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This is My Sign

There is a very kind woman speaking to me now.

She has talked with me pretty much all day long.

She is helping me. Guiding me.

I wonder if you know... The extent of what you did to me.

Though you did absolutely nothing. And absolutely nothing wrong.

You were just being a human being. And being young. And trying to enjoy your own life.

This kind woman... She has told me. Refrain. For only an hour. Then maybe an hour more.

I feel I need to reach out. I miss them so much. I need them so much.

I did something so foolish last night. I tried to be young again. I went to a club... I drank and tried to be decades younger than I am.

But now I am in purgatory.

I am withholding from myself everything I love, everything I have needed and craved ever since I can remember.

I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

With you... Everything you were, everything so wonderful and right... Just being close to you, just being at your side on my back porch. Smelling you and feeling you next to me. Laughing with you... Watching silly videos with you...

It got in my head. It got inside my head and took root and started sprouting. The things you did for me, to me... Were everything I've ever wanted. The way you caressed my fingers in your hand... I will never forget your face. I'll never forget the fact I was so much older than you but you were taller than me, and bigger and more real and larger than life in every way.

You were better than me in every way. I was a little girl next to you, and it was wonderful.

I wonder if you know what you've caused to happen to me... My face is a dead wasteland today. I have not talked to a male all day long. It feels so strange... And I need a male, I need to hear a male perspective, I need to hear about a male's life, about his thoughts and ideas and dreams and wants and wishes.

Because of you... I am not letting myself today.

She is telling me it is okay that I am still the same in my heart. I still crave what I have craved ever since I was young. I can't ever remember a time not being so acutely aware of males.

I am trying to redefine myself... It is difficult. I know I love creative things. I know I love writing and music and films and art... And I love the human condition. I love human feeling and experience, I love human beings.

But... I love so very much one particular half of the human race the most.

I miss you so terribly. Though I did not know you at all. I knew really nothing about you. Though you told me much that night. You stayed with me so very long, at least to me... No one ever stays with me that long.

I can't forget your face. The way your eyes crease when you laugh. I will never forget the delicious smell of you. I have never smelled anything so wonderful as you.

This house... Little objects fill me with so much pain today. Everything was defined in my life by one certain half of the human race... I moved for them, I did my laundry for them. I lived for them and ate for them and slept for them.

I realize now you are never coming back. I need to keep writing quickly so I don't linger too long on this sentence.

I just don't know how... Who...To become now. Who am I? I only know this huge part of myself. The love, the longing, the worship, the need, the craving, the yearning...

I was a little girl. My stepdad took me on the jobs in his truck, because he was an engineer and a homebuilder. I remember being in the front seat with him... I remember how he always seemed like a cold frozen icy rock to me. I remember thinking... If I don't shuffle or make too much noise, if I ask him about his life and boyhood... If I do everything right...

If I'm a good little girl...

Maybe he'll love me.

I realize today... I could never be a good enough little girl for you to love me.

Or need me just a little.

So I let you free. And she told me, don't post anywhere, don't leave a sign. Refrain.

But I can't. I have to leave a tiny bread crumb somewhere.

A tiny little mark that said... I was here. And I loved so deeply. Maybe there was something wrong with me... But.. I felt so much.

Especially for you.

And this is my sign.

I love you, Tyler.

Always.
Written by toniscales (Lost Girl)
Published
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