To My Dad Today

(Very sorry. Something I needed to get out today.)

Daddy. You will not speak to me
Anymore. I know I was never really
Your thing. You always seemed...
A world away. You were lost in things
That I didn't understand, I had no clue
About. I learned much later... Your
Mom when you were a kid. She must
Have been frightening honestly. I
Can't imagine the way she must have
Talked to you. About women, about
Dirt and filth, about you. And your
Dad... I always remember him in my
Mind's eye jumping on trains, taking
A flying leap on anything that would
Take him far away from you. When he
Wasn't taking you out to country
Roads and ​forcing you to fight him.
I remember you packing and chipping
Giant blocks of ice as a teenager to
Feed your family. I see you on the
Navy ship playing stand up bass in
The band. And going mad from
Loneliness and learning guitar
Chords. It seems I'm your daughter,
You were as pulled by the opposite
Sex as I was. I think they always
Were more important to you, those
Really pretty girls... I tried to look
And dress like them, hoping you'd
Like me more. Daddy... I'm thinking
About you today. You always seemed
To hate me so much. Even when I
Was a little girl. You were always so
Angry. So volatile. I had to watch
Everything I said to you. You despise
Me for my birthday. I was so tired
That night. We'd been together for
Almost three hours. I thought I
Behaved. I thought I was a good
Girl. When you lit the candles on my
Cake, something just happened inside
Me... I was so stressed and worried
About certain things. But you said I
Ruined my birthday for everyone
Because I started crying. I'd
Ached to go back home Daddy. I'd
Wanted to see a different kind of
Daddy that night. It was my birthday
You know... Daddy. You used to bring
Me dollar store food. You were so
Nice. I'd kill for that now. I'd give my
Limbs for some Chef Boyardee. I
Keep thinking about that guy you
Told me about in Vietnam. The
Story about the Hershey bars​... I
Won't go there today Daddy. I don't
Like to think about those guys in the
War Daddy, young guys... What they
Were thinking about and going
Through and possibly suffering.
I want to write you today Daddy. But
I don't want to see where you've
Read the message on your Facebook
And just aren't answering me. For
Some reason today I don't want to
Know you just don't care. Not today.
But I'm thinking about you. I wonder
If you ever think about me anymore.
I'll never forget when my brother
Graduated from high school. The
Big party you gave him at the banquet
Hall, how I watched you throw your
Arms around him, laugh and hug
Him close. You and I never had
Anything remotely like that ever. I
Still wonder why I was never worthy
Of your love. I keep wondering what's
Wrong with me... There seems to be
Something people don't like about
Me. You'd be proud though Daddy.
I decided to give up boys for the most
Part finally. If someone comes along
Who really likes me, and there's a
Connection, yes... But in so many
Ways I'm hiding out from people
Right now. Daddy. I'm going to
Survive this, I've decided. When they
Shut everything off next week I'll
Just keep going. In a week I'll be
Able to eat again. I'm so stubborn
Now. I can't give up on my dreams
Daddy. I think you taught me that
In many ways. I still remember the
Picture of you on the album cover
You made with Doc Severinsen
When you were a young man. It
Was like I was staring at the face
Of every boy I've ever really loved.
Maybe that's strange. Maybe Freud
Would be happy. You were always
So handsome in my eyes. Daddy.
I'm going to make it. I have to. And it's
Because I was a little girl who loved
And admired her Daddy very much.
I'm still hoping I find someone like
You. I'm going to bed now Daddy. It's
How I can deal with the worry and
Hunger. But I will survive. I will. But
I love you Daddy, and I'll always be
Your little baby girl.