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Utterly Hopeless

I'm doing the stupid Toni stuff I do today when someone has obliterated my world. Your stolen without permission (aka screenshot) picture from the dating app we met on is already splashed gloriously all over my phone's wallpaper, you quickly replaced Francisco Lachowksy in all his ideal male glory (and I've already quoted Shakespeare on his Instagram like the dumbass I am), and I spent a familiar half a minute rearranging icons so your beautiful face wouldn't be obscured from my view. I'm trying to call the electric company but it's lunch time and no one is answering. I'm scared they're going to cut off the power again and I'm already out of money for the month. I'd forced myself the other day to buy a cheap laptop at the pawn shop, I thought to myself I really need to work in some capacity, I need to stop being a deadbeat loser and be just a plain loser (as I told all my friends on my snap story), though I probably need to get on my knees at McDonald's and worship the manager like I worship the dudes. My daughter's friend Trey is driving me crazy today, though I love him so much, he's like my son I never had, and I know a lot of people probably think badly of me because I chill with him. He's the only person in my city who can stand my insanity for extended periods of time, and for some reason actually goes out of his way to seek the crazy out. It's probably cuz we're both really lost children who didn't get a lot of love as kids, we speak the same language it seems. He's 18 and I'm the same age as his mom. And nothing is going on between us, he doesn't share the opinion I'm a hot cougar like some crazy boys seem to do. I've decided not to tell you I'm really in my heart done with all other males after what you said. I don't think you really meant it or cared, I think it was late at night and everyone knows how people can get at night, you get lonely and the hormones start raging. I've decided I'm leaving your ass alone, like I've become a pro at with guys. What's sad is I think I'm going to have to return the laptop for the money. I had to pick out the ultimate male wallpaper for it, and there's a certain adult film star everyone knows I worship, but I can't think about him anymore because I know he'd laugh my fat old ass to kingdom come. I'd be reduced to a pile of infant tears on the floor. So a lovely shirtless pic of Mr. Lachowksy graces the screen, but not even he is satisfactory to me today. No one can be you. I know it was all a pipe dream in my head with you. But I'm really happy you're technically still writing me, that you used the special (to me) words Write me when you feel like it. I'm happy you're here. In whatever shape or capacity. I'm definitely thinking about you today. I think it's painfully obvious. And your ass ain't gonna know today I am. And I'm a complete fool. And I've been this way forever, the crazy in me for the boys and masters hasn't gone away in four long 1 plus zeroes, and I don't think there's ever going to be any help for me. Now I'll walk to the strip club (aka Stripes) and buy munchies with Trey with the few green slips I have left. And hopefully get him off my old ass for a while today, so I can figure myself out and the bills and the fact I know our foreclosure is imminent now, we'll have three weeks to the day we get the letter, and they'll be coming to padlock our asses out. Get your purse and phone and shit and git. But I'm thinking about you today. And if you leave I'll cry like a baby for about an hour or two, and I'll buck up like I always do and get over it. I hope you're having a blast today whatever you're doing. You're definitely on my mind. And I'm one hundred percent utterly hopeless.
Written by toniscales (Lost Girl)
Published
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