deepundergroundpoetry.com
[ SK ] Prisoners of War
Old
sick
tired
Past its shelf date
Evil
unexpired
forced out of retirement
back-drafted into service
retro-fitted with a uniform
not meant for all
partnered up in a ballroom
resuming the dance
in tune with keys of Double S
Teacher, captured
an unwilling participant
hesitant to relive historic darkness
... for now
Student, raptured
by recollections of killing
horrific; fascination
not with where, when, why, who
only how
Apt
wrapped
cloaked in apathy
traveling down the warpath;
Disciple
assumes the role of
Master
unraveling faster
consumed in blind wrath
going off script
unable to contain
his rage on the page
as the monster
imprisoned in his brain
shakes the bars of its cage
seeking the path
of least resistance to
change
inspired by Stephen King's Apt Pupil
Published 19th Sep 2017
| Edited 24th Oct 2021
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 5
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
What an APT title for a very taut thriller! Especially regarding the twisted decline into depravity.
This is another King that movie I felt was quite underrated ( thought I do wish it had delved somewhat deeper into the issues it raised ). It seems like I remember reading a review about it that said " contagious evil " - I've never forgotten that because I'd never thought of evil as being contagious. Temptation yes, but not contagious. But maybe you can catch evil unwillingly when you challenge it. What line from what movie warned the actor not to ever challenge the devil because he would take it on?
Anyway, your poem!
First, I'm noting how you're becoming even more articulate with language - phonically precise is a good term for this one. I'm challenging myself to find one thing wrong - as you yourself have said even the best poem can be improved.
" Old
sick
tired
Past its shelf date "
[ Brilliant build of imagery through phonics! The alliteration between sick and shelf ( as well as the half-rhymes throughout these lines), not to mention the consonance contained within 'Past' / its' leaves the gate a length ahead of itself! I Love how 'Old' stands on its own and sets the pace as a matriarch. ]
" Evil
unexpired "
[ Whoa. Just the thought of unexpired evil spoiling further in the fridge is enough to send chills down the spine. But its so true in this context it's bone-chilling. ]
" forced out of retirement
drafted back into service "
[ I almost want to reverse to back-drafted for the double entendre of being sucked unwillingly into the fire you most likely started. I love the dance between the f / s here between forced / service. The english language can really be fun at times. Here's where the assonance of o picks up Old in the first line in ' forced ', evolving to alliteration with ' out'. The consonance of the r's really shine in this one as well. ]
" fitted with a uniform
not meant for all ( yummy f's continue to dance with t's ( we are in a ball room, after all )
partnered up in [the] ballroom
Time to resume [the] dance [,]
in tune with [the] key of Double S "
[ -- herm . . . what can be done about The ( no pun intended ) Three Little [The's]"? Could you say,
partnered up in a ballroom
resuming the dance
in tune to keys of Double S
Pluralizing keys would add yet more consonance to resuming / dance not to mention Double S. I found the reference of schutzstaffel vs the swastika interesting. I think ( if I remember correctly ) it was the first time I realized ( or learned ) of that symbol regarding the nazi's. ]
" Teacher, captured
participant, unwilling
hesitant to regale history specific
... for now "
[ The ellipsis here is PERFECT to not only build tension, but to let the reader know there's a flip coming. I'm questioning the use of ending with specific ( vs history ) - though I love the half rhyme with participant / hesitant. There's something about the enJAMbment ( [nonsense] ) of captured / participant. It almost reads as though L 1 / 2 play off each other in a comparision way, i.e. - Teacher, captured vs participant willing. I had to read it three times to smooth it out. Those P's. [ purple heart ]!
" Student, raptured
by recollections of killing
horrific; fascination
not with where, when, why, who
only how "
[ Ohhhh the " only how ' playing off the " . . . for now" is captivating to the attention. Love the alliteration of " raptured by recollections " ensued by the ' l ' in " killing ' ( swoon ) . Say that out loud with me, all together now : Rapture by recollections of killing ( which just happens to chime with unwilling ). Masterful useage, Capt'n. I also enjoy the play off Teacher, captured / Student, raptured. Do you see the difference in L2 between the stanzas, and perhaps why the previous read a bit tricky? The former doesn't have the flow of this one. I'm wondering if it's the commas as well?
