Mother

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Mom,
          I know it used to really aggravate me when you took care of everything for me, kept up with my appointments, kept up with the bills, did all the grocery shopping and made all the important decisions but I was the baby, after all.I miss you, and I really wish that I could see you again. I know Dad keeps your ashes there, on the head of the bed, on your side, but it's just not the same. It will never be the same.


Losing you from my life has left some kind of void inside me, that I can never hope to fill. I've failed at so many relationships in the past 3 years. I've tried so hard, but I just can't find anyone that gives me back even half as much as I put in. I know you really wanted to be a grandmother, and my biggest regret is that I could never give that to you. And that's not from a lack of trying. Speaking of which, I was really surprised when all my tests came back negative a couple months ago.


I don't know why, but I have often got the impression that somehow you were watching me, and if that's the case, I sincerely apologize for showing you all that. But you only live once, and I still have trouble believing there is really anything waiting for me after this life is over, so I try to live it up every single day. I don't miss an opportunity because I don't want to have any kind of regrets in my final moments.


Do you remember when I used to be so shy? Reserved? Well, what you told me about how you have never met a stranger has finally started to sink in. I'm much more confident in conversations now, and writing has really helped me to express myself. But for some reason, I just can't shake the feeling that I'll just never be good enough. That I'll never be of any use to anyone, and ultimately, my life is completely without meaning. And I'm sorry, I really hate that you left us knowing that I felt that way, but I can't help it. I'm having to hustle wherever I can to come up with the cash for basic necessities, I'm spending cash that I don't really have on girls that don't even appreciate it and I'm so busy trying to numb the pain from past experience that I barely even exist in the present.


I don't know how, but somehow I feel that you've been with me all this time and I'm sure you're not proud of my actions, I know that I'm not but I really hope that you don't judge me so harshly. I guess all that I really wanted to say with all this is that I'm really sorry that I could never live up to anyone's expectations but I've come a long way since you've been gone. I've been taking care of Dad, cooking, cleaning and managing the bills and we're actually doing alright. But I'm still struggling. It's like no matter what I do for people, nobody really needs me. That's really all I've ever wanted from people. Just to feel needed. And a lot of the time I still feel useless.


Because of my Bipolar disorder, and my anxiety I have always felt that I am somehow “less than” and it causes me a lot of pain. A lot of times, I just want to fucking die, but at the same time I really don't know what Dad would do at this point without me hanging around. But as a result, I'm isolated here, so far from everything that nobody will hire me. I don't mind the drive at all, but I guess where I've been doing odd-jobs all this time and I don't have any kind of work history, nobody wants to take a chance on me. But it's okay, I'm not going to give up.I'm just stubborn like that.


Anyways, I  know that you were in a lot of pain your whole life, and I find solace in the notion that wherever you may be, at the very least you're not in any more pain.


Sleep well