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New Ones

(I know it's a trying time for me right now. I appreciate the opportunity to express myself.)

Hi Daddy. I'm writing you again. You just
Ripped me new ones on the phone.
Though you're trying to help. You don't
Know how much I love you. I just can't
Tell you now. You're so very mean to me
Daddy. You're so angry... The things you
Say... You really have so much hatred
Towards me. I'm reeling from it right now.
I was okay this morning, I was hopeful...
You're just... Merciless. You have no clue
How desperately I need you to love and
Accept me right now. Having you back
In my life is so painful to me right now,
And of course so wonderful at the same
Time. Daddy. After talking to you just
Now... I feel like... I'm broken again.
I was feeling better this morning. I feel
Worthless again. I feel... Utterly worthless
And useless after talking to you. I can't
Stop crying now. I had planned to do a lot
Of things today, and I'm thrown off course
Again. The things you say... The way you
See me inside your head... It's sad. You
Really don't know me at all I guess. Your
Voice... It trembles in anger and hatred.
Daddy. I need your help right now, I feel
Bad that I do. But... I don't know if I can
Handle this with you every day now. I'm in
So much pain now from just talking to you.
I was okay earlier, I was happy and hopeful.
I'm not okay anymore. You really hate me
I guess. I was hoping you didn't. I was
Hoping you could somehow see how
Much I wish you could... Accept me.
How much I need to know you think
I'm ok. That I'm a cool chick. You don't
Think that at all. You think I can't stand
You, that I despise you. You don't know
How much I admire you, how I tell
Everyone I know how cool and badass
My Daddy is. Daddy. I'm having a big
Problem right now. I think it has so much
To do with you. When guys have written
Me today, angry I won't respond... I'm not
Dealing with it very well. I feel like...
The anger in men... It bewilders me.
I thought if I went along with your
Impression of me in your head I could
Somehow diffuse you, like a bomb.
It only seems to be getting worse the
More we talk. Your mom, Daddy,
Unfortunately she did her best as a mom
With you. But she seemed to have kind of
Pulled a Norman Bates with you about
Women. And you still see me in that
Light. You think I'm this woman inside
Who... You don't know I'm such a scared
Little girl. I'm so scared and anxious and
Alone and worried and confused about
So many things. I guess... I'm going to
Have to just take you as you are. Take
The deep well of anger and hatred inside
You. It's just... I can't separate it from
Myself right now. I'm too weak and
Vulnerable right now. Every mean word
You say to me right now is like a knife
In me. I'm pretty sure you're going to run
Errands today. We've agreed we're
Meeting up tomorrow instead. Maybe...
I'll feel better after a while. I'm not feeling
Too hot right now. Not after we talked.
I guess... I'll try to keep going today
Daddy. Put one foot in front of the other.
I love you very much, though you don't
Believe it, you say you never will. I hope
You have a good day running errands
Today, my wonderful amazing Daddy.
Written by toniscales (Lost Girl)
Published
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