Horrific falls beautifully in with the aforementioned participant / hesitant / specific - you're really nailing the poetic threads that bind. I also shuddered to read this stanza for the emotional impact. The fascination not with where, when, why, who
only how . . . cold calculated deed portrayed so succinctly. ]
" Apt
wrapped
cloaked in apathy
traveling down the warpath
Disciple
assumes the role of
Master "
[ Sheesh almighty. Apt / wrapped / apathy / path / Master - it's a phonic symphony! Yet there's something a bit disjointed here regarding the flow - and I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe a semi after warpath would smooth the transition between the disconnect. ]
" unraveling faster
consumed with blind wrath
going off script
He is unable to contain
his rage on the page "
[ Wow. You carried the previous stanza into this one beautifully with the 'a' consonance in " unraveling faster " playing off disciple and Master. I'm wondering if " with " should be " in blind wrath "? Of course you'd lose the consonance of th in wrath and off. . .but you'd be gaining the n in blind and unraveling ( not to mention unable / contain / on ).
Most poets have difficulty figuring out one avenue that's phonically pleasing. Your challenge is deciding which ( of the multiple permutations ) is best.
To you really need " He is "? I know it falls I to his; however, combined with the cap, it almost disrupts the flow of thought. Read it without and you'll see what I'm referring to. ]
" as the monster
imprisoned in his brain
shakes [the] bars of its cage
seeking the path
of least resistance to
change "
[ Ohhhhhh . . .I couldn't separate the final two bone-splintering stanzas. Aren't we all Angels and demons depending on what we feed? Or is it what we resist? Maybe a bit of both.
That final stanza . . . seeking the path least resistant to change vs the typical resistance to change.
Except for the bracket I found these perfect. And even that's personal. Howevrr, I found the one I bracketed stood out against L1 of the final stanza.
" The three Little [ The's ] " [ nonsense]
I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of You! How you're plugging along with these and becoming so astute in the phonic anatomy of poetry. You're truly a Master of rhythm and a lyrical quality causing the mind ( and tongue ) to dance gracefully through each stanza into the next.
Speaking of next. . .bring it, Baby! You gots da rhyme I gots da time! 📝
[ nonsense]
💜💜💜
This is another King that movie I felt was quite underrated ( thought I do wish it had delved somewhat deeper into the issues it raised ). It seems like I remember reading a review about it that said " contagious evil " - I've never forgotten that because I'd never thought of evil as being contagious. Temptation yes, but not contagious. But maybe you can catch evil unwillingly when you challenge it. What line from what movie warned the actor not to ever challenge the devil because he would take it on?
Anyway, your poem!
First, I'm noting how you're becoming even more articulate with language - phonically precise is a good term for this one. I'm challenging myself to find one thing wrong - as you yourself have said even the best poem can be improved.
" Old
sick
tired
Past its shelf date "
[ Brilliant build of imagery through phonics! The alliteration between sick and shelf ( as well as the half-rhymes throughout these lines), not to mention the consonance contained within 'Past' / its' leaves the gate a length ahead of itself! I Love how 'Old' stands on its own and sets the pace as a matriarch. ]
" Evil
unexpired "
[ Whoa. Just the thought of unexpired evil spoiling further in the fridge is enough to send chills down the spine. But its so true in this context it's bone-chilling. ]
" forced out of retirement
drafted back into service "
[ I almost want to reverse to back-drafted for the double entendre of being sucked unwillingly into the fire you most likely started. I love the dance between the f / s here between forced / service. The english language can really be fun at times. Here's where the assonance of o picks up Old in the first line in ' forced ', evolving to alliteration with ' out'. The consonance of the r's really shine in this one as well. ]
" fitted with a uniform
not meant for all ( yummy f's continue to dance with t's ( we are in a ball room, after all )
partnered up in [the] ballroom
Time to resume [the] dance [,]
in tune with [the] key of Double S "
[ -- herm . . . what can be done about The ( no pun intended ) Three Little [The's]"? Could you say,
partnered up in a ballroom
resuming the dance
in tune to keys of Double S
Pluralizing keys would add yet more consonance to resuming / dance not to mention Double S. I found the reference of schutzstaffel vs the swastika interesting. I think ( if I remember correctly ) it was the first time I realized ( or learned ) of that symbol regarding the nazi's. ]
" Teacher, captured
participant, unwilling
hesitant to regale history specific
... for now "
[ The ellipsis here is PERFECT to not only build tension, but to let the reader know there's a flip coming. I'm questioning the use of ending with specific ( vs history ) - though I love the half rhyme with participant / hesitant. There's something about the enJAMbment ( [nonsense] ) of captured / participant. It almost reads as though L 1 / 2 play off each other in a comparision way, i.e. - Teacher, captured vs participant willing. I had to read it three times to smooth it out. Those P's. [ purple heart ]!
