deepundergroundpoetry.com

I am selfish and think what I think...

I struggle. I admit it.
I have lost both parents.
What I really struggle with is keeping these thoughts to myself when I hear well-meaning family and friends speak these "words to help me." And I do appreciate every last well-meaning thought, but I am selfish and think what I think. So, to keep myself in line - I am just going to let it out right here. Right now. I cannot tell how many times I have heard these utterances from close, well-meaning family and friends...but one thing is for certain - no one can know my feelings, no one can deny my feelings - no one can feel what I feel. Just as I have no way of knowing anyone else's feelings. I just need to get this off my chest.
Here goes...
I hear........ Oh dear, I am so sorry.
I think........Really, for what? What the hell are you sorry for?  
I hear.........I know how you feel.
I think........You may have lost someone and know how YOU feel, but no one but ME knows how I feel
I hear.........I wish there were something I could do.
I think.........Well, how about instead of wishing, try asking and then doing it if you are going to offer - just tell me you will be thinking of me and pray for me if you really do not intend to help me
I hear.........Call me if you need me
I think.........Why, so you can avoid my call or send me to voice mail or tell me you don't have time or just ignore me?
I hear.........It will get better
I think.........What will get better? My parents being dead will get better? Do you know how stupid that sounds?
I hear..........It will get easier
I think..........Not easier, different, if you have not lost a parent, you will find this out and you are in for a rude awakening and if you have lost a parent and you say that - what the hell?
I hear...........In time you will forget
I think..........I'm sorry, what damn planet are you from that you forget your mom and dad are dead?
I hear...........It was just their time and they are in a better place
I think..........Well hell, call me the most selfish person on the planet but I still want them here with me
I hear...........You should be over it already
I think (and this I will say)...........Fuck you
I hear...........You should not do that or think or feel that way
I think...........Well now, maybe YOU SHOULD take your own advice
I hear............You are wrong, not everybody is like that or will do you that way or you should not go to the cemetery so much, or look at pictures so much, or cry so much
I think...........I am grieving and need to do it my way

 
Written by cnbsoulmates
Published
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