Paltry Eyes

another wow of a poem - your writing is so very good and so very original - this felt dark and so very sad - felt a lump in my throat - maybe it mas just my interpretation :-(

excellent :-)

<3

Critique forthcoming. ☕

Finally!  

First, you have got to be one of the most talented poets here. I know I've said this before, but let me first reiterate before I illustrate with your poem. You have such a command of the alliterative flow of poetry. . .the consonant vibration and assonant resonance of lyrical composition.  

More than that is your constancy. Each post reflects this natural talent and comprehensive ability. Lines roll off the tongue smoothly into the next.  Your vocabulary is exemplary and unique expression stands out easily.  

Now, onto your poem:

"Paltry Eyes"

[ Excellent title. Right off the bat Paltry captures the attention and sets the mood ]

"Teeth [as] numb as my    
Chest    
Embed unbidden truths    
Into my unshod shins    
The vines that led me    
Morphed into thorns"    

[ Excellent imagery and relation; however, do you really need the first 'as' in L1? Also, while I realize it's traditionally accepted form, I have always found it a bit difficult to read poetry with each line capped. I struggle to differentiate between sentences, especially with no punctuation.

I would strongly consider the following revision:  

Teeth numb as my chest    
embed unbidden truths    
into my unshod shins;  
The vines that led me    
morphed into thorns      

See how the revision smoothed the flow between lines, and how the semi connected the final two lines to the previous - yet accentuated the imagery? ]
    
"Contractions kick    
Like...    
Mules of my own making    
Conceptions I've contrived    
Groan all the way home  
Distorting these dregs    
Birthing battles through blood    
To batter me while I beg"  

[ Comparing contractions to mule kicks is brilliant, and something every mother can fully relate to! The metaphor carries beautifully throughout the stanza as well.  

If I were to suggest revisions, it would be to lose "like" ( at all costs ) and semi after contractions kick, and, again, check your capitalization for as easier read.  

Contractions kick;
Mules of my own making    
Conceptions I've contrived    
groan all the way home  
distorting these dregs    
birthing battles through blood    
to batter me while I beg    

Mules of my own making is kick ass ( pun intended ) alliteration! As are the c's of contractions and conceptions and contrived. Distorting / dregs and the finale of b's is a phobic symphony. ]

"I thread flayed fingers    
Through threshed wheat    
Weaving wishes like whispers    
Sobbing for seasoned seed"  

[ Um. . .this hits the plate like starvation. The hunger for a break is palpable here.  

Again, watch you caps. . .also, you could lose 'like' by rearranging the syntax of L3 without losing any magic.  

I thread flayed fingers    
through threshed wheat    
weaving whispered wishes  
sobbing for seasoned seed    

That alliteration is fiddle pickin' on the tongue line by line girl. The devil went down to Georgia. . . ]
    
"It's chaff I eat"

Boom. If a poem were to ever end on an emotional resonance, it would be like this. Its the in your face essence that vibrates to the core of the reader.  

Well done. With the exception of those minor suggestions, this is an exemplary piece if work. I anticipate reading one of your books before I die.  

An autographed one. ❤

You really have a gift for critique, thank you so, so very much for taking all of this time on me. Gratitude is overwhelming me <3 I certainly see what you mean, I'm going to work on tightening up lines and trimming the fat! What you've said honestly brought tears to my eyes. It means more than you know. Thank you.

You're very welcome, AtoMikOne. It's an honor to critique such great poetry. I'm just sorry it took me so long.

It's no problem at all <3

Your poesy invests me unto the dance of your word pairing; I'm left folding into your verse with little control!! Another fantastic read!

Thank you so much!:)