" Student, raptured
by recollections of killing
horrific; fascination
not with where, when, why, who
only how "
[ Ohhhh the " only how ' playing off the " . . . for now" is captivating to the attention. Love the alliteration of " raptured by recollections " ensued by the ' l ' in " killing ' ( swoon ) . Say that out loud with me, all together now : Rapture by recollections of killing ( which just happens to chime with unwilling ). Masterful useage, Capt'n. I also enjoy the play off Teacher, captured / Student, raptured. Do you see the difference in L2 between the stanzas, and perhaps why the previous read a bit tricky? The former doesn't have the flow of this one. I'm wondering if it's the commas as well?
Horrific falls beautifully in with the aforementioned participant / hesitant / specific - you're really nailing the poetic threads that bind. I also shuddered to read this stanza for the emotional impact. The fascination not with where, when, why, who
only how . . . cold calculated deed portrayed so succinctly. ]
" Apt
wrapped
cloaked in apathy
traveling down the warpath
Disciple
assumes the role of
Master "
[ Sheesh almighty. Apt / wrapped / apathy / path / Master - it's a phonic symphony! Yet there's something a bit disjointed here regarding the flow - and I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe a semi after warpath would smooth the transition between the disconnect. ]
" unraveling faster
consumed with blind wrath
going off script
He is unable to contain
his rage on the page "
[ Wow. You carried the previous stanza into this one beautifully with the 'a' consonance in " unraveling faster " playing off disciple and Master. I'm wondering if " with " should be " in blind wrath "? Of course you'd lose the consonance of th in wrath and off. . .but you'd be gaining the n in blind and unraveling ( not to mention unable / contain / on ).
Most poets have difficulty figuring out one avenue that's phonically pleasing. Your challenge is deciding which ( of the multiple permutations ) is best.
To you really need " He is "? I know it falls I to his; however, combined with the cap, it almost disrupts the flow of thought. Read it without and you'll see what I'm referring to. ]
" as the monster
imprisoned in his brain
shakes [the] bars of its cage
seeking the path
of least resistance to
change "
[ Ohhhhhh . . .I couldn't separate the final two bone-splintering stanzas. Aren't we all Angels and demons depending on what we feed? Or is it what we resist? Maybe a bit of both.
That final stanza . . . seeking the path least resistant to change vs the typical resistance to change.
Except for the bracket I found these perfect. And even that's personal. Howevrr, I found the one I bracketed stood out against L1 of the final stanza.
" The three Little [ The's ] " [ nonsense]
I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of You! How you're plugging along with these and becoming so astute in the phonic anatomy of poetry. You're truly a Master of rhythm and a lyrical quality causing the mind ( and tongue ) to dance gracefully through each stanza into the next.
Speaking of next. . .bring it, Baby! You gots da rhyme I gots da time! 📝
[ nonsense]
💜💜💜
"I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of You! How you're plugging along with these and becoming so astute in the phonic anatomy of poetry. You're truly a Master of rhythm and a lyrical quality causing the mind ( and tongue ) to dance gracefully through each stanza into the next.
Speaking of next. . .bring it, Baby! You gots da rhyme I gots da time! 📝 [ nonsense] 💜💜💜"
I gots plenty of rhyme; sometimes so much that I end up tripping over it.
Like so.
"To you really need " He is "? I know it falls I to his; however, combined with the cap, it almost disrupts the flow of thought. Read it without and you'll see what I'm referring to. ]"
I was trying to rhyme "he" off of "apathy" in the previous stanza. I'm guessing it's not really working.
"" unraveling faster
consumed with blind wrath
going off script
He is unable to contain
his rage on the page "
[ Wow. You carried the previous stanza into this one beautifully with the 'a' consonance in " unraveling faster " playing off disciple and Master. I'm wondering if " with " should be " in blind wrath "? Of course you'd lose the consonance of th in wrath and off. . .but you'd be gaining the n in blind and unraveling ( not to mention unable / contain / on ).
