[ SK ] Negative Existence

First, the tv adaptation! Anyone who loves Sci-fi and time-travel ( and who actually hasn't seen this yet ) should love this thriller!  While it received mixed reviews, this novella-turned-TV movie was NOT a disappointment for me. In fact, it's one of my favorite King films. Where it lacked  was special effects, and perhaps the length, somewhat.    
   
As per many King films,  the actors made up for the shortcomings ( although many reviews disagree ). Bronson Pinchot as the psychotic, paper-shredding "Craig Toomey" and Dean Stockwell as "Bob Jenkins" were exceptionally good. I thought they were the best characters and kept things interesting.    
   
This causes you to wonder what it would be like if humans could time travel, and what exactly would happen to us . . .would our complete history be altered and thus our present change?    
   
I would recommend it as a great sci-fi thriller, especially to anyone who is intrigued by time travel and alternate dimensions.    
   
Now for the poem:    
   
Negative Existence  
   
[ Right off the bat your choice of title is intriguing. In a developmental sense ( and as a photographer ) the very word " negative " connotates imagery based on filtered experience, e.g. - underdeveloped . . .developing . . .twilight zone . . .the dark side . . . and so forth.    
   
That you coupled it with "Existence" would indicate the darker side of what could be manipulated while becoming.]    
   
Chomping down HARD    
consuming straight through    
Reality's fabric    
   
[ Brilliant reference of Time consumption, as Time is an illusion of reality in the third dimension. I always look forward to how you weave your phonics through the verse between each line as thread, typically ending with a drawstring of half rhyme pulling it taut. However, in this one it's actually the assonance of a that carries it through, especially in straight / reality / fabric. ]  
   
Void of despair looming    
left behind in their wake    
   
[ see how looming pulls the assonance of o through ( no pun intended ) , and wake  the a and half rhyme of fabric from the previous stanza? This is one of your writing trademarks.]  
   
Wildcard multiplied    
coming straight for you    
   
[ Again with the wake / multiplied half rhyme and you / looming assonance. ]  
   
bent with singular purpose:    
to take, take, take    
   
[ purpose / you / looming assonance and take / multiplied / wake.  I can do this all day! And have actually wanted to regarding your writing! ]    
   
all Love and Happiness away    
   
[ Love / purpose/ you / looming and away / take / multiplied / wake. Not to mention the delicious alliteration between all / and / away coupled with the assonance if a in general. ]    
   
Leaving no Past or Future    
that would ever be recognized    
   
[ Here you shuffle a bit . . .Leaving picks up the alliteration of L in Love and assonance if i in happiness followed through with its half-rhyme, Past / that and recognized. ]    
   
only the longest Today    
you've been dreading    
   
intent upon Dreamscape shredding    
   
[ I can't separate this couplet from the impact of the ensuing line. The alliteration / consonance of d is divine on the tongue! Dreading / Dreamscape / shredding. Even the / longest and been are chiming with the assonance of e. ]  
   
Seems as though    
every fragment of Joy    
is devoured in Creation's    
antithesis    
   
[ I adore the assonance of e carrying from intent to Seems throughout this stanza. Especially with Seems / Creations/ antithesis ( SUCH a great choice of words, btw - especially to end the stanza with. ) Though / Joy / devoured are also awesome assonance with those o's.    
   
I particularly enjoyed the careful choice and placement of words to reiterate the purpose of meaning, i. e. - devoured in Creation's antithesis. ]    
   
letting doubts and fears in    
for the embedding    
until becoming actualized    
   
[ This is where I stumbled . . .especially the first line . . . there's something about the syntax that doesn't seem to flow as lyrically as the previous stanzas.  Maybe it's because it ends with the preposition " in ".    
I'm wondering if there's not a smoother way to rearrange the syntax? While I realize letting / embedding are harmonious, I almost want to lose letting . . .  
   
embedding doubts and fears  
until becoming actualized    
   
To gauge the impact of this alteration I reviewed the previous and ensuing stanzas stanza ( as one is wanton to do when editing your work ). It works beautifully flowing into the next, and I honestly can't tell that big a difference in the transition from the previous.    
   
Yes, you lose a bit of consonance in the t sound; however, not enough to compensate for the awkward flow leaving it as is.    
   
Perhaps you have an alternate suggestion? ]  
   
Blinded    
in a bi-polar    
private Aurora Borealis    
   
[ While this stanza is divine in its B alliteration and i assonance ( not to mention imagery ), I'm wanton to switch private / bi-polar to read as such    
   
Blinded    
in a private    
bi-polar Aurora Borealis    
   
What do you think? ]  
   
DON'T    
you    
dare act surprised    
   
[ I Love how act pulls private in from the previous stanza, accentuating ' are '. . . very appropos! Brilliant, even! Chomp chomp!  Also, there's something so freezing about the phrase " DON'T you date. . ." especially cascaded the way it is.    
   
Borealis and surprised is also lovely consonance of the s. ]  
   
DON'T    
insult    
your own intelligence    
   
[ Ohhhhh that i alliteration coupled with the n consonance throughout the stanza is poetic music! Why not throw in some l consonance for shits & giggles?! ]  
   
YOU and I    
know    
better than to live like this    
   
[ Fabulous stanza! The long i in I / like - contrasted with the short i of  live / this is phonics at its best! Then YOU toss in a couple of long o's and a short . . . mix it with a bit of l alliteration,  and wallah! You have a melodious stanza! ]  
   
Lie after lie    
Positive Affirmation    
over-written by    
   
[ But Wait! Because you're reading today, there's more! The alliteration of L spilling into this stanza is perfect. The consonance of t from better falls beautifully into Positive and written here. ]    
   
Negative Existence    
   
[ Back to the beauty of your title selection. But more than that is the ominous message of a Negative Existence trumping Positive affirmation . . . or perhaps the lie reference infers a particular delusion or nonbelief in such affirmations to have little if any affect on such negativity.    
   
Either way, it causes one to pause and think. . .  
   
Excellent poem that's phonetically perfect except the few noted places I stumbled. Love your newly instilled fire and desire to get her done!  
 
A poem is a terrible thing to waste! ]  
 
The Langoliers. 💜

I LOVE all the Stephen King mini-series(es).

It would be nice if George Lucas had channeled into energies into redoing the special effects of movies other than Star Wars. [nonsense]  

"Blinded  
in a bi-polar
private Aurora Borealis

[ While this stanza is divine in its B alliteration and i assonance ( not to mention imagery ), I'm wanton to switch private / bi-polar to read as such

Blinded
in a private
bi-polar Aurora Borealis"

OMG I originally had it that way!!!!!!!! I switched it at the last moment. I was thinking more along the lines of trimming a syllable from the Borealis line.

I'm wondering though now ....... if this would also work while adding to the rhyme scheme:

"Blinded
in a private
polarized Aurora Borealis"  ?????

"letting doubts and fears in
for the embedding  
until becoming actualized  

[ This is where I stumbled . . .especially the first line . . . there's something about the syntax that doesn't seem to flow as lyrically as the previous stanzas.  Maybe it's because it ends with the preposition " in ".

I'm wondering if there's not a smoother way to rearrange the syntax? While I realize letting / embedding are harmonious, I almost want to lose letting . . .  

embedding doubts and fears
until becoming actualized  

To gauge the impact of this alteration I reviewed the previous and ensuing stanzas stanza ( as one is wanton to do when editing your work ). It works beautifully flowing into the next, and I honestly can't tell that big a difference in the transition from the previous.  

Yes, you lose a bit of consonance in the t sound; however, not enough to compensate for the awkward flow leaving it as is.  

Perhaps you have an alternate suggestion? ]"

As is, it is an awkward stanza that bothered me as well. What you suggested is PERFECT!  

Your grasp of assonance, consonance and alliteration blows my fricken mind. What I focus on is rhyming and timing to what is often a  morphing musicality going on in my head.  These things seem fall into place for me through mostly blind luck.

As always, your critique is on the money, Honey!  💜

Doing the revision now.

" It would be nice if George Lucas had channeled into energies into redoing the special effects of movies other than Star Wars. [nonsense] "     
   
OMG! No truer words . . . ( Well, about the King series, anyway! )  
[NONSENSE] )    
   
" I'm wondering though now ....... if this would also work while adding to the rhyme scheme:    'Blinded   in a private   polarized Aurora Borealis '  ????? "      
   
YES! YES! YES!!! ( the lady at the next table just ordered what I was having! [NONSENSICAL] )      
   
" Your grasp of assonance, consonance and alliteration blows my fricken mind. What I focus on is rhyming and timing to what is often a  morphing musicality going on in my head.  These things seem fall into place for me through mostly blind luck. "      
   
Some also have a natural propensity for rhythmic sounds - you might consciously be paying attention to the musical beat; however, subconsciously I'm sure you're sounding out as well.   
   
Then again, Solomon once said, "Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. "   
   
[/Flips hair nonsensically] !     
   
" As always, your critique is on the money, Honey!  💜 "   
   
I typically say, "If you got the money Honey, I got the time!"   But in YOUR case, it's absolutely FREE ( as long as you halp me wis mah labor )! 💜    

[NONSENSE]  

I feel this, not feeling like existence is worth while

It all is necessary and very enjoyable if you can put aside your doubts and fears long enough to reap the rewards. Thanks for reading.