deepundergroundpoetry.com
... What It Seems
My sisters hated me
For 10 years I was the baby
who got away with everything
in my 11th year I got busted
for cutting school on a Friday
I didn't wanna do it
but when I tried to back out
my fat friend knocked me down
and sat on me 'till it was too late
Saturday afternoon Mom and Don hit a trifecta
and brought me home a shiny new BMX
my sisters went ape shit
Mom blew them off, told me to go ride it
I hated bikes after a mishap
left me bloody and scarred 3 years earlier
Mom knew it
and I knew
The bike wasn't a reward
it was a reminder
Published 18th Aug 2017
| Edited 19th Aug 2017
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The author encourages honest critique.
18th Aug 2017 7:28am
18th Aug 2017 6:39pm
18th Aug 2017 3:35pm
18th Aug 2017 6:38pm
Feedback is always appreciated, I look forward to it when you find the time. 💋
This is a pert'near perfectly composed poem, Trix.
Johnny nailed exactly was I had in mind regarding spaces. Other than that, there are only three other minute things ( and even those are personal preference so don't affect the ).
who always got away with everything
^ 'almost' seems extraneous with 'everything'.
To me, 'everything' implies 'always' in this context, unless there was an addendum contrasting it, i.e. "who got away with everything except rudeness, etc."
The only other was the final ( now ) couplet:
The bike wasn't reward
it was a reminder
I keep wanting to precede reward with 'a'. I realize that you use it in the next line, but sometimes it works. A perfect example is how you use "knew" in a preceding stanza:
Mom knew it
and I knew
At any rate, these a nitpick preferences that in no way affect the solid structure it already is.
The toughest Love comes from the Heart of what appears terrifyingly unjust or confusing at the time. Especially when the administrator is a parent. It's those lessons we carry for the rest of our lives. And, based on my own experience, certainly never forget. "[Y]ikes" indeed.
It leaves a hollow feeling in the gut; a sucker punch.
Johnny nailed exactly was I had in mind regarding spaces. Other than that, there are only three other minute things ( and even those are personal preference so don't affect the ).
who always got away with everything
^ 'almost' seems extraneous with 'everything'.
To me, 'everything' implies 'always' in this context, unless there was an addendum contrasting it, i.e. "who got away with everything except rudeness, etc."
The only other was the final ( now ) couplet:
The bike wasn't reward
it was a reminder
I keep wanting to precede reward with 'a'. I realize that you use it in the next line, but sometimes it works. A perfect example is how you use "knew" in a preceding stanza:
Mom knew it
and I knew
At any rate, these a nitpick preferences that in no way affect the solid structure it already is.
The toughest Love comes from the Heart of what appears terrifyingly unjust or confusing at the time. Especially when the administrator is a parent. It's those lessons we carry for the rest of our lives. And, based on my own experience, certainly never forget. "[Y]ikes" indeed.
It leaves a hollow feeling in the gut; a sucker punch.
19th Aug 2017 2:43am
Dang it Bo, I don't know how many times I look at this and missed that mission a, lol. I waffled on the always because I agree it's not necessary, but that's exactly how they said it "she ALWAYS gets away with EVERYTHING!" however, as it does bug me a bit too as a reader I'm gonna go with you and have removed it. Thanks for the eyes on this doll 💋 As to tough love, lol mom was a highly intelligent manic depressive alcoholic with a cruel streak, still recovering from her own fucked up childhood. She and I understood one another on a level my sisters never did and sometimes she hated me for seeing too much. We found our peace with one another eventually and she lived with me for the last 4 years of her life.
19th Aug 2017 11:58am
You know, intuitively I'd initially written "cruel", but edited because I didn't want to infer publicly that your mother was cruel. But the underlying tone of this was just that. You nailed it. And I'm glad it worked out at the end. Peace is a beautiful thing. ❤
18th Aug 2017 6:28pm
I recommend a space between the first to lines and the last two lines.
Otherwise .... yikes.
Otherwise .... yikes.
18th Aug 2017 6:36pm