Most poets have difficulty figuring out one avenue that's phonically pleasing. Your challenge is deciding which ( of the multiple permutations ) is best."
You are correct that "with" should be "in" because of "consumed".
"" Apt
wrapped
cloaked in apathy
traveling down the warpath
Disciple
assumes the role of
Master "
[ Sheesh almighty. Apt / wrapped / apathy / path / Master - it's a phonic symphony! Yet there's something a bit disjointed here regarding the flow - and I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe a semi after warpath would smooth the transition between the disconnect. ]"
Good call ( as usual ).
"" forced out of retirement
drafted back into service "
[ I almost want to reverse to back-drafted for the double entendre of being sucked unwillingly into the fire you most likely started. I love the dance between the f / s here between forced / service. The english language can really be fun at times. Here's where the assonance of o picks up Old in the first line in ' forced ', evolving to alliteration with ' out'. The consonance of the r's really shine in this one as well. ]
" fitted with a uniform""
That's an excellent idea!
You also caused me to re-examine "fitted".
How about "retro-fitted" ......?
"partnered up in [the] ballroom
Time to resume [the] dance [,]
in tune with [the] key of Double S "
[ -- herm . . . what can be done about The ( no pun intended ) Three Little [The's]"? Could you say,
partnered up in a ballroom
resuming the dance
in tune to keys of Double S
Pluralizing keys would add yet more consonance to resuming / dance not to mention Double S. I found the reference of schutzstaffel vs the swastika interesting. I think ( if I remember correctly ) it was the first time I realized ( or learned ) of that symbol regarding the nazi's. ]"
Wowzers. What a boner that was.
"" Teacher, captured
participant, unwilling
hesitant to regale history specific
... for now "
[ The ellipsis here is PERFECT to not only build tension, but to let the reader know there's a flip coming. I'm questioning the use of ending with specific ( vs history ) - though I love the half rhyme with participant / hesitant. There's something about the enJAMbment ( [nonsense] ) of captured / participant. It almost reads as though L 1 / 2 play off each other in a comparision way, i.e. - Teacher, captured vs participant willing. I had to read it three times to smooth it out. Those P's. [ purple heart ]!
" Student, raptured
by recollections of killing
horrific; fascination
not with where, when, why, who
only how "
[ Ohhhh the " only how ' playing off the " . . . for now" is captivating to the attention. Love the alliteration of " raptured by recollections " ensued by the ' l ' in " killing ' ( swoon ) . Say that out loud with me, all together now : Rapture by recollections of killing ( which just happens to chime with unwilling ). Masterful useage, Capt'n. I also enjoy the play off Teacher, captured / Student, raptured. Do you see the difference in L2 between the stanzas, and perhaps why the previous read a bit tricky? The former doesn't have the flow of this one. I'm wondering if it's the commas as well?
Horrific falls beautifully in with the aforementioned participant / hesitant / specific - you're really nailing the poetic threads that bind. I also shuddered to read this stanza for the emotional impact. The fascination not with where, when, why, who
only how . . . cold calculated deed portrayed so succinctly. ]"
Would it change much to just say
Teacher, captured
an unwilling participant
hesitant to relive historic darkness
[i] ... for now[/i]
Student, raptured
by recollections of killing
horrific; fascination
not with where, when, why, who
only [i]how[/i]
"historic" would play well with "horrific", while "darkness" would rhyme off the earlier "Double S"
You've done an AMAZING job so far of spotting and ironing out the wrinkles in this poem. 💜
Speaking of next. . .bring it, Baby! You gots da rhyme I gots da time! 📝 [ nonsense] 💜💜💜"
I gots plenty of rhyme; sometimes so much that I end up tripping over it.
Like so.
"To you really need " He is "? I know it falls I to his; however, combined with the cap, it almost disrupts the flow of thought. Read it without and you'll see what I'm referring to. ]"
I was trying to rhyme "he" off of "apathy" in the previous stanza. I'm guessing it's not really working.
