A Fat Girls Wish(if only)

only me just me all of me
I wish that I was about half of what I've become
heavier than I been ever
if only I could have surgery t
that miraculously took the weight away
I think if only I wasn't such a good cook
if  only meth wasn't illegal lol
if only my metabolism was as quick as my youth
if only I could stay dedicated and true to exercise and diet
if only food wasn't soo good
if only yoga did more than help with pain
if only skinny propaganda didn't run through my brain
if only I hated ice cream and midnight cereal
if only laziness caused dramatic muscle sculpting
if only I had the low self-esteem weight usually adds
if only i could hop on the bulimic fads
I wouldn't feel so sad
 if only i wasn't so mad
when i look in the mirror
if only i could just give a shit
 but yet another hour goes wasted as her i sit
my addiction is food and that wouldnt be bad
except I give into the hunger that is a constant
if there were an Olympics for ultimate consumption
I may even enter and finally win something
once upon a time I cared
 but now that nursery rhyme is
is not I swallowed a fly
 dammit I swallowed a pie
and whatever else I so fancied
I wouldn't need to shop for clothes
thank god there's no food overdose
well id sit and write more
but my blood sugars low
and my hunger grows  
and this much I know
that if I don't stop eating
it's only myself I'm deceiving
addicted to the comfort that a full tummy gives
but hating the consequences of it too
oh if only I could have control instead of food controlling me