An Aeon of Episodic Memory

First, a Buddhist parable  
   
“The True Sound of Truth  
   
A devoted meditator, after years concentrating on a particular mantra, had attained enough insight to begin teaching. The student's humility was far from perfect, but the teachers at the monastery were not worried.  
   
A few years of successful teaching left the meditator with no thoughts about learning from anyone; but upon hearing about a famous hermit living nearby, the opportunity was too exciting to be passed up.    
 
The hermit lived alone on an island at the middle of a lake, so the meditator hired a man with a boat to row across to the island. The meditator was very respectful of the old hermit. As they shared some tea made with herbs the meditator asked him about his spiritual practice. The old man said he had no spiritual practice, except for a mantra which he repeated all the time to himself. The meditator was pleased: the hermit was using the same mantra he used himself -- but when the hermit spoke the mantra aloud, the meditator was horrified!    
   
‘What's wrong?’ asked the hermit.    
‘I don't know what to say. I'm afraid you've wasted your whole life! You are pronouncing the mantra incorrectly!’    
   
‘Oh, Dear! That is terrible. How should I say it?’    
   
The meditator gave the correct pronunciation, and the old hermit was very grateful, asking to be left alone so he could get started right away. On the way back across the lake the meditator, now confirmed as an accomplished teacher, was pondering the sad fate of the hermit.    
   
‘It's so fortunate that I came along. At least he will have a little time to practice correctly before he dies.’ Just then, the meditator noticed that the boatman was looking quite shocked, and turned to see the hermit standing respectfully on the water, next to the boat.    
   
‘Excuse me, please. I hate to bother you, but I've forgotten the correct pronunciation again. Would you please repeat it for me?’    
   
‘You obviously don't need it,’ stammered the meditator; but the old man persisted in his polite request until the meditator relented and told him again the way he thought the mantra should be pronounced.  
 
The old hermit was saying the mantra very carefully, slowly, over and over, as he walked across the surface of the water back to the island.”  
   
Copyright © 2003 Dharma Haven  
   
..  
Om Ah Hum Vajra Guru Padma Siddhi Hum  
..  
   
1.  
The Triumph of Gravitational Forces Over Nuclear Immolation  
   
Train's metallic  
Moan  
Nearby in the  
East  
   
Frogs’  
Lunatic  
Chorus in the  
Reservoir  
   
Fireflies  
Glinting in the  
Tall  
Grass  
   
Motes of  
Simple  
Magic  
   
Air is wet  
As bruised  
Fruit  
Swells with  
Humors  
That  
Whirl and  
Circle  
About me  
Dry  
As the  
Jeers of  
Harpies  
Divinely sent to  
Torment  
Me  
   
I was 25, getting drunk with friends on Independence Day. We built a bonfire in the street. Crazy ass Robbie throwing full boxes of mortars on the fire. We are standing right over it, drinking, swaying on our feet, explosions in every direction. I walk away and sit on the driveway and am struck in the back of the leg. Ruined my best work slacks, burned a hole in the back of my calf. It was unrelenting agony and took about 4 months to heal. I would walk in the surf every night after work to clean it out. The pain followed me into dreams, taking on the form of external tormentors. Unshakable biting and gnawing insects and madmen, whom I fought and from whom I desperately fled, to no avail.  
   
Every living  
Step  
Hell  
Bent  
Into the  
Shadow of  
Death  
And the constant  
Shear of the  
Irony  
Leaves me  
Brittle  
And  
Jagged as  
Rust  
Sharp and  
Swollen with  
Poison and secreted  
Tomes  
Of ancient  
Discarded  
Knowings  
Rattle in this  
Cage of  
Contagion and  
Self  
   
My Saturn in Leo. Look on me. See this discipline.    
   
..  
   