"" unraveling faster
consumed with blind wrath
going off script
He is unable to contain
his rage on the page "
[ Wow. You carried the previous stanza into this one beautifully with the 'a' consonance in " unraveling faster " playing off disciple and Master. I'm wondering if " with " should be " in blind wrath "? Of course you'd lose the consonance of th in wrath and off. . .but you'd be gaining the n in blind and unraveling ( not to mention unable / contain / on ).
Most poets have difficulty figuring out one avenue that's phonically pleasing. Your challenge is deciding which ( of the multiple permutations ) is best."
You are correct that "with" should be "in" because of "consumed".
"" Apt
wrapped
cloaked in apathy
traveling down the warpath
Disciple
assumes the role of
Master "
[ Sheesh almighty. Apt / wrapped / apathy / path / Master - it's a phonic symphony! Yet there's something a bit disjointed here regarding the flow - and I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe a semi after warpath would smooth the transition between the disconnect. ]"
Good call ( as usual ).
"" forced out of retirement
drafted back into service "
[ I almost want to reverse to back-drafted for the double entendre of being sucked unwillingly into the fire you most likely started. I love the dance between the f / s here between forced / service. The english language can really be fun at times. Here's where the assonance of o picks up Old in the first line in ' forced ', evolving to alliteration with ' out'. The consonance of the r's really shine in this one as well. ]
" fitted with a uniform""
That's an excellent idea!
You also caused me to re-examine "fitted".
How about "retro-fitted" ......?
"partnered up in [the] ballroom
Time to resume [the] dance [,]
in tune with [the] key of Double S "
[ -- herm . . . what can be done about The ( no pun intended ) Three Little [The's]"? Could you say,
partnered up in a ballroom
resuming the dance
in tune to keys of Double S
Pluralizing keys would add yet more consonance to resuming / dance not to mention Double S. I found the reference of schutzstaffel vs the swastika interesting. I think ( if I remember correctly ) it was the first time I realized ( or learned ) of that symbol regarding the nazi's. ]"
Wowzers. What a boner that was.
"" Teacher, captured
participant, unwilling
hesitant to regale history specific
... for now "
[ The ellipsis here is PERFECT to not only build tension, but to let the reader know there's a flip coming. I'm questioning the use of ending with specific ( vs history ) - though I love the half rhyme with participant / hesitant. There's something about the enJAMbment ( [nonsense] ) of captured / participant. It almost reads as though L 1 / 2 play off each other in a comparision way, i.e. - Teacher, captured vs participant willing. I had to read it three times to smooth it out. Those P's. [ purple heart ]!
" Student, raptured
by recollections of killing
horrific; fascination
not with where, when, why, who
only how "
[ Ohhhh the " only how ' playing off the " . . . for now" is captivating to the attention. Love the alliteration of " raptured by recollections " ensued by the ' l ' in " killing ' ( swoon ) . Say that out loud with me, all together now : Rapture by recollections of killing ( which just happens to chime with unwilling ). Masterful useage, Capt'n. I also enjoy the play off Teacher, captured / Student, raptured. Do you see the difference in L2 between the stanzas, and perhaps why the previous read a bit tricky? The former doesn't have the flow of this one. I'm wondering if it's the commas as well?
Horrific falls beautifully in with the aforementioned participant / hesitant / specific - you're really nailing the poetic threads that bind. I also shuddered to read this stanza for the emotional impact. The fascination not with where, when, why, who
only how . . . cold calculated deed portrayed so succinctly. ]"
Would it change much to just say
Teacher, captured
an unwilling participant
hesitant to relive historic darkness
[i] ... for now[/i]
Student, raptured
by recollections of killing
horrific; fascination
not with where, when, why, who
only [i]how[/i]
"historic" would play well with "horrific", while "darkness" would rhyme off the earlier "Double S"
You've done an AMAZING job so far of spotting and ironing out the wrinkles in this poem. 💜
20th Sep 2017 9:01pm
" How about 'retro-fitted' ......? " Ohhhh nice! A historical inference! " Would it change much to just say " . . . No! Perfect! Though I'd like to reread the revisions once you've applied them! ^5's all around! [nonsense] 💜💜💜
20th Sep 2017 11:37am
I felt the chill of this horror filled recanting...as for all the rest, who can say it better than that woman above!? :)
20th Sep 2017 8:44pm
Thank you, Poetikmind. Yes, Ahavati takes no prisoners when it comes to critiquing my work and I wouldn't have it any other way.
