Pennywise tells the Loser's Club they will lose their little minds. But I wanted to rhyme off of "drains" earlier. Since it is best to make the most of opportunity, dreams will add dimension.
==================================================
hopes of reclaiming their innocence lost dashed [ This is why I feel dreams would be a better word than brains in the previous stanza. Dreams seem more in line with innocence than thoughts - a feeling. I Love the consonance of 's' in this tercet, especially the 'c' in innocence. I'm wondering if dashed preceding 'dashed' would work? ]
=================================================
It will add dramatic pause. Brilliant.
==================================================
when the cost is learned: downed payments of an arm here a leg there [ This sent shudders down my spine. . .literally. I Love the use of 'downed' vs down. ] Why, poor little Georgie who lived up the block was mashed! [ Shudders. I would suggest moving was to L3. I almost want to suggest 'smashed'. Love the half-rhyme if poor / Georgie. The alliteration of 'wh' between 'Why' and 'Who' is lovely. It's interesting you used the exclamation mark to add an aire of shocked gossip. It projects a powerful image of shock. ]
=====================================================
I see what you mean about "was". The emphasis in delivery. Bad people were often reffered to as "mashers" back in those days.
=====================================================
Unlike his, the bodies are rarely found [ You're taking no prisoners with this one. The power of this couplet to turn the stomach ( especially if you've seen the film ) is unnerving. ] Word is there's a serial killer loose on the street so quit clowning around - get your ass indoors before day turns dark We live in dangerous times Better to be safe than sorry [ How can we rearrange this where " so quit clowning around " ends the poem? We live in dangerous times [It's] better to be safe than sorry - get your ass indoors before day turns dark Quit clowning around I also want to tie a metaphor in about the rain somehow vs " before day turns dark " to carry the double-entendre of the opening through to the end. How can we do that? [It's] better to be safe than sorry - get your ass indoors [ before day turns dark ] When you told me you struggled with this one, and I read it, I really couldn't understand why. But now that I've critiqued it, and understand your thought process with this series, I feel it's the ending that your instinct is reserving doubt for. Though the lines are excellently executed, perhaps a simple rearranging would suffice ( with the exception of the rain / pours that I feel needs to accompany the ending somehow as well ). I've always loved the brevity with which you re-capture a single thought of horror or shock. Your mastery of double-entendre and phonics shines in this as the others in the series. Can't wait to see what your mind does with the end! Something completely surprising I'm sure!
=================================================
Yes, the ending is mostly why I had reservations. To me, it fell flat. I'll see what I can do with tying in the beginning.
Re: Re. Clowning Around
8th Oct 2017 9:20pm
Okay, I've rewritten the ending. ALL of your suggestions have been tremendously helpful and are edited in. Bless you for your tireless efforts in helping better me as a writer and improving this series.
Re. Clowning Around
8th Oct 2017 9:27pm
Re: Re. Clowning Around
Anonymous
- Edited 14th Oct 2018 4:47am
10th Oct 2017 4:31pm
<< post removed >>