[ Lesbian ] [ Erotica ] Best Friends Forever

Ladies, maybe I'm being my own worst critic, but I don't feel my best work is coming out lately.

The work itself is beautiful, but could use some tightening. I had planned on critiquing now that I'm settled in for the evening.

Give me a few.

I'm all for tightness.

First, this is a delightful poem that touches a childhood chord of both friendship and fairytale book. I can invision them both in their respective beds giggling like school girls on the phone or computer nowadays!  

While I found the overall story enchanting as is, there are a few places where I feel you could tighten it up ( So I'm happy you're into that :) )

We'll be  
best friends forever  
she said, sentiments  
sappy, echoing  
throughout my head  
as I lie here  
naked in my bed  

The Assonance of the e in this verse is amazingly done. Holy heck. Read it with me aloud, people. Top that off with the alliteration of the f('n), b & s ( No bs, really ) and Consonance / rhyme of head / bed  

alone  

touching myself  

imagining  

The spacing lends a sense of climactic building that's perfectly done. And while there are no direct rhymes, and maybe a bit with touching/ imaging, that worked to your advantage because it seemed isolated and gaspy, like breath, each in its own respect.  

how happy life would be  
with more of her in it  

This ruminating thought hit such a chord in those compassionate enough to feel it. The alliteration of the h doesn't sing; it softly hums across the tongue.  

than just a gal to pal  
around with on empty  
weekends spent wondering  
if there ever would be  
a Mister Right  

Here's one place I think you could tighten at:  

than just a gal pal  
on empty weekends  
spent wondering  
about a Mister Right  

Pal ( vs lover ) implies someone to hang out with, and wondering implies " if there ever would be ".  This suggested revision maintains the integrity of the verse, especially the rhyme between pal / Right.  

Tonight, she's an understudy  
in my passion play who I say  
is deserving of the leading role  
worthy of giving my fairy tale  
an ending only hinted at  
in Ever Afters of lonely  
and quite pathetic  
bedtime stories  
such as this  

While I adore this verse, it to could use a bit of tightening:  

Tonight, she's an understudy  
in my passion play
deserving the leading role ( < removed of )
worthy of giving my fairy tale  
an ending only hinted at ( < do you need only?)  
in Ever Afters, lonely ( < removed of )
as quietly pathetic ( < substituted as, altered quiet )  
bedtime stories  
such as this  

While I know " say " picked up the rhyme in play, I still feel it was extraneous, especially with the half rhyme or tale carrying it through. I LOVE study / worthy / deserving.  

Not sure if Ever After is a movie reference but it's one of my favorite movies even today.  

Those last three lines choked me up something aweful.  

Best friends forever ( I want to cap Friends )
What could be better?  
Best friends forever  
leap frogging the lily pads (< swoon )
getting wetter by the moment (< nice metaphor! the Ass / Consonance is to die for! )
with my Charming Princess ( < brilliant - combining the masculine of Prince Charming with Princess / making her ( vs him ) your Charming. swoon )
as she gently soothes the  
yearnings, kissing my  
horny toad blues  
away  

In addition to the form, those last four lines are excellent both in metephor and fairy tale, like the entire verse is falling asleep in bed and we right along with it.  

Every girl's dream.

I reworked the 2nd to the last stanza per some of your suggestions. Your dyslexia must have picked up "quiet" from "quite". I used it to emphasize how she viewed her ongoing single status.


Thank you for restoring my confidence in the poem with your in depth analysis. I wasn't sure I was getting my metaphors across lately.

Dyslexia is funny like that. . .it enjoys its quiet time.

You have me yearning for a bayou. There's a short story about frogs by T.C. Boyle that's almost as erotic a fantasy as this fairy tale dream come true.