Adapt To Survive?

They say we have to adapt to survive
In order to stay alive
Even if some of who you are dies
Apparently it's worth the sacrifice

I never wanted to pay that price
And thought it worth holding onto all that makes me who I am
I believed one could be at their happiest by living a life true to them
But when these moods hit I start to understand

See, I dream of things that don't exist
And often try to achieve them
I am deluded by the reality I wish to create
That I can't

Because I cannot make people be who I wish they were
And I cannot affect change in any meaningful way
I have substance but it's not enough
To fall onto someone and touch them

These hands sometimes feel broken
When I extend them as far as I can to reach out
The tips of my fingers come so close to contact
But never quite make the connection

Or during times where I start to think
I've at last touched skin that could feel what I project
I allow myself to be receptive to feeling all that it emanates
Only to end up alone with my reflection

And I don't break like glass
But hopes do shatter
I am made up of pieces of wrong turns and misjudgments
Crawling through errors to fix what feels like the unfixable

It's easy to say "it's them and not you"
But just as easy to tell yourself the reverse
So how do you know which way is true?
Is there really a way to tell the difference?

Nowhere to go in these moments of uncertainty
No one to turn to for clarity
Just dream induced threads binding me together
To help my mind cling to the beauty in life

I exude a certain kind of depth
And tend to want to gravitate towards those who understand it
Those who know it like the back of their hand
Or those who want to learn to swim in it with me

I want to bathe in pools of love
Dive right in and see where waters take this burning heart
Ride waves of risk to find rewards below the surface
That come beautifully in the form of strength and growth

I want to be soothed by the absence of fear
And find home in places where shared passion exists
I crave comfort in mutual support systems
That operate where understanding and authentic love thrives

And you can't always have what you want
I accept that notion
Which is why I'd like to know if
My being here is a mistake

Then at least I could stop looking for other like-minded hearts
And wouldn't keep digging for treasures that can't be found
Just travel mindlessly to wherever
Like everyone else seems to do

I'd pretend I love it till I believe it
Eliminate the odd parts by shaping myself in their image
So I can fit in with other shapes
And we can create more of the same shapes... An amazing life awaits

And if one day I met someone who suspected I'm a fraud
I'd tell them the truth just to see what happens
Curiosity can't be the death of me
If I've already killed part of myself to survive