Unreconciled

Sometimes I stop crying. Surely I knew      
I would for a brief while? I lean to kiss      
His portrait and stay calm for once. The clue      
(To despair) lies in red rimmed eyes, dismissed      
When glimpsing in the mirror - I don't dream    
Or hope I'll ever drown the taste of death    
And desolation.  Tears? Those waters stream.    
I drag my hand across. There's no relief      
From chill and damp sorrow. I am beguiled    
By death each day. And, yes, I have rehearsed,    
But expurgate dire thoughts unreconciled      
With endless, dread ideas; I sigh and purse    
My lips, then bite them bloody, as I rock    
And cry and rock and cry until I stop.