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Fumbling Yet Answered Prayers

I'm so sorry for this tonight. I guess... It just needed to come out. Thanks to everyone on Deep Underground Poetry, the best poetry site on the net.

(For my father. With so very much love.)

Daddy. I heard your distinctive knock
On my back door this afternoon. I
Must not have heard you at the front
Door. I knew instantaneously it was
You. You always knock that rhythm
Exactly three times. The famous​
Da ta ta da ta. Da ta. The tears pooled
Instantly in my eyes. I thought, my
Daddy is here. He loves me again.
He's come to save me. I wrenched
Open the door, and there you were
In your glory. So very tall always,
You're more than seventy years old
But you don't look it. Platinum blond
Mohawk, huge skull pendant
Necklaces, leather jacket and skull
Motorcycle rings on every finger.
I can't describe the happiness I felt
Inside. I wanted to start bawling in
Joy and relief but I didn't let myself,
I wanted to be on my best behavior
For you. You took me to Whataburger.
I haven't had a burger in so long. We
Talked... You'd printed out a message
I'd sent long ago on your Facebook.
I don't really remember much about
The letter I wrote you that day. You
Had bought a package of colored
Highlighter markers. You spent some
Time highlighting things I'd written
To you. I do remember I was hurt
And angry that day. You read things
I'd written, that now I can't honestly
Remember saying. I had mentioned
My birthday of course. You needed
To defend yourself, and I understand
Completely. So I let you just talk,
Because I know you well, you need
To be heard, you work best when I
Don't counter or say anything. The
Hope surged in my heart to learn
You don't in fact hate me, you were
Just scared because of things I'd
Idly threatened in hurt and rage and
Confusion. For the first time I felt
Such hope in me. I was listening to
Who you are, the things in you I've
Always loved and admired. Your
Mathematical gift, your brilliance and
Corny humor I inherited. The fact I
Know you're a gifted teacher of young
Troubled kids rejected by the system.
Kids only you seem to be able to
Reach. I know you saw Metallica
When they came a few weeks ago,
You're a total metalhead along with
Being a gifted jazz bassist. I let you
Keep talking. I told you a while ago,
I had broken down and confessed
That since Mom died, I'd gotten on
These sites I shouldn't have, because
There has always been this horrible
Need in me to be beautiful and
Desirable and appealing to men. As
You talked and I heard my brother
Isn't perfect like I'd always thought
In my mind, and that it was obvious
You still care about me and need me
But were just afraid of what I'd
Written in that message you had
Printed out in front of us which you
Were highlighting in different pretty
Colors like mad... I thought to myself,
I don't think I need those boys
Anymore Daddy. Now I know finally,
Now I think for the first time in 43
Years I know my Daddy really loves
Me, I don't need their approval
Anymore, something I've craved so
Hungrily for about a year since Mom
Passed away. I waited patiently and
Excitedly to tell you... But you
Wouldn't seem to stop about that
Letter that I barely remember now...
You said I know why you wrote me
Toni, don't try to con me, I know you
Can never find it in your heart to
Forgive me for not being there for
You as a child, so don't play games
With me. I of course thought about
The words I could refute you on this
As you kept talking heatedly. But...
Something in me started to die
Again. The hope began to die the
More I realized it would only make it
Worse if I told you just how much I
Love and need you in my life and
Crave to know you always loved me
And that I'm actually okay as a
Person and as a woman, I'm bearable
To be around... But... It was like I
Knew if I tried to explain this to you...
You'd hurt me again I think. I was so
Vulnerable and open to you today.
For about a year, as I've already told
You before, I have tried to be as
Enticing and attractive and accessible
Yet undemanding and unbothersome
To men as I can be. And Daddy...
For some reason during these past
Few days it finally hit me. I'm really
Nothing to them. I'm constantly used
And discarded Daddy. I'm like a
Living breathing washcloth to them.
I had hoped in my heart if I made
Things easy for them it would be like
Some kind of reverse psychology...
Daddy, it failed epically. It backfired
Completely in my face, and I wrote
You in the aftermath of the complete
Devastation of my personal and
Financial life. You kept holding up
That letter in anger in front of my
Face tonight. I wanted to throw my
Arms around you, to tell you
Somehow I have been searching for
You in them for so long, hoping
They could somehow tell me I
Deserved your love and acceptance.
And now I really don't think I need
Them to tell me what they could
Never do in the first place anymore.
But after a while, while you still kept
Talking in anger, I started to feel so
Tired, so weary, so hopeless. I
Realized suddenly you wouldn't
Believe me if I told you what I was
Feeling inside tonight, how just from
Sitting with you in a noisy hamburger
Restaurant I've had the greatest
Epiphany of my life over why I do
The things I do... But I knew if you
Rejected me tonight, it would utterly
Devastate me. So I remained quiet
And well behaved the rest of the time
We were together. You said you'll
Never believe I can forgive you. That
You know who I really am is the
Woman who wrote that angry
Confused scared letter to you. Just
Be honest with me from now on,
You kept saying. Don't bullshit me.
I know why you're here, you're only
Here because you're rock bottom
And need my help. I even mentioned
God tonight to you, because I know
You love God and Jesus so much, I
Wanted you to know somehow I've
Been trying to talk to God lately,
Especially at night, asking Him if
He's still up there, if he might let me
Have another chance with Him, if
He could possibly forgive me for
The things I've done. I was hoping
You'd be happy and proud of me.
You didn't seem to hear me though.
You started talking about the correct
Way to pray, and I felt sad and lost
And weary and left out again for
Some reason. I wish I could
Somehow make you believe just
How much I love you and need you,
How I've searched for your love
And validation in every guy I've ever
Met in my life, not that it's an excuse
For the bad things I did. But it
Became so apparent that if I tried to
Tell you that our night together would
End disastrously. So I just shut my
Mouth and let you talk the whole
Time, and say things like you know
I'm just conning you. I'm just using
You. But it seems somehow you're
More okay with that than the truth.
And you're picking me up tomorrow,
And we're going to talk about the
Bills I owe and my plans to get
Self sufficient again. I wish I could
Tell you that because of you I'm
Leaving the boys alone tonight. I just
Want to write, and think, unless he's
Nice and won't expect things I can't
Just give away anymore with what I
Realize so fully now from eating
French fries with you earlier. Because
What I gave away I thought was so
Precious wasn't in the end
Very important to them. I wish...
I could tell you right now just how
Much I desperately love and forgive
You for being away all the time when
I was a kid. I know right now it's not
A good time to tell you that. You
Were always someone who spoke
A lot about actions. Actions
Outshining words. I think I'll
Remember this. I'm going to show
You somehow just how much I
Love you. And forgive you. And how
Much when you knocked on my
Back door this afternoon I truly
Felt God was with me, and smiling
Down on me, and answering my
Fumbling imprecise yet desperate
Prayers. I love you Daddy. Forever.
Written by toniscales (Lost Girl)
Published
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