The Void to Avoid

I've always been sceptical of people who claim to love me whilst coming to the realisation that they don't even feel that way about themselves.
 
Strangely, it's like some ancient law has automatically been broken and it offends me, profoundly. I just, get stuck trying to reconcile the truth of others, and then I resign myself to writing people off.
 
I hate that I do that, and I understand it's a process that's been embedded in the depths of me, since I was a child. It's like the short - circuiting of a fuse, it just happens at the flick of a switch when I'm confronted with the task of processing other people’s feelings, about me, and vice versa.
 
I'm not capable of such tasks, and I don't believe I'm the only one that experiences that sense of disconnect, internally. Inconsistency will guarantee that outcome as I can't cope with inconsistency, whatsoever.
 
I crumble under the pressure whilst trying to recalibrate, and move forward. Always. It is something I'm aware of, in terms of my mode of operation, both emotionally and pyschologically. 
 
Anyone that's ever experienced adversity as a child, knows the importance of trust, and the credibility of one’s word.
 
Once you've been let down one too many times, you develop a proclivity for writing people off, before trying to explore the options to making things better. It's a void that exists within, and it's associated with my vulnerability. 
 
That, I know.
 
I reflect on all the people that have come and gone throughout my life, whom I've disassociated myself with, for one reason or another, and it doesn't seem fair to them, or me.
 
Relationships, have always been a little mysterious to me, in terms of knowing how to navigate my way through them, without affecting the other party - negatively.
 
Apparently, there are two indicatives which indicate transformation, from an internal perspective.
 
If you're learning to stop worrying about the minutiae that unfolds in your life, then you're emerging within a better space, deep within.
 
I can't tap into my creativity, if I'm consistently bound by underlying issues, worries, and burdens alike.
 
I have to learn to let go, and trust in the universe, eventually. Though, I've had my fair share of universal let downs.
 
It's easier to find the synergies within my life, as opposed to turning a blind eye to the gentle coincidences that are forthcoming, reaffirming that I'm on the right pathway.
 
Both, consciously, and subconsciously.
 
Synchronicity, is a miraculous tool to harness if you're able to recognise things as they're forthcoming for you to process. I don't always get it right, in terms of discerning the things I need to discern.
 
I've learnt to trust my instincts, as a default, because trusting my inner voice of reason has been imperative in discerning how to map out my life to ensure I create a stress free lifestyle.
 
I can't be bound or governed by archaic structures that serve me no purpose, other than to hinder my emergence, and ongoing progression, as a holistic being.
 
It's been a double edged sword, even at the best of times.
 
I just, struggle when I can't grasp things. To me, dreams are tangible things that guide me towards my pathway because I trust in my heart, and I trust in the pathways I've taken in my life as I've been able to discern what's what, and who's who in my life.
 
The only thing that renders me a failure, is continuously investing my heart and soul into others who've taken advantage of the bond for their own selfish purposes, and proving me wrong when they behave inconsistent to what they assert themselves to be, in the first instance.
 
At this stage in my life, people aren't afforded the luxury of my time if they continue to do what they do, without any regard to how those things might affect me.
 
Trust, is the intersection to all bonds; both platonically and romantically. However, if you're investing your trust into others, and they're repeatedly breaching that bond, at some stage I have to take ownership of that particular outcome too.
 
It's easier to disconnect, and sever the ties that bind on a deeper level. So, I analyse everything - introspectively, to ascertain what I need to learn. Usually, the short to the long is that very few people are worthy of such trust.
 
It's akin to wondering in the desert, chasing a fucking mirage. My trusting of idiocy throughout my life, has known no bounds, evidently.
 
And, quite frankly, many of us don't have time for such outcomes to weigh us down; both emotionally and psychologically.
 
I abhor depression as it's not my natural state of being, and my mind is triggered into a mode which seeks to eradicate whatever it is, that's triggering that dark cloud and affecting my mood.
 
I can't cope with people who trigger an imbalance within me, from that perspective. It's a valid reason as to why I write people off, in my life.
 
I don't mean to be careless but if someone ever places me in a position where my back is against the wall, I'll walk away, choosing to choose my sanity above and beyond anything or anyone else, in the first instance.
 
Selfish !? Perhaps, however, self preservation is critical as I'm no good to anyone if my disposition is tinged by being incapacitated.
 
My failures are a testimony to the lessons I never seem to grasp throughout my life, when it comes to people that pass through my life.
 
If you can't say what you mean, and mean what you say - wholeheartedly, then why even allow such sentiments to slip past those lips.
 
Evidently, my life consists of too many residual experiences, that I need to unleash myself from.