Reflections

Done a lot of looking in the mirror
and mostly like what I see
not where I thought I’d be
on the relationship front
 
First thought was to look at others  
the selection of women in Oregon  
the seasonal depression  
the penchant for cigarettes, hookah, drugs, excessive body art,
piercings
 
The easy way out, like doing a Clinton and avoiding any role on my own  
for I have discovered that perhaps a fulfilling relationship  
is just not to be  
 
For a long time I was in denial about being bipolar  
and after the folks passed as did my sister by another mother  
I sheathed myself in my work and volunteerism  
 
While most satisfying  
still feels like a void  
sometimes manifesting itself in going to a club  
though luckily nowhere close to being an alcoholic  
can't stand the taste of beer
 
In addition to being more of an introvert I realize that I am probably not worthy of that type of love
that bond where you are completely at ease with the other person  
 
You are open to show all the sides, the strengths and also the flaws  
the hopes and yes the fears  
aspirations and the desperation  
 
The last two dates sum up the time in Oregon
one who didn't take well to me disclosing that I normally don't date smokers (I disclose that both parents had cancer)  
the other who shared no reciprocity  
refusing to even kiss
and then moving in with a guy she doesn't claim to be romantically in to
 
I have my work, helping my brother who just bought a house in Hawaii
two dogs, though one is admittedly crazy  
I have my books, and my guitar  
even getting back into collection sports cards, I realize my current collection is not economically that hot (market gone)  
 
For me it may be lacking but I have learned to accept that  
 
Quoting Bruce Hornsby, "Just The Way It Is"....