2.  
The Somatic Breathing of Zoetic Stars  
   
There are intermittent  
Flashes  
Searing the  
Night  
Sky to  
Sudden  
Life in the  
Northwest  
   
Mjolnir falls to  
Anvil  
Distant  
Sparks  
Fly  
The scream of  
Struck  
Metal  
Lost  
Upon  
Leagues of  
Silence  
   
All is vibrating  
Strings  
Aching with  
Unsung  
Violence  
   
All of this  
Sings of  
Love  
Purpose and the  
Inevitable  
Destiny  
   
All about me is  
Gray in  
Shades of  
Ghost  
All is vapid  
Obfuse and  
Old  
   
Voices  
Echo through the  
Burrows of the  
Graveyard  
World  
   
Water  
Funnels through the  
Fjords  
   
Salt  
Sparkles on the  
Flats  
   
All is spoken  
Theory  
Singing  
Metalworks and  
Silent  
Stones  
Whose  
Wizened  
Hands  
Fold into  
Fevered  
Prayer  
   
A symphony  
Of insects  
Wings  
Limbs drawn into  
Bows of  
Violins  
Upon the  
Unfolded  
Palms of  
Prairies  
   
A poet  
True  
Is a  
Lens into a  
Universe of  
Discovery  
Sorrows  
Sweet with  
Passion’s  
Fruit and  
A momentary  
Glimpse into the  
Miraculous  
Is not a  
Sneering  
Surgical  
Tool of  
Sophistry and  
Dissections  
Of perceived  
Flaws  
My  
Sometimes  
Foolish  
Friends  
   
I know  
We’ve all  
Occasion  
To stumble    
   
How this comes  
Together  
From the  
All  
Light  
And then  
Through this  
Receptacle    
Reminds me to be  
Mindful  
Of the  
Super  
Symmetry and  
Design that is  
Beyond  
Me  
And  
Beyond the  
Artifice of  
Clever  
Device  
   
What  
Occurs  
How it  
Sunders  
And  
Restores  
Me  
Into a new  
Whole  
Renders  
Stinging  
Blows  
And how  
Those  
Strikes  
Sing  
To me  
   
I feel the  
Weave  
The message  
Becoming  
That I  
Discover  
Only in  
Fruition  
Of the  
Mosaic  
Tapestry  
   
Last spring I got a rat in my walls and floor. Killed it with poison and it was even kind enough to go outside and die, but it left a nest in the floor or wall somewhere. The rat mites, tiny spiders, having lost the rat to feed off of, came inside to find a meal, me.    
   
I could ill afford the several thousand dollars exterminators required to tent the house with poison or rip up the walls to find the nest, so instead, I suffered. It took over a year for them to finally die out and it was an awful torment, a pestilence, having bugs on me all the time. Could hardly sleep. And this was by far the worst that I have suffered.  
   
As long as this  
Fire  
Keeps  
Burning  
There will be a  
Collision and a  
Reckoning  
An accounting  
Occasionally  
Lost to the  
Ages  
As in our sometimes  
Egomaniacal  
Ignorance  
We are lost  
To each  
Other  
And no  
Longer  
Brothers  
   
Upon a graven  
Tablet  
A parchment  
Held  
Apart from the  
Ravages of the time  
Wheel and  
Acidic  
Breath  
Of the curious  
And baleful  
Onlooker  
By a thin  
Skin of  
Glass  
Or here  
In this digital  
Landscape  
   
An aeon of episodic memory  
Recounting and following how everything began  
With a few occurrences  
And a few  
With only one    
   
My Neptune in Sagittarius. Pluto square in my ascendant. Feel your gaze bent upon me. Perceive what you are able. Mutter, snigger, as necessary. Dismiss what is uncomfortable. Eye see you.  
   
..  
   
3.  
The Transformation of Nuclear Ash Into Iron  
   
Sweat on my  
Brow  
Gathers upon the  
Furrows  
Peers from  
Pores  
As eyes through  
Vacant  
Doors  
Creep  
Wordlessly  
   
Mindless insects  
Chirp their  
Automaton  
Tune  
   
Clouds have  
Clothed the  
Naked  
Moon into  
Dim  
Opacity  
   
In the  
Cold  
Halls that  
Lie  
Between  
Us  
We are  
Occasioned to  
Lose  
Faith  
Fix upon this  
Meter of  
Nothing and  
Call it the  
Answer  
When it is the  
Pause  
Between the  
Breaths  
Of the  
Question  
   
In the  
Silence  
Between  
Sounds  
Where  
Music  
Lives  
   
I met a girl playing Everquest when I was 23. She was one of thousands of little avatars running around, but I felt this gravity pulling me to her. I just started gushing my heart out, a total stranger.  
   
We were on the phone after a week, in person after 3 months. She was sweet and goofy and beautiful. She was my first girlfriend though and with the distance between us, I was jealous and paranoid.  
   
Sometime after she broke it off with me, one day, she was playing a new character. I am running along in the game and there is this feeling again. Undeniable gravity. Again, I start pouring my heart out. It was the same girl. She was astounded. That's powerful kismet.  
   
We were on and off the next 18 months. She didn't tell me, but when I saw her on our penultimate occasion together, I knew she'd slept with someone else. I brought her home with me and we spent a week together. Every night after she fell asleep, I would walk the streets and weep. I didn't say anything, because I wanted every moment I could get with her to be wonderful.  
   
I drive her home, I'm in her room, noticed she had a book of pictures, all of my very handsome best friend. Another heart break.  
   
Later, she was accepting all these expensive gifts from a man in San Diego. She invited me up for a concert. I steeled myself. At the concert, I just stood there, stock still in a sea of motion.  
   
At Steak n Shake after, I asked her friends to leave so we could talk. She was nervous. “You're like a stone.” She said. I told her, accepting these gifts makes a promise to him, even if you don't. I told her she had to give everything back or we were over. She refused, I said, we're over. How she wept. Hysterically.  
   
I took her home, slept in the guest bedroom, exhausted from many hours of driving. I slid a note that said goodbye under her door before she woke and I left.  
   
It took about 5 years for me to get over her. Dark times when I just drowned in work and partying. Never fell in love again.  
   
You were the  
Sun  
Kissed  
Leaf  
Whose  
Mottled  
Skin  
Bore the  
Marbled  
Mark  
Of  
Constant  
Memory  
Withheld  
From the  
Grasping  
Want of  
Utter  
Void  
   
You were the  
Sodden  
Leaf that  
Floated  
Past  
Me  
On a  
Brook of  
Inconstant  
Waters  
Lax with  
Surrender  
To the embracing  
Current  
Swept into  
God  
Knows what  
Hell  
Oblivion  
   
Feel the  
Vibrational  
Energy that  
Concusses  
Molecules into  
Rapid  
Agitation  
   
Feel the  
Thunder that is my  
Unstoppable  
Pendular  
Voice  
   
This auspicious  
Alignment of  
Planets  
Their energetic  
Orbits  
Burning through my  
Blood  
   
I am not  
Perfect  
Nor ever  
Claimed  
To be  
That is your  
Unreasonable  
Demand  
Your refuge of  
Fear  
   
I am  
Entirely  
Nothing  
Constantly  
Changing  
And  
Inimically  
Myself  
   
All of these  
All  
At once  
   
Drawing to the  
Surface  
That which must be  
Destroyed  
In both of us  
The Jupiter Effect  
   
Venus, Mars, Uranus and my north node in Scorpio, feel it forming this unbreakable stellium of spirit and self.  
   
Hear the untrammeled metronome of my dauntless heart beating.  
   
..  
Om Mane Padme Hum  
..  
   
An Aeon of Episodic Memory  
By  
Daniel Christensen  
Writing as  
The Fire Elemental

Copyright © 2017 by Daniel Christensen. